Traumatic Experiences Community Daily Check-In: February 10th, 2020
Good Morning To Our Trauma Community!
Hello everyone! I hope you are having a wonderful day so far. Please feel free to participate in the following:
Reflect on your day- What went right? What went wrong? What emotions were you feeling? What did you accomplish?
Stay Beautiful!
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I shoveled a lot of snow today. So I accomplished that but not much else. I wanted to get more done since it was my one day off, but I did sneak in a little time to watch a show while I was slacking. So that was nice. I was irritable most of the day. I hate days I feel like that and wish I would have been more patient with my kids today.
@Earthy55 Hi there. That is so great that you got to shovel lots of snow! It feels so wonderful to accomplish things. I'm sorry that you were feeling irritable and I hope you feel better now. I have lots of days were I wish I was more patient with my kids too- It can be tough! Thank you for sharing this with me and checking in. I'm very sorry for how long it took for me to reply to you. I don't know how but I just forgot to reply and I apologize for that. Have a lovely day.
What went right? Uhm... In spite of everything else that went wrong, I could cook just in time for my aunt to eat and not be late at work. I also had a videochat with a friend and fed the cat. Oh, and I took my med.
What went wrong? 1) woke up panicking multiple times in the middle of the night. 2) clenched my jaw all day, my teeth hurt. 3) stayed scared in bed and couldn't get up until 11 AM and so I did nothing all morning 4) anxiety, hurting all over, ears ringing, hypersensitivity to sound, tense muscles, irregular breathing all day. 5) the stove wasn't working correctly, it also scared me, the water never boiled, I was late cooking lunch, my aunt was disappointed. 6) wanted to try and leave the house to go for a walk, didn't manage, did nothing all the afternoon. 7) procrastinated dish washing, didn't do it yet. 8) not loaded washing machine. I'm running out of clean clothes, washing machine is scary. 8) not wiped the floor. 9) didn't tidy my room.
It wasn't the best of my days.
I should mention though, that yesterday afternoon, after I checked in, my aunt and I received an invitation from some friends of hers to go to the beach with them and their dogs. They asked me to walk one of their dogs, a 2 years old German Shepard who was very anxious around other dogs. First time ever I walked a dog. And I LOVED it. No chance I'm getting a dog of my own, but the owner said I handled it really well and asked me if I would enjoy dog-sitting. Which I would totally love, but once again insecurities kick in. I'm dealing with someone else's animal, what if I can't do my job and treat the poor thing wrong? I never even had a dog after all! Anyway it's been an awesome and satisfying day, the German Shepard, Maya, is so intelligent and affectionate, she's the sweetest thing. She understands commands very easily. We had a lot of fun.
If I could just get rid of this DAMN anxiety
@GhostlyLilian Dude, I've never related to anything more. Hahaha. When you were like "this thing happened, it scared me. Then this thing happened, it scared me." I was like gosh dangit that's my whole life right there. Haha. So, coming from someone who has days exactly like that, where everything is horrifying and I just want something to be gentle and easy-- I'm so proud of you. It probably seems like a failure because you spent a lot of the day afraid and insecure and disappointed, but you know what? You're so couragous! You had to deal with scary things all day, and you survived!!! You're here! You can try again later and know that it was scary last time, but this time you can take one step closer!!! Good job!!!
@betterchoices
Aww thanks for taking the time to read and answer. And for understanding. I really find it confusing when I keep not being able to do the simplest things and I don't know what I should think about myself. Others around me are doing much more, even in the same house where I live, and it's not fair to them. Anxiety is something you can't see or touch, sometimes I ask myself if I'm just pretending because I like being lazy. But when I started taking my med (which I was afraid of) and my aunt said with that maybe I could be able to work in the future, and at least do basic stuff, for a moment I visualized the scenario and I cried of joy. I really want to get rid of this thing
@GhostlyLilian Hi there friend. I love what went right for you! That is wonderful that you got to accomplish so much. I'm sorry for the negative things that happened to you. It was just one thing after another. I also fear a lot of things too and I don't like feeling like that. I hope you are feeling better now. I think that's really great that you had a good afternoon walking the German Shepherd! That would be a great experience for you to dog sit. I know that there are alot of insecurities that can come with a job but be patient and kind to yourself and you will be able to do it! Thank you for sharing this with me and checking in. I'm sorry for how long it took for me to reply to you. I'm not sure how I missed the reply but again, I apologize. Have a lovely day!
