Traumatic Experiences Community Daily Check-in November 15, 2017
Hi everyone
Today I'd like to focus on TOUCH. Yes to some this is a bad word- I'm sorry. Dealing with trauma issues and then trying,thinking,remembering, longing for that good touch....BUT HOW CAN I DO IT AGAIN
Ok let's all sit and take a breath and read on slowly.
Whether the trauma was physical, sexual, or emotional, the impact can show up in manyissues. Survivors often believe deep down that no one can really be trusted, that intimacy and touch is dangerous, and for them, a real loving attachment is an impossible dream. Many tell themselves they are flawed, not good enough and unworthy of love. Thoughts like these can wreak havoc in relationships and for one who is just trying to seek that "good touch" throughout life.
So, how can we start learning and experience "good touch/comfort"? How can we accept a hug from someone we care for or a hug of comfort cause we are having a menlt down that day? A good friend shared this with me in another area on here. Please do add anything that you try or would like to try.
1. Take a chance - sometimes its about giving it a go, taking a chance that the person you are seeking comfort from wont hurt you and they will do different
2. Choose safe touch - explain to the person you are seeking comfort from why its important to have safe touch and what this means to you
3. Set boundaries for both giving and recieving
4. Have a safe word.......that way if the touch gets to much and you need it to stop you dont have to explain yourself
5. Communicate - talk to the person that you are seeking comfort from - explian a little of what makes touch or emotion connection so hard for you. Be heard, be understood.
@KristenHR @rozie @agreeableKite4304 @windflowers @SmileYoureWorthIt @DeborahUK @BooksHugsandTea6370 @YourFriendForever @AnnaKateMillerLCSW @RumpleSteeleSkin @firebolt110 @Amandisa16 @Softwhispers @Bella20 @FunkyNome @Melody293 @Emily619 @Racat @SoftForestHSP77 @Halogen @AriannaPink @Raveninthelabrynth @SunFern @Hoxenos @TheHoneyDoll @BeeLeigh @Isha @PeguinsCrossing @Compassionatelistener108@generousWaterfall39 @jr50 @InvaderStitch @QuickJazz @Laura @MonBon @Anomalia @helpfulWatermelon5615 @BestICanBe @Daydreamer47 @wontsleepwontwake @emotionalMaple9419 @Power @NihilNovi @amalieanne @delicatesnowflake16 @Juniter @TallulahRose @SilvestreVives8374 @Moosewithducks @Avaray @LucasWalker @CalmZebra60 @intelligentString @itspenguin @Strauberryjam @allnaturalNight50 @LifeIsMyCanvas@amiableRainbows22 @Zachsmom2013 @xxcassie @sensibleLemon9918 @peacefulorange59 @Kalen @Willingmyselfonposivitly @mymindschaotic2 @Shanti41 @snappywordfiend @KLM3278 @fruityVision @Greylight @vriska44 @AaliyahXOXO @RideaRainbow @Teasley4031 @Colourfulwatermelon53 @Majesticlily92 @SanguineWolfy98 @howlingwolf7 @resourcefulplum9773 @depressed08 @adeba26 @lightstar7 @raycascotch @RayneStorm @foreverinfinite @TropicalWatermelon @chandramoulieswar @AJustice @acacialazuli @Tiktaalik @Cassini @inventiveHickory4446 @cazzaworld @RubberDaisies @JoyCS @sympatheticcherry @Quietdime4559 @amicableNorth4690 @Standforfreedom @eJane @PowerofNow247 @SadMe70 @ckyg @lilbiscuitxo @kindofblue @JeJe2015 @Curtis @lifesnotouttogetyou @MacBlake @Muffinsinc @SummerFayte67 @Mysticrhythms @ohanasystem @smallPandaxX @mjmills76 @Survivetoalive @Diandra @ProSupport @manya @Dancingstrawberry34 @ryebug1 @M0UNT41NG1RL @EmberSunsets @catsith @NigellaConstance @lovingBanana5204 @WaywardAngel112702 @25forme @AmalieAnne @Eddy1105 @AmazingRainfall85 @Finnyfinnywinnywinny @knitwit704 @DolphinsRLife99 @Furiena @jeffwm @AnniAsian @softStar21 @Rainbowstar @CradleRat @cyanPlatypus6370 @Lunarrose92 @Scottcrowe318 @sendingyoulove @Asiam1971 @memories@Exquisitebeauty25 @Iamreadytochange @Kindhope67 @sunriessweetheart4514 @brilliantTurtle89 @Spencerremylvr @beautifuldevil @GoldenLookingGlass2 @KLM3278 @CourageousPower16 @Lucy @philosophicalship9444 @leothelittellioncub @Deceasedinternally @MKJart @affectionateapricot210 @themainjane
This is excellent!
