Traumatic Experiences Community Daily Check In - Sunday 11th August 2018

I know this post is going up a little early and Saturdays checkin is still active so please head on over there, but for those of you well into Sunday, here is your sunday checkin

Today I would like to talk about a number of topics all rolled up in one checkin but all of which are important to many Trauma Survivors and that is that of revictimisation, the misuse of power and control by others to hurt others, and emotional bullying which can be a form of reenactment of a trauma survivors past history by another person upon that survivor again.

When we think of bullying, we often think of this as something that happens to children in the school playground but bullying and particularly emotional bullying happens to anyone regardless of age. It is seen in all adult relationships and in workplaces too, paid or unpaid. Emotional bullying may consist of being:

Mocked, name called, threatened, belittled, teased, excluded and ignored from a group, lied to, tormented, ganged up on by others, put down all the time, humiliated in front of their peers or friends, when another party is made to ‘pay for a perceived mistake or when sarcasm is used in response to genuine questions and so on.

Trauma survivors often become victim to these sorts of behaviours as adults by those who choose to misuse their power and control over vulnerable others who end up revictimised all over again. And this behaviour can retraumatise. It is and can be a reenactment of exactly what someone has gone through in their childhood and it is not acceptable.

Trauma and healthy boundaries cannot co exist. When you suffer trauma its a given that there has been a boundary violation and you can take onboard messages that this is all you deserve, that you have no self worth, you have no value, that you have no control and that this is normal and acceptable for people to behave towards you as they do. Bullying like trauma oversteps boundaries for afterall it is an abuse. Because of your experiences, you may not believe you have any rights if boundaries werent respected at the time of trauma to protect yourself, and if you are being revictimised now, you may believe the same now, whether you are being abused, or bullied. Perhaps you believe you dont deserve to be treated with respect. Well, we are here to say, Yes you most certainly do deserve to be treated with respect and we would like to help you begin to find that self respect for yourselves.

Violating a trauma survivors boundaries, can leave survivors feeling unsafe, afraid, untrusting, triggered, silenced, terrified, suffering flashbacks and feeling very childlike as they did when they were at the time of their original trauma. Thats a really horrible place to be and not one you deserve to be in. No child, No adult deserves to feel like this.

It can be very difficult when bullying is taking place to keep healthy boundaries in place between you and the bully/bullies attempting to violate your boundaries. You cant make those who unfortunately are manipulative, narcissistic, and have a poor sense of self who tend to repeatedly violate personal boundaries, respect your boundaries but what you can begin to do is figure out what you can do when this happens.

Continue to set strong, consistent boundaries.

Write it down. Record the boundary violations and your responses. This will help you check for weak spots in your boundaries. If you notice that you arent consistently setting healthy boundaries, make adjustments.

Be clear with yourself about what treatment youll accept and what you wont. People also have a tendency to set a boundary in their mind and then allow it to be pushed back and pushed back.

Accept that some people will not respect your boundaries no matter what you do. This is a difficult truth to accept because wed like to be able to force people to respect our boundaries. You can choose to accept it or you can choose to disengage.

Detach from the outcome. One way to detach is to stop responding in the same old ways. Some people intentionally violate boundaries to hurt you, get a reaction out of you, and to exert control. Dont engage in the same old arguments with these people. You can choose to ignore or laugh off their comments and not show them that it hurts you. This shifts the power.

Decide to limit or cut off all contact. If a relative makes you feel uncomfortable by standing too close, making sexualised comments, you can decide to not attend family gatherings, or to attend but not be alone with the individual, take a friend, never be alone in their company, or avoid seeing them ever again. Remember you have choices.

All healthy and positive relationships are based on equality and respect between one another. When people use tactics to control another person, it can be very damaging and we have seen this in our work with all our trauma members here in our community. Psychological trauma essentially disempowers and disconnects individuals from others. The recovery process is based upon empowerment of the survivor and restoration of relationships.

A healthy sense of self is the way we understand and work with our emotional boundaries. Personal boundaries are the limits we set in relationships that allow us to protect ourselves from being manipulated by, or enmeshed with, emotionally needy others. Such boundaries come from having a good sense of our own self-worth. They make it possible for us to separate our own thoughts and feelings from those of others and to take responsibility for what we think, feel and do

Internal boundaries which are about the relationship we have with ourselves - self discipline, healthy management of time, thoughts, emotions, behavior and impulses. Thinking about yourself rather than automatically agreeing with others criticism or advice

It takes time, and relearning to be able to set effective boundaries following trauma. Self-awareness and learning to be assertive are crucial in being able to set and put into place healthy boundaries.

