Traumatic Experiences Community Daily Checkin - Sunday 23rd July 2017
Good Afternoon Y'all!!! 
"Failure is a part of life. From time to time you will fail at something. That does not mean that you should give up and never be happy." Clement Getate
The fear of failure for Survivors can be paralyzing and terrifying. There is also the fear of success itself, believing yourself to be so bad, so terrible, so incapable of achieving anything good in life that you are afraid to try, or you sabotage yourselves. But you know whats even worse? The fear of continuing to fail, especially after youve just taken a pretty big hit.
If youre challenging yourself to grow creatively, emotionally or even physically, at some point along your healing journey, path, youre going to stumble. And thats okay. Your stumble could be a minor misstep, a full-on flop or something in between. But whats important is that you then get back up again, for each time you do, your not failure, your continuing on regardless of how hard it can feel.
Failures happen, but instead of seeing them as failures, perhaps change how you view things, perhaps see them as lessons in life, challenges in life, mistakes because everyone makes them and in life they are pretty much guaranteed. What matters most, however, isnt the fact you stumbled. What matters most is what you do immediately after. Because the decisions you make when youre down will determine how far you will succeed in your future.
When you get knocked down, it doesnt mean that youre weak, stupid or incapable. It means youre human. Youre brave for trying. And you know what, being a Survivor of Trauma makes you pretty brave, pretty courageous and incredibly strong no matter how many obstacles and challenges you meet along the way.
What do you see as you most major hurdles? How do you feel when you stumble but pick yourselves back up again? What do those stumbles teach you about yourself and what your trying to achieve? Do you believe that lifes lessons can make us stronger people for enduring them? What is your most major struggle in your healing? What has you managed to overcome so far?
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What do you see as you most major hurdles? How do you feel when you stumble but pick yourselves back up again? What do those stumbles teach you about yourself and what your trying to achieve? Do you believe that lifes lessons can make us stronger people for enduring them? What is your most major struggle in your healing? What has you managed to overcome so far?
Fear of talking, fear of...well, I guess being wrong? Like, always being worried I'm doing something wrong/will do something wrong. I feel pretty good when I "get it together". I don't know. Depends on what the "life lesson" is. Inability to speak about the things I really need to. I've been getting better at speaking a bit.
@BeeLeigh Hi Bee thanks for your post. Hows today treating you and are you doing anything nice for yourself today? I think the fear of talking is one many people can identify with but each time you reach out here, or reach out to others, you are finding your voice. Perhaps for some people it feels safer finding this online rather than in their day to day life but its all a step in the right direction. Trauma and abuse robs people of a voice and silences far too many people. The fear of being wrong - is this about perhaps not having remembered correctly or having got it wrong somehow? You know sometimes abusers make children question their reality as a way of getting a child to doubt themselves and subsequently their reality but it doesnt mean there is anything wrong in your truth? It is also very hard to face whats happened in childhood because its painful. Some people may try and deny what happened to them but deep inside they know what is there even if they try and block it. And if your fear of being wrong is around doing something wrong, what makes you feel that way Bee? Have you been told before you got things wrong? What is the worst case scenario even if you got something wrong and wouldnt you be human if you did lol or do you strive after perfectionism?
@dancingRainbow45
I'm always worried about messing something up or doing something wrong because mistakes haven't ended well for me historically. BUT, today we got to London and we're in a fancy hotel :)
@BeeLeigh "I'm always worried about messing something up or doing something wrong because mistakes haven't ended well for me"
Me too -- it hinders my decision making process. I get stuck and avoid as a result. Which then leads me to blame myself.
It's a cycle, it's vicious, and I'm glad yu're in London on vacation thoroughly enjoying yourself!!! :)
@BeeLeigh I guess perhaps you may need to re-educate yourself that mistakes happen in life, and some may not always end up making you feel good but we can all learn from mistakes too, it can help us to grow as people. London!!! and a fancy hotel!!! Nice one bee! How does it compare to Dublin? I know which one I would prefer lol
@dancingRainbow45
It'll come down to the food for me! Dublin had some seriously amazing food! But Cheese & Onion pringles are my favorite and they don't sell them in the US and they didn't have them in Dublin, but I just got a couple cans soooo, maybe London will win 😜
@BeeLeigh Oh I so love pringles but paprika is my fav. I thinkDublin may win on the food front there lol Though I have to say London has a big selection. If you get to visit China town there was a great chinese restuarant I went to when I was younger it was fantastic but its probably gone now. Hope you have a smashing time :)
@dancingRainbow45
All the paprika chips basically taste like our barbecue chips so they're not as enticing to me as the cheese & onion since we don't have those. I've actually ordered cheese & onion pringles from British Corner Shop online (along with several other things we don't have in the US!), and I would totally order Mezzo Mix Zero if that was even sold in the U.K. but it's just Germany and I cannot for the life of me find it anywhere online! I love trying new foods when I travel, but I hate when I can't find them anywhere else and then I just eat all of it the next time I find it lol
@BeeLeigh haha so aggravating. You should try scottish shortbread because I dont think you get that in the US as I used to send that to my friend along with marks and spencers chocolates because she told me the chocolate in the US was pretty naff lol
@dancingRainbow45
OMG if someone can find me the coconut Ritter Sport I would love you forever!! We found it once, in Poland, and haven't been able to find it literally anywhere since!! I buy so much junk food every time I travel cuz it's always stuff I can't get at home 😜
@BeeLeigh Hey Bee Sainsburys sell coconut ritter sport chocolate :) as does amazon :) And so does Waitrose 
@dancingRainbow45
Waitrose, Sainsbury's, and UK Amazon won't ship to me and it's almost $9/bar on US Amazon ☹️
But I did see a Waitrose somewhere around here 🤔
@BeeLeigh There are plenty of sainburys and waitroses in London so keep your eyes peeled :)
@dancingRainbow45
We're by the London Eye and we don't have a car cuz uh, you guys drive on the other side of the car and road so we've just been taking cabs everywhere lol
The little corner shop had less variety of Ritter Sport than the supermarket I go to back home so that wasn't helpful, but I always bring food home with me so I will definitely continue my search for the coconut one!