What went right: called and rescheduled my salon appointment today, fighting against my social anxiety and dependence on my parents. Woman on the phone was kind as I stuttered through my words. I'm not discrediting my accomplishments as well. Realized I was doing that while writing this.
What went wrong: strong flashbacks today, just when I was feeling great. I've a stomachache, fatigue, very aware of how heavy my body feels. It's getting worse with food in me. Every memory makes me feel sicker. Feeling sick turns up the anxiety. I'm having a hard time separating actual nausea & stomachache from ED tricks & hunger. Have been in bed for hours after my nap and starting to feel annoyed at myself. Time to do more self care. The day's not over yet. Maybe I'll go for a sprint today if I feel better.
Accomplished: I think my what went right covers this a little
@Lexloveslife
Aaaah! Social anxiety and phone calls! I know what you mean. You did a very difficult thing and you managed! Not belittling your achievements is also a great thing :)
I'm sorry for the flashbacks. I really wish they would stop, you don't need to go through those too. I understand the difficulty with food. I've had an ED too. And in this case, I don't think a sprint is self care, but I also understand that it feels like it and that it's really hard to do better. Self care can be very confusing and painful in the middle of an eating disorder. I'm sorry you're dealing with all this, you deserve all good things <3 Lots of support and best wishes
@GhostlyLilian
Hey there! I appreciate the encouragement and support! And I really appreciate you calling me out about the sprinting. ED trigger warning here for you & anyone else: talk of exercise. Exercise is part of my recovery plan. It encourages me to eat more and take care of my body. In my relapses I didn't exercise at all so I thought it'd be ok to start. Cardio & strength training feel safer than the alternative (self harm). I also have to feed muscle to grow. I didn't sprint as much as I planned. I recognized my body felt too tired. Movement should be fun so I slowed down. Last night wasn't compensation for anything but feeling lazy. I listened to my body's needs, not my brain's wants. When I work out, I don't think about weight. I think about what my body can do and whether my form is correct. I'm also not hard on myself for missing one workout / not performing how I want to.
I have a minimum intake that I can't eat below. To avoid backsliding a 2nd night, I made sure I ate that minimum for nourishment despite acid reflux. It was hard but maintaining habit is also part of my self care. As my exercises intensify, I plan to eat more. I'm trying to gain muscle and I have to gain weight to do that.
Despite defending myself, I'm grateful the concern you voiced. Maybe I do need to re-evaluate how I cope. This has been a hard but nice reality check. Thank you!
@Lexloveslife
Oh, well, I didn't know all the story! I'm glad you're working so hard on your recovery! Keep up the good work, it looks super hard but you're smashing it! I love it! Especially how you can keep your mind on your body's needs and on its abilities instead of just trying to drain it, and how you don't beat yourself up for legitimately being too physically tired to complete all the planned workout. That's great. I love it.
I also overcame a little challenge last Sunday, I'll put a BIG ED TRIGGER WARNING here, so feel absolutely free not to read. Some friends I was hanging out with started talking about doing this kind of fake-fast d*et, where basically you take a low amount of food for some days and they were pressuring me to commit to the thing with them, and I was like NOOOOOOOOPE, trust me I'd better not to. They don't know about my ED. But it was whispering in my ear "well why not? You're out of your EDs, right?" No. No. No, I'm freakin' not. And I'll keep eating exactly how I please, no restrictions whatsoever. If I'm hungry, I eat. As simple as that. No fancy stuff.
