Traumatic Experiences Community Daily Check-In: Friday 15th May And Saturday 16th

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resources used : https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/in-flux/201407/10-relationship-red-flags https://www.guilfordhri.org/healthy-vs-unhealthy-boundaries/

@CaringBrit

1. Why is it important to Avoid red flags ? have you seen any Red flags in your support systems? if so which ones?

it is important to avoid red flags because if we ignore the warning signs, we might potentially end up in an abusive relationship or friendship. one of my friends that i thought was a good friend (but he wasn't) always tried to control what i do and who i talk to, and when i made my own decisions that didn't align with what he thought i needed to do, he would call me names, embarrass me in public, and make me feel ashamed of myself. at the time i thought he was just trying to look out for me but later i realized real friends don't do that to each other.

2.from this topic which part have you noticed you need to work on more?

i personally need to work on my ability to say "no" when i want to say "no" and the ability to stick with my own beliefs instead of giving in to peer pressure.

3. List at least 3 things you have learnt from the past 2 topics and this one i have done ?

1. saying "no" sometimes is okay!

2. when in a relationship or friendship, i need to look out for red flags or warning signs

3. when an important family member or significant other doesn't like someone i'm , it helps to listen to their opinion because they might see something i don't

This is such a great check-in, thank you!

I have a question, though:
If you've noticed someone in your life is a good person but they don't understand or value boundaries, how can you talk to them about their unintentionally abusive behavior?

1. I'm so happy to see this comprehensive list of red flags! They often feel so abstract to me, I love that I can keep track easier, now. It's definitely important to avoid them to keep yourself healthy, happy, and safe! I have seen red flags in a friend of mine, who is a very generous, caring, and fun person-- they just don't a) like to admit that their behavior is damaging or b) understand that their behavior is damaging. Here's a list of what I mean:

- They love to communicate, but often when they do:
a) They don't respect things I don't want to talk about
b) They like to take charge of the conversation, and don't always let me say my peace-- deciding when the conversation ends
However, they are always eager to solve problems if there are any, and usually after talking about an issue, it is resolved.

- They expect me not to talk about our issues with others if we have them, but I'm someone who needs to talk my problems out.
However, they've begun to acknowledge that it's okay to talk things out with others. They have talked to other people about their issues and agree that a multi-support network is necessary.

- They can be very brotherly immature when it comes to disagreements. They behave rather capricious at times.

- A lot of my friends and family dislike them.
However, they've provided significant support for me during a time of great personal turmoil and they continue to provide a safe space.

- They really love to be a leader in a situation and get very insecure when they aren't. They like to decide my role in things, and don't allow me to have my own choices in things they don't think line up with that role. They tease me for having interests that are seperate from theirs.
However, at the same time, they're very supportive of certain pursuits I have. I suspect their need for control comes from an inferiority complex, so I feel for them in that regard.

- They're very insecure. They break down and self-bully if I try to approach them about things I find damaging that they do.
However, they try to branch out and better themselves in their own way.

- They refuse to discuss certain things about themselves that they find painful, yet force me to talk about things I don't want to talk about for the same reason.
However, they're insistent about helping me. I think they just don't understand boundaries, I really do.

- They haven't resolved any of their past bad relationships.

- They desperately need others' approval and attention.
Again, I really just think they struggle with a self-esteem issue, not that they're behaving maliciously.

- They have yelled at me in anger over something trivial, they have touched me when I told them not to, they have made me feel guilty for having my own problems and being badly affected by how they're behaving towards me.

I am currently distancing myself until I can figure out what to do, because again, they have really great qualities and the capacity to be a wonderful person, I just don't know how to approach them and tell them that what they're doing is damaging to others.