Traumatic Experiences Community Daily Check-in: Friday, 21st February 2020

How are you all doing today

Good morning! It's 11:30 am here and I just woke up. I've been with friends until late at night yesterday. I'm quite fine so far, let's see how the day goes. The last days have been positive, but it's hard for me to wrap my head around "positive", I hope it will slowly work though.

one thing going well

I'm slowly managing to see the door that leads to follow anything I desire most in life creaking open. I have to keep working on that, I'm trying my best not to waste opportunities that are thrown my way, because who knows when I would be able to make it on my own otherwise.

one thing not going well

Still not able to finish my studies and get a degree, and that's something I would really want. I hope I won't have wait too much and that they won't erase completely all that I did so far. I was so near to graduation when I had a complete mental breakdown because my c-ptsd was making its course.

what things make you smile list at least 5 things if you can

Animals. Being able to positively affect a child growth. Seeing moments of genuine happiness in other people. Nature, the woods, a river, mountains, being in places where I don't have anything else around me than nature. Music, the right kind of music in the moment I need it.

what hobbies do you enjoy and what is your favourite quote

I like drawing, crafting, writing, singing and acting. Also psychology, geology, ancient history, astronomy, nature, climbing almost anything, hiking, animals, doing physical exercise, cosplaying, dungeons and dragons, historical revival, medieval weapons, videogames... What else? There's a lot of stuff. Not sure if I like reading :( I used to, but it's like in the last years I don't trust that reading will truly entertain me, maybe I fear I would still feel anxiety and fear while doing it and I always end up rejecting the idea.

Anyway my favorite quote is still "a river cuts through rock not because of its strength, but because of its persistence". This quote makes me feel like I'm on the right path. It's different from many others I've red, like "if life gives you a storm, build a windmill". Yeah. Easy right? It almost feels like "where's the problem? Why can't you build a windmill and get over it?" almost every inspirational quotes give me this feeling of being wrong, as if having a ptsd was my fault because I couldn't immediately make something exclusively positive with my trauma, because I can't find a way to be "resilient" - I hate that word by now - or whatever else sh*t is written in the quote. Instead of reminding me what I still can't do, the river quote reminds me of what I'm doing everyday and of the progress I already, slowly but surely, made.

1. I'm okay so far

2. Semi rant incoming: Today, I don't want to feel sorry for myself. I know what I need to improve in myself. A pity party for myself won't do anything but give into the mindset that I can't do it, that I deserve depression and what happened to me. I can, I don't, I didn't. I can ease & maybe recover from this depression, trauma, & anxiety. I can recover from this ED, I'm the boss of my own body. I can re-gain physical strength. I can be patient with myself, I'm not a failure for losing muscle & relapsing. I just need slow down, regroup, eat more today (very scared about this but need to challenge myself. I'm tired of my ED it just keeps me stuck in my flashbacks telling me I don't deserve food. I can't have both my ED & strength train. Even before that comes healing from trauma and reducing these damn flashbacks. I need to get angry at my parents who abused, lied to, betrayed, abandoned, & violated me because of their own insecurities. This type of anger used to hurt me but maybe it can motivate me. I deserve to be strong dammit. Can is my word of the day, instead of can't.

3. Last night I couldn't finish a strength training workout. I felt so defeated and weak. Eventually I cried myself to sleep.

4. Comedy shows, my cats, that's about it right now.

5. Right now, jogging, writing, & netflixing

@CaringBrit

How are you all doing today

I am not ok today. I am feeling very sad and lonely.

One thing going well

I am taking care of myself, doing sports and eating sensibly

One thing not going well

Only one? Therapy

What things make you smile list at least 5 things if you can

My children, my rabbit, funny memes, funny comedies or series, Michael Mcintyre

What hobbies do you enjoy and what is your favourite quote

I like reading, writing, studying psychology, yoga, aquabike.

One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light, but by making the darkness conscious (Jung)

I'm feeling good today, thank you.

I finally moved in with my boyfriend completely! We've cleaned, I'm totally unpacked-- I'm doing my 7cups at my first ever desk!

I got laid off, and today's my last day at work. Said lots of goodbyes.

I like art, reading, videogames, and being outside!

A quote I like is by Ursula K. Leguine - "The trouble is that we have a bad habit, encouraged by pedants and sophisticates, of considering happiness as something rather stupid. Only pain is intellectual, only evil interesting. This is the treason of the artist; a refusal to admit the banality of evil and the terrible boredom of pain." She's talking about how it's interesting or cool to have a book with a terrible ending, and the stigma that if you're not miserable all the time that you're not being genuine.

@CaringBrit

How are you all doing today

Doing a little better than yesterday! Just trying to put my game face on and keep moving forward

one thing going well

I helped a kid feel bettet today :) so I was walking by a baseball field and Little League had their practice. There was this one kid who was smaller than the others and he was wearing the practice jersey but was hiding behind a bush. I was like "Hey, isn't that your team out there on the field? I bet they're looking for you!" and he's like "They all hate me, I'm the worst one on the team, nobody wants me out there." Mind you, he's only 6! I had this protein shake in my hand that I had from basketball practice and hadn't finished, so I did the only thing I could think of. I gave it to him and said "Drink this and then go out there and you'll be the best player Little League has ever had! It's a secret though." Not my best idea, but it was all I had to try to make him believe in himself. An hour later I'm walking back and this kid runs up to me and hugs me and he's laughing and he's like "Caden, it worked!" My heart literally melted!

one thing not going well

My parents just moved from Georgia all the way to Michigan and I'm having a bit of a hard time at my new school

what things make you smile list at least 5 things if you can

1) My cousin cheering for me at my games. I do several sports but mostly football and basketball and when this 4-year old decides to shout something from the sideline, it's the cutest thing ever!

2) Making a good play in a game

3) Making someone's day

4) My dad telling me I did well on a test or an assignment (I have dyslexia so schoolwork isn't easy for me but I'm getting there!)

5) Someone telling me I'm a good teammate (seriously, I don't want to be called the best, a star, and all that. I'm not. I'm far from that. But being a good teammate makes me feel great)

what hobbies do you enjoy and what is your favourite quote

I love sports. I've played soccer, volleyball, football, baseball, done track, but basketball is my favorite by far. I also like singing, watching movies, listening to music, and tutoring or coaching younger kids.

Favorite quote: "Believe you can and you're halfway there." Honestly, not much else needs to be said. I might be biased because I'm an athlete but I've heard the "mindset matters" talk so many times. It actually does matter. If you think you'll never be able to do anything well, you never will because you're the one putting limits on yourself. Once you believe in yourself, so many things are possible!