Traumatic Experiences Community Check-In Wednesday 22 July 2020

Good morning everyone!!! The topic of this check-in will be forgiveness as it was suggested in one of last weeks check-ins. Forgiveness is a very tricky subject. The people who frequent this forum have in many cases suffered extreme physical and psychological trauma and forgiveness of the perpetrator in particular may never be something that is considered plausible by the sufferer of such traumatic experiences. Some of the perpetrators are relatives and some are not. Regardless, the degree of trauma in each of these cases is significant and has had a major impact on their lives and well-being. While forgiveness can be uplifting for some it is important to note that one does not have to forgive to be able to move on.

Contemplating forgiveness is a tough process and its good to ask certain questions. Can one remain wounded and at the same time extend genuine forgiveness? Is forgiveness something that can be offered outwards or something that must be cultivated for ourselves inside? How do we distinguish the degree to which our inability to forgive, or our insistence that we cannot forgive is impacting our possibilities for healing? Who is it we need to forgive, are drawn to forgive, and why? Is it forgiveness that rounds out the rough edges of our healing? Is it compassion for self and/or others that paves the way? Is forgiveness in fact a destination at which we should aim our target as we imagine the long view of recovery?

These are all tough questions to answer and those answers will vary for each and every one of us. Forgiveness requires so much courage and empathy. When one contemplates the sentiment of forgiveness, it is essential that they bring a spacious and humble attitude, as well as a quality of tenderness towards themselves and others.

How do we even define forgiveness? Too often it gets used in ways that seem to mean excusing or forgetting the wrong in order to reconcile with the abuser. For individuals who have already had the experience of putting their needs, feelings, and even their very safety on the back burner in relationships with abusive others; this could just feel like more of the same. This version of forgiveness becomes just another way to deny or overlook normal reactions to mistreatment or injustice.

Sometimes the right option for an individual may be to choose to not forgive. This may be temporary. They may not forgive while their healing is still in progress, while they have yet to fully explore all feelings and the meaning associated with the abuse, or when their personal safety has not yet been re-established. If the person has a dissociative disorder, parts of them may differ greatly on whether to forgive an abuser or not. Gathering and assessing the reasons behind the different views is a crucial part of the decision making process.

Not forgiving can be the outcome of deep emotional work and careful consideration. It can be the right outcome for some to further their healing and make sense of the world. Not forgiving can be an act of opposing injustice: a way of taking a stand even within oneself and say this occurred and it was wrong. One should not feel shamed by the notion that forgiveness is vital to complete the healing process. It simply is not the case. While it is helpful to some, it can just as well be harmful for other survivors of abuse. Considering forgiveness too early in the healing process can actually damage the process altogether. It is also necessary to understand, if a perpetrator of severe abuse asks for forgiveness, they do not have a right to demand this. Perpetrators of abuse can sometimes abuse their victims more, by demanding forgiveness. Sometimes, the perpetrator of abuse, has no real remorse and simply expects forgiveness for their own self serving needs and this is not okay. The perpetrator has no right to demand anything.

There are upsides to forgiveness for many survivors of trauma. When a person forgives, they become calm enough to say confidently that a specific injustice or injury perpetrated by someone who should have been trustworthy was dead wrong. With the calmness, they can chart the best course for their lives. Forgiveness is the beginning of a new chapter, not the end of the story altogether. No ones past is meant to be a prison sentence. One cannot change the past. They must find a way to resolve painful memories. Forgiveness provides the key to acknowledge the past and move on. When a person can forgive they have less to be afraid of.

Forgiving is a personal choice that does not depend on the perpetrator deserving it, asking for it, or expressing remorse although this certainly can make forgiving easier. Forgiving is about the survivors inner strength. One voluntarily forgives because they realize that getting even does not heal. Forgiving means that one chooses to release resentment, hatred, bitterness, desires for revenge for wrongs done to them; it is a way to come to peace with the past. In forgiving, they decide to break their troubling connection to the offender. They realize that no offense is worth the price of destroying their peace. Forgiveness is not about condoning behavior that was unkind, inconsiderate, selfish, unjust or harmful. It is not the same as forgetting. It is not the same as reconciliation, which may or may not occur.

I personally found it within myself to forgive my abuser granted it took over two decades to see that it was necessary to do so for me to personally move on. This may not be the course of action for all of us but after careful consideration this was the path I felt would bring me the most inner peace and resolve. Before I end this post I will ask of you these three questions.

1. How are you feeling today?

2. Would forgiveness be beneficial to your healing process?

3. What other steps towards healing have you taken?

As always I wish you all a greater today than yesterday, in hopes for a better and brighter tomorrow!!!

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