@calmZebra60
Hello Calm good to see you in check in Whats exciting about this check in?
@RumpleSteeleSkin Hey Rumple, awesome post. For those whom have or will read my bio, one would assume I am very touch sensetive but I'm not. Except for holding hands. I totally begin to panic. I speak with my fiancé about it sometimes and he is very understanding and caring. I don't understand why holding hands makes me feel so trapped. Working on that. Thanks for this thread. :)
@Raveninthelabrynth
Hi Raven good to see you in check in Im sorry to hear you have issues with some touch, holding hands. Yes it can feel like ur trapped and scared. But I am so glad to hear you communicate as well as working on this. Good job
@Raveninthelabrynth what a world of difference when we have supportive and understanding partners whom are safe to communicate these vulnerable feelings to as well, right? I personally find the first issue is to be able to recognize the trigger, identify the resulting feeling / responses, communicate to my partner / whomever, and set needed boundaries. The result for me has been that I feel extremely vulnerable by but having this all respected, validated and supported has contributed to my healing and increased feelings of safety.
@purpleWest8143 Oh absolutely. This for me is just one weird thing that makes no sense. I grew up in a secluded place and ancient culture. There was no holding hands to be escourted anywhere. My parents left and went to americae when I was 5 and left me behind, then to be sent to live with another people, language, an culture an go to their schools. Never anyone holding my hand, didn't seem a thing either. With alle I've been through there is nothing that makes me feel trapped that I don't know I can get out of. Yet somehow, something so innocent as holding hands instantly imprisons me. It's the lack of a connection to any one or set of actions that stumps me so. Idk, I keep searching and I keep pushing through it.
@Raveninthelabrynth yeah our bodies and minds can be such a complex system at times. I suppose we dont always have to figure out the why for something ( although, i ALWAYS drive myself crazy trying to), its more about being able to overcome something in the here and now and for our functioning in the future.
@purpleWest8143 Indeed hon, well said. :)
@RumpleSteeleSkin the mention of sensitivity to touch, in particular, for me.
@calmZebra60
aaahhhh Calm got it! I really thought hard on what to write in my check in for trauma. So this topic I done for mindfulness and people really seemed to like it. Touch/comfort really is hard to reintergrate back into ones life due to trauma. So I thought today we kinda prush up on it some.
@RumpleSteeleSkin hmm i kinda get it but it feels like explaining to a child?? good touch bad touch?? idk..i get what u mean i dnt like ppl touching my lower back or legs atm but yeh... :(
@RumpleSteeleSkin this is a great post. thanks !
I would like to add here that when discussing about physical touches, it's important to consider the social and cultural norms as well. Acceptable physical intimacy and closeness vary across cultures. So for both the giving and receiving party, taking that into consideration can help. In many cultures, physical touches from individuals of any gender other than their own might not be considered acceptable, even when the intention is absoluely good and helpful.
In those cases, focusing on comforting words, using body language and facial expression that conveys care and understanding to the other person can be very helpful.