@GhostlyLilian
The end put a smile on my face! I'm a huge fan of the "If I'm hungry, I eat" mindset you have. Also really brave of you to combat those ED thoughts while facing a trigger. I admire how you tell your ED that you're not restricting. How did you get comfortable with getting your hunger cues (if you lost them) and eating what you want / when you want? If you don't want to answer this, you don't have to! I admire your strength in sharing a recent experience and the way you overcame it
@Lexloveslife
I had lost the sense of hunger. I recovered it eating until I felt full at regular times. Oh, it wasn't so smooth. At first, when I started eating again, I was like a black hole, I'd eat anything at any time. Which is extremely dangerous coming out of restriction. But after a couple of weeks I went back to normal. Although it was hard to keep a rule for when to eat and when not. I also had anxiety and depression issues, so often that interfered with my sense of hunger and ability to actually cook and eat regularly. The lack of rules really confuses your sense of hunger. I partially recovered it just eating, but it's when I went living with my aunt, who helped me stick to meal times, that I recovered it fully. And still, when I'm very anxious, I might not feel like eating. In your case, the meanings you associate with food might prevent you from feeling hunger. For example, I don't understand yet what liquids mean to me, but I rarely feel thirst if I'm not very dehydrated. I don't like to drink. But I have to. So my body makes me feel a craving for juicy food, like fruits or jelly. It has to survive, poor thing ahahahahahah
@GhostlyLilian
It's so great that your aunt helped you! Do you think that eating at certain times could be helpful? Right now I avoid eating late at night most days because of reflux. Reflux also kills my hunger because it makes me nauseous, which makes me anxious, etc. Yet I have to eat. I really dislike chewing and swallowing food. I associate it with my parents who eat a lot and are abusive. When I get flashbacks, I can so clearly see and hear them eating before / after hurting me in some way. Like it was no big deal that I was hurt. But being born very tiny (13 oz!), food has always been a struggle until I hit puberty. Hello, PMS.
So eating on a regular basis seems like it may help, but I worry about that. What even is a regular basis? Probably not the same for everyone. I have classes and can't eat at the same time every day (edit: ED excuse? Probably. Ugh.) I did kinda go through the black hole phase on vacation in December and 2 weeks after. But I got freaked out and restricted again. I guess I'm just worried all around haha.. I know I shouldn't try to control my recovery. It's very hard not to. Becoming a black hole is my worst nightmare because before the anorexia, I had trouble with binging. I just swung the other way. Argh I just want to be okay!!
@Lexloveslife
I don't think the hour matters, it's more having 3 meals every day, or at least 2, but around the same time. I understand the fear of binging, especially if you link food with abuse in some way and if you binged before. I never really had binging issues. If you can plan your meals and stick to plans though (I have no idea how you manage, much respect) you should be able not to slip in binging. Take it one step at a time if that works best for you. I'm sorry for your parents. I wish these things never happened, but here it's full of people who have been abused in all possible ways, and damn that makes me angry. This won't help much, but my mother is skinny af and she abused me anyway, so food is innocent lol Food can also be made with love and care for people you love to enjoy, because they deserve it, and you deserve it too. You won't hurt anyone with food, even if you try it can be pretty hard to stab someone with a slice of cake 
Also, thanks for all the appreciations, I don't really know what to say, I don't feel very admirable actually
@GhostlyLilian
Hahah your cake comment made me laugh which I really needed. I think it's helpful to acknowledge the different ways eating disorders come about. Food didn't relate to abuse for you and that's ok! I'm gonna try to stick to eating every 2 to 3 hours. My hunger cues need to be restored for sure. I also think when you're willing to help someone else or even share your own experience, you're admirable 
And honestly I love the visual of stabbing someone with a slice of cake haha 
Thank you for the input!
