Traumatic Experiences Community Daily Check-In: March 9th, 2020

@PeppermintStar0912

1. How are you feeling emotionally today?

I am feeling quite ok. Right now I am having breakfast with some chocolate biscuits... they were my favourite when I was a child... I couldn't believe my eyes when I saw them at the supermarket on Saturday (they are italian biscuits, and I live in France). It is a little thing, but I am feeling grateful for it.

2. Are you struggling with anything right now?

Perhaps with therapy, a tiny little bit. And the virus... it is starting to deeply affect everyday life.

3. Aside from your job now, what sort of work would you like to do?

I would like to be a counsellor! I actually started uni again a couple of months ago, to perhaps make this dream true...

4. How difficult is it for you to forgive someone who refuses to apologize?

Extremely difficult. I am not sure it is so much about forgiving though... I think I struggle the most with making sense of what happened to me... Like, if they do not apologise it means that they think it was right, why would they think so? Do I deserve that? What am I guilty off? Etcetera etcetera... Very unhealthy way of thinking.

Have a lovely day, you gorgeous person

1. How are you feeling emotionally today?

Woke up many times after 7 am feeling very tired and slept until 10 am. Why do I get tired so easily? I'm 24! Also, I woke up in dread and sorrow that wouldn't go away, until 11 am when I was able to get out of bed. I still feel some of it, but it's bearable. It's a general feeling of SOMETHING very wrong out there. Something, everything, who knows. No place for me in the world. Nothing right. I feel out of place. Things hurt. I don't know how to be true to myself. There seems to be no place for that.

2. Are you struggling with anything right now?

Covid19 is getting in the way of celtic revival thing. I was pretty much living for that. I feel constricted, blocked and alone again. See above.

3. Aside from your job now, what sort of work would you like to do?

Psychotherapist, for adults but most imp for children. Psychological distress in children is hugely underrated. People don't want to think that children suffer.

4. How difficult is it for you to forgive someone who refuses to apologize?

It depends. I wouldn't want my forgiveness to pass as "what you did was not so bad afterall". I'd want the person to know what I think of what happened, and my forgiveness to be intended as a letting go because it's not something that I should be carrying with me to weigh me down, not as a sign that it wasn't bad.

1. Eh. I'm ok. Daylight savings has screwed with me. I've been having caffeine for 4 days now, and it looks like it'll be more days. It's a shame as I was trying to stop caffeine consumption altogether. Oh well. The day has just started so maybe it'll get better. I did manage to ignore someone's attempts to bother me and disrespect my boundaries. Simply reminded myself it has more to do with them and their possible untreated mental illness, not me, and I will always have control over my boundaries. Getting angry or anxious solves nothing and hands that control over to them. No thank you. Once I move out, this problem will be solved... so got like 2 more years of this and better to learn how to cope now than be surprised at their heightened attacks when I move out.

2. Struggling with typical things. Mostly with problems getting worse / relapsing after I've committed emotionally to healing and releasing some control over life.

3. I don't have a job unless you count full time college student

4. Very hard. Have to remind myself forgiveness is for me, not for them. It isn't to let them off the hook or forget about what they've done. Once I remember that, it becomes slightly easier to accept what someone has done. But I'm so tangled in the idea of forgiveness = a clean slate / forgetting what someone has done / saying it's okay that someone has hurt you when really it's not okay.

@PeppermintStar0912

1. How are you feeling emotionally today?

A mix of good and bad. Tired, stressed, a bit hopeful though. I've been able to go outside on my own without having panic attacks the past couple of days, so also happy with that progress.

2. Are you struggling with anything right now?

Yeah. Thinking about opening up to some friends about more of what I've been through, which is hard due to many reasons. They know I was having panic attacks, but not why. Do I tell them? Trying to figure out which is better, telling them or keeping it vague.

Also thinking about something a friend told me, and said they didn't trust their therapist with. I'm glad that they trust me, but when I'm the only one they tell I feel responsible for them, like I'm their side therapist/parent. It's stressful. I plan to ask my therapist tomorrow about how to be a supprtive friend without taking on the therapist/parent role.

Insomnia is less of a problem now, but I'm sleeping in the day instead of at night. It's not easy, but I'm slowly changing that.

3. Aside from your job now, what sort of work would you like to do?

Not currently working, but work besides a paid job? I'd like to make creative projects with friends, or some kind of social work once I get to a more stable place and some training. Maybe a Listener here someday?

4. How difficult is it for you to forgive someone who refuses to apologize?

I know someone like this. I hated them for years for the emotional abuse they put me and others through, they always had excuses. I learned more about what it means to forgive and be forgiven lately.

Some things I've learned about forgiveness:

Forgiveness is a lot more about the person doing the forgiving. It isn't earned.

To forgive you need to love them and love yourself. Mind you I mean love - not like. Love isn't earned. Loving means wanting the best for others and yourself, and actively respecting both your needs and theirs. It doesn't mean being a doormat, because your needs matter too.

Forgiveness doesn't mean saying what they did was okay, or brushing off the seriousness of the offense. It was not okay, what they've did. It was serious. It contributed to some of the reasons why I'm in therapy now.

Forgiveness doesn't mean trusting them again. Trust is earned. I don't trust them, because they haven't earned my trust.

So yeah, it's really hard to forgive them. But it's my choice. For me it means putting up healthy emotional boundaries, figuring out what those are. It means physically walking away if they don't respect those boundaries.

5.Thank you

Thanks for asking - have a good day!

@PeppermintStar0912

I'm feeling pretty good. Still unsure of the next step I want to take career-wise and where I want to make my move, but a little more organized.

Also watching Flash Gordon (1980) with the passing of Max Von Sydow.

1. How are you feeling emotionally today? Very draining and emotional, I am depressed, stuck and just do not feel good enough

2. Are you struggling with anything right now? Severe depression and writers block

3. Aside from your job now, what sort of work would you like to do? I don't work, but I want to be a popular author

4. How difficult is it for you to forgive someone who refuses to apologize? Forgiveness is in the eye of the recieving party. It's up to them to move on. Some people will never be sorry so you simply need to move on.