@SunFern
Hi Sun thank you for being here in check in Oh yes Sun I have not forgotten on the cultural or spiritual side of touch on this. I do like what you shared on accepting touch. There are many ways for this. Doesn't matter the "how" as long as people can try to connect back to this on their terms.
@RumpleSteeleSkin yep exactly
@RumpleSteeleSkin but one thing for sure, a comforting touch can be extremely healing for a person who is feeling okay and safe with the touch. it can work like magic.
@SunFern
Yes Sunnie I do agree with the power of touch. But also keep in mind a simple touch can also be so so devasting to someone
@SunFern Hi!!! You spoke my minds. Exactly.
@SunFern In some cultures like countries I have lived in Spain and France, touch is normal in terms of greetings. Regardless of gender or anything, It can be two kisses to the side of the face up to five. Also in Belgium it is really common (flemish part, not been to the rest yet) to show you are welcomed and please to see the other person, it is the kisses and also hug or touch of the arm. In the UK it is less of a thing and in North American is seems to be bad thing to do [based on my own observations only]. It is a little bit weird not greet someone with some form of touch, not sure if that is what the topic is about though. It is just I find touch normal part of social interaction but maybe that is just because of the cultures I have been in.
Hi everyone,
Rumple, this is an excellent topic. I remember when this was an issue for me. It was a little bit different as after having been told very misleading information about my purpose in life for so many years, I honestly believed that was my reality. I simply shut down and in essence was in a cycle of painful relationships.
That being said, it took time for me to understand and really believe that I was worthy of a positive, healthy experience. A big part of the process was establishing boundaries and going very slowly with individuals. It was great for me to build my self confidence and counter those false beliefs. People actually enjoyed my company (and I enjoyed theirs) without me feeling obligated to do anything other than experience what healthy friendships, relationships were supposed to feel like. It took practice, establishing trust, learning not to self-sabotage and being able to communicate effectively and appropriately.
It is a difficult thing to consider for many of us. So, as with most things I believe in being gentle with yourself and moving at a slow pace. If one is seeing a therapist, it is always helpful to have support as I did while learning these skills. It kept me grounded and helped me avoid slipping into old habits.
I hope some of you find my experience helpful in some small way.
Thinking of you all and wishing you a peaceful day.
@Compassionatelistener108
HI Compassionate good to see you in check in today aawww Compassionate I so do connect with you on learned "purpose" in life- really I do. I am very glad that you eventually found your truth. I so agree with you on establishing healthy boundaies on this topic. To take them slow and gain as much support as you can. To have people understand why you choose for boundaries. I'm glad you enjoyed their company and felt good doing so. Wonderful by sharing that you also practiced on trusting, not to self sabotage, and also communicating affectively. Those all do help in relearning or I should say "allowing" touch to be back into your world.
Yes it is very difficult for some to process this yet alone accept touch in their world. Being gentle to self and loving, patient as well. Gaining some trusted support also can help alot.
Thank you for sharing this and trusting us
@RumpleSteeleSkin
Thank you for your kind words, Rumple. You are always very supportive and compassionate.
I hope you have a wonderful day 💛
@Compassionatelistener108
How do we get people to come out and seek support? By giving grace and kindness and not hateful words or judging. I do enjoy supporting here and even tho I don't understand everyones situations or even the "why" on things. But I can show kindness
@Compassionatelistener108 I can relate quite a bit to your experience.
This is especially true in my own journey:
"It is a difficult thing to consider for many of us. So, as with most things I believe in being gentle with yourself and moving at a slow pace."
I've found that patience and self compassion -- and placing minimal pressure on myself -- is the only way for me to cope in a healthy fashion. Even at a baby tortoise pace it's still exhausting. The learning curve is oh so steep after enduring a lifetime of harsh conditioning and truly toxic circumstances.
@Compassionatelistener108 Whoops clipped the first part of the quote:
"It took practice, establishing trust, learning not to self-sabotage and being able to communicate effectively and appropriately."