As we learn to trust ourselves, our values, and our gut feelings, we can be clearer on our boundaries. When we look at our life, what we want, what we need, what we like, or dont like, we can set our own boundaries that will make us happier. Most importantly, a sense of self-care is fundamental to creating our boundaries.

Setting boundaries isnt selfish. Its self-love – you say yes to yourself each time you say no. It builds self-esteem. But it usually takes encouragement to make yourself a priority..

What have been your experiences around boundary violations and how have you been able to cope with this? What effect did someone violating your personal boundaries have on you? How were you able to begin to regain that self of sense in order to rebuild your self worth so that you were able to healthy boundaries for yourself or are you still struggling to be able to set these for yourself? How has others abusing their power and control when breaching your boundaries impacted upon you? What is the one boundary that you would like to work on, as a first step?

Let us know how your day is going or anything else you would like to share with us. Have a great sunday everyone

💜To add or remove your name to our new Trauma Sub Community General tag list to be notified of new threads in the Trauma Sub Community please click here

@Rain45 @Avaray @Shadeshack @BeeLeigh @Faeryschild @Lavendermoonlight @KLM3278 @jr50 @agreeableKite4304 @PhoenixPatronus @Morfo66 @raychascotch @KatieMoon1 @Tamba @Jenna0903 @melliotm @PanamaBanana @inventiveOrange1 @HearingYourHeart @TreesandWine @guyb @Sharkradio @MKjart @Lilyflower0817 @caterpillargirl @Survivetoalive @exuberantTriangle2562 @coraline23 @Ivorycat5573 @fearlessPear8268 @SemicolonSurvivor @weare1 @weareall1 @Annaka1 @moonchild95 @summernight69 @sheaintgotnoshoes @rationalWillow8882 @DeborahUK @AMusicalSilence @catsith @energeticPenny8 @Rebekahwriter13 @behindhazeleyes @sensitiveShade5337 @singercrystalspirit @wittyTree8219 @Ocendade @Rpjrx @Brooke12 @tenacity37 @Raveninthelabrynth @Axeman53 @kkSp3nc3 @blissedNblessed @Softforesthsp77 @AriannaPink @sereneSoul23 @promisemehope @IPreferWinter @Zombii @Godborned @Jessica86 @resourcefulPond1641 @Lilibuth12 @Tir @Michelle0608 @The_Final_Chapter @Halogen @BubblegumPuppy68 @ScarletPear1945 @CaloenasNicobarica @Hoxenos @Christine1980 @TheresaWilliams @Compassionatelistener108 @LovelyChantel @Pureriver56 @unassumingSummer6022 @Reedrainshimmer @resourcefulPond1642 @Kuma0187 @NonHoPaura @courageousNorth9872 @NacienteLuz @Waterlily16 @Helpfulsoul64 @TheHoneyDoll @Saif1for1Resilience @butters45 @purpleWest8143 @silverIceCream21 @Dandelionmoon @Bumblebee16 @consciousawakening @Shaiya365 @archerzvy @JJi @CopingwithTrauma @musicheals61 @disneynerd23 @ScarletPear1945 @Longday08 @sittinginahoneymoon @Quietbeach @loyalYard9488 @thatdramaticsoprano @understandingJackfruit9057 @amiableZebra3993 @Waterstreams057 @placidFriend3007 @AndreT @orchard9786 @sociableSailboat9634 @Calmlake1999 @emotionalMaple9419 @calmballoon3183 @disneynerd23 @MomRNFNP @Pdanziger @easymap6620 @MoreThanAConqueror18 @candyhaunt @namelessgirl99 @plumLake851 @streamoftears @quixoticRaven @Redhawk6547 @Sk1ttles @Shayc1 @Samdoc99 @Mikathewolfdog @Tacomytaco @stella17 @blinkk @PaperCrane1123 @Equalnotabove @felicia96 @CartoonDarling @Tayboi @Compassion21 @lilblackcat89 @ashes @selfdisciplinedTriangle5384 @amiableSummer3420 @FangsInsanity @Anj0806 @Spoonog @rissadawn @brokenflutterby @g00dwitch @No715 @SpruceRaven @tidyMoon3222 @helpfulHuman4992 @Djs3 @dynamicHemlock1736 @Hope3729 @hardworkingStrawberries3477 @courageousCake401 @humorousBeing8966 @NancySV1 @mysticPhoenix883 @oceanmom @gymnast9460 @Nonbinarywaffle7706 @Tbeth @felixfriend @Chels @8883ef @DaisyLion @forcefulSkies @spotthedot @courteousNorth5140 @Alcynically @ArianaMay @SB @affectionateNorth4018 @J12g34 @FloweringBunny @loyalDrum2337 @nolongerafraid