@Lexloveslife
Don't get me wrong, food is WAS related to abuse, just in a different way. I know my words won't convince you that food is totally ok. If only it was that simple I'd spend my whole day talking to everyone to heal them. Thing is you're not like them. And you won't be in a million years, no matter how much you eat, not even if you get so big that you can jump and bounce from new York to Mexico. You won't be like them and you won't be in their power. You're so much more worthy than they treated you and they don't deserve you. You can be fully you, with all your shining kilograms, until the last one, and be proud of it <3 you're such a caring, strong, determined and open minded person, really, you already gave proof to be so much better than someone who would abuse their own child. You made gold out of a sea of crap, it takes skills and being a great soul inside. Thanks for the answers
Hi! I'm new here, but thought I'd post.
What went right today? I was able to have a chat with a listener here at 7 Cups and was able to tell someone besides my husband what actually happened to me growing up. Well, part of what happened anyway. This was a huge step for me.
What went wrong today? I really can't think of anything that went wrong, which is kind of nice.
What emotions was I feeling? A little apprehension, but mostly relief, which I haven't felt in a very long time. I have come to an understanding in the last few days that has made the situation I grew up in make sense, even though it was still a very bad situation, and since that understanding my anxiety and stress levels seem to have dialed back a lot.
What did I accomplish? I got the laundry done. And my husband helped me get my violin hung up on the bedroom wall to make it easier to practice every day.
@ShadesOfGrace
Woah! Brave step you took! And welcome to 7cups! Hopefully you got a good listener, sometimes it's hard to find one. I'm sorry for what you went through, but I'm glad things are at least starting to make sense and that you are starting to feel some relief from speaking out. I hope everything will keep evolving for the best from here. Lots of love and support
@GhostlyLilian
Thanks so much. Now that I've started speaking out it's not as scary as I thought it would be - and I know I won't be punished for doing so either. I'm not betraying anyone, I'm simply taking care of myself - finally! I also wanted to say that I enjoyed your post about you walking your friend's dog. Animals have played a huge roll in my family's wellness. My husband, our son and I all have had some big issues to face and work through (all of us are still working through things). The past 12 years or so have been pretty intense for the three of us. We have cats and guinea pigs, and for our son, who is autistic, they have been invaluable. One of the cats in particular has very much been a therapy cat for him. We were even thinking about going through certification with the cat for that, but our son decided that he didn't want to risk taking him out and having something happen to him. Anyway, if you feel comfortable around animals, I would encourage you to explore spending time with them when and if you're up to it. They can be amazing. I know the animal shelter in our area can always use volunteers to sit and play with the cats or to walk the dogs. Perhaps there's something like that near you. I hope you have a day filled with more good than not. Hugs!
@ShadesOfGrace
Awww thanks, yes I'm considering volunteering at some shelter, there are some in the area. Your son's story is so sweet. Yes, animals can be life saviors sometimes
@ShadesOfGrace Hi there and welcome to 7 Cups! It's great to have you here with us and I hope you are finding all the support you need! I'm so glad that you were able to connect with a listener and they helped you get through some stuff. That is wonderful that you took this step. That is really great that nothing was going wrong for you and I hope that continues for you. Relief is a great feeling to feel. All the tension in your body just seems to go away. Awesome job on getting your laundry done- I hate doing laudnry so I'm really proud of you for doing it! I love that you can play the violin! Thank you for sharing this with me and checking in. Have a lovely day.
I'm having a great day! Nothing's really happening, but an interaction I was dreading never happened, I've had a lot of time to sort out my schedule for my personal life, and I get to come home to fun stuff (like cooking a new recipe with my boyfriend!).
@betterchoices
Sounds great! A little bit of luck, organizing and then... fun stuff! Yayyyy!!! It also looks very professional and like you're really keeping it together with all that planning and fun last ahahah. I'm glad your day went good :)
@betterchoices Hi there friend. I'm so happy to hear that you were having a great day! That is good that the interaction you were dreading never happened. I bet that made things a lot easier on you. How wonderful that you got to sort out your personal schedule and you got to make a new recipe with your boyfriend. I hope it was good! Thank you for sharing this with me and checking in. Have a lovely day.