Still a work in progress for me.😊⛺🍪❤️
@melliotm
Hi Mellio,
It is so good to see you. I can also relate to many of the things you have posted in the past. It took me many, many years to become aware and work with these patterns with an excellent therapist. When one thinks about it from a purely rational perspective, it also took me many, many years to integrate some of the distorted belief systems into my reality.
I know there were times when I barely moved at a snails pace. In hindsight it was a brilliant decision and I owe it to my therapist. I always wanted to power through things and at times we did; however, the times we slowed down and really processed were either at critical junctures of traumatic experiences or when I needed to acquire life lessons/skills that enabled me to live a more joyful life. He not only guided me through the healing process but considered my long term needs as well.
You keep being the wonderful you that you are Mellio. Here are a few extra cookies for your safe place 🍪🍪🍪⛺️. Take good care of yourself 💛
@RumpleSteeleSkin Hi!!! Very important one. A genuine compassionate hug can be very comforting and therapeutic. 
@Saif1for1Resilience
Hi Saif good to see you in check in today Yes for some a good gentle loving hug is great to have.
@RumpleSteeleSkin
Amazing post. I'm really glad someone approached this topic, as it's a very sensitive one in this community that I agree needs to be addressed in order to progress personally.
@Diandra
Hello Diandra glad you are in check in Trauma is a huge topic here and in life. And for many people "touch" is just not in their perspective right now. So the issue I agree needs to be addressed, but gently, showing validation that it is very hard, caring for the other persons anger or fears towards this. I hope to do more on this topic in time.
@RumpleSteeleSkin
Great post! Thanks for sharing it. I did not grow up with personal boundaries taught or accepted. So it was easy for boundaries to be stepped over when they werent clearly established. Im trying to establish them now. Great suggestions. Ive tried to teach my kids to have healthy boundaries, not realizing that I wasnt working on my own.
@WoodViolet this is me 100% too. Nice to see you on here !
@WoodViolet
Hello Wood good to see you in check-in I'm sorry to hear that you were not taught this. I am finding that more then 80% of people have not had this. So then they grow up not knowing and well things happen bad. Good job teaching your kids on setting those healthy boundaries. Learn also from them too. They are the best teachers
@WoodViolet i know what u mean... i didnt grow up to be taught that either so i rely on ppl around me to help me with it... i still find it hard to set personal boundaries and things because im trying to figure out what it all means.... :)
@RumpleSteeleSkin
hey, thanks for tagging me! i don't recall ever signing up to be tagged, though, and would really appreciate it if you didn't next time :) thanks for all the work you do & have a great day!
@windflowers
Hi Wind good to see you. I only do check-ins on Wednesday and don't control the teams taglist. But you can pm Rain to get your name removed
It was so nice reading this post. I never thought of a safe word. I always believed in communication was the key. Thank you for sharing more ideas!
Theres no new check in today so Im going to post here because Im a ball of mixed emotions! My oldest daughters in the hospital having her first baby - my first grand baby!!! And Im only 39 so thats some mixed emotions right there in itself 😆 Im so excited, anxious and scared for her! Mostly I keep thinking of how terrified I was during her birth, how alone I felt and how awful and unsupportive the nursing staff were. I assume they were full of judgement because I was 17 and there solo. She wanted me to wait to fly out until after the baby came and my flights booked for Tuesday but Im regretting that decision right now and wishing I was with her. Im worried shes going to feel like I did and have it end up being another traumatic experience to add to an already long list. Ahhhh !
@purpleWest8143
My mom had me when she was 16, and her mom was 39. I sent my grandma into menopause 😂
@BeeLeigh i literally just LOL
@purpleWest8143
Awww yay!! ☺️💜
@BeeLeigh thank you! ❤️ turned that nervous energy straight to excited energy.
@purpleWest8143
Aww, new babies are always fun and exciting! Spend as much time with this new little one as you can cuz they grow up so fast!! 💝