@dancingRainbow45
None of the places around here have the coconut one!!!! 😩 someone please send me this stupid candy bar I've been trying to find for over a year!!! 😩
Apt post, Rain. Apologies for copypasting from the Saturday check in, but I can't write this out again and today's check in wasn't up when I first posted it.
I'm in a bad place today. After weeks of contemplation, I don't think that I am up to the responsibility of caring for my 3 kitties any more :'( I can barely take care of myself at the moment, much less maintain their upkeep.
I'm overwhelmed and need someone to at the very least foster them until my mental health is in better shape, or, if that isn't an option, take them to the local humane society for adoption. They are suffering from my inability to take care of them properly.
I can't give them the attention they require, nor the affection. It's all too much for me. Health issues are becoming a factor and I can't afford vet bills.
I'm trying to avoid breaking down completely at the moment because these are my babies. I have to do what is best for them. It's so hard to know what that is.
I know that I'm making the right choice. It's my ability to handle the pain and allow myself to grieve that I am worried about. And the fact that I haven't been cat-free for almost 20 years.
It's going to take a lot of adjustment but I can't let them suffer any longer.
Part of me hopes I may still yet find a way to keep my little calico. Unfortunately, she is the one who is most in need of vet care. Financially, I'm just not in a position to provide for her.
Deep breath... everything is going to be OK, I'm doing the right thing. I'm not failing and it's ok to cry because I am sad. I am really, really sad.
"What matters most is what you do immediately after. Because the decisions you make when youre down will determine how far you will succeed in your future.
When you get knocked down, it doesnt mean that youre weak, stupid or incapable. It means youre human."
I feel very, very human today...
@melliotm Hey Mellio, no worries on copy and pasting from Saturday as Ive not had a chance yet to read saturdays checkin posts 
Im sorry to hear your in a bad place today. And Im sorry too that you feel unable to care for your 3 kitties due to you feeling unable to take care of yourself right now. Is this a decision you have finalised? Is it more of a financial issue or do you feel your unable to physically care for them right now? Do they help give you any sense of purpose in life, even if it means you have to get up to feed them?
What makes you feel they are suffering mellio? do you feed them, cuddle them, make sure they are not left wanting? or are you finding you are struggling with these needs of your kitties? Would it help if a friend came in to help you? or perhaps a volunteer befriender until things felt more managable for you? Worse case situation you gave them up for adoption, how would that make you feel?
Vet bills are hard to cope with I can appreciate that. And I know they rise each year. Have you considered insurance? I know it may not solve everything but it may give you peace of mind that should something go really wrong, you would be covered?
I feel for you mellio as a pet owner myself and it sounds as though you really are trying to look out for what is best for your cats. I know when i was going through stuff, there were times I felt I was a bad owner, incapable of being a good pet owner, wanting someone to come and take my animals away, usually when I was feeling so low about things that I didnt want to attach to anything incase I decided I had had enough. But I battled on. Do you feel life would really be easier for you if someone took care of your pets for a while. even if on a temporary basis? My only worry for you if how you may feel if you gave them up but of course you have to do what feels right for you.
You say you havent been cat free for 20yrs. So for 20yrs you have somehow found something within you to be that pet owner you wanted to be whilst also coping with all the issues you do. What has made it more difficult for you recently with regards caring for your Kitties?
Do you have any pet aid schemes where you are, or something equivalent to the PDSA which functions in the Uk and is a place where people on low income can get veterinary care?
Whatever decision you go for, make sure its the right one for you. If you do decide to part with your kitties, yes allow yourself the time to grieve because it will hurt and be painful and its a very tough decision your making right now. I dont envy the position your in and feel dreadfully sad for you. I hope you find the answers you need for yourself. Thinking of you 
@melliotm
😞 Your love for them is evident. I hope you can extend some of this love towards yourself. I think that you are wise and willing to face the truth (unfortunate as it is) that if they are in need of vet care you are unable to provide that it might be better to rehome or foster them out.
... can I come be human with you? I'm struggling very much today with my own human frailties which will soon expose me.
Be brave, I know you can do the right thing by them. ❤️
@themainjane Thanks Jane. Yes, let's be human in all its frailty today.
@themainjane What a lovely supportive post Jane that you sent to Mellio. Very proud of you for saying all that.
@melliotm
Just read Raine's response.
Speaking of making mistakes I should have read it before my original response.
Would very much like an answer to her questions. She has some good points I hadn't considered.
At any rate, please get back to us and even more importantly please know that it's OKAY, you are human, you are loved, you CAN beat this - there is a way out. Keep reaching out.
@melliotm
Now I understand what you were referring to in the chat earlier... So sad to hear that you can no longer take care of your beloved cats. But I am absolutely still impressed with how wise and strong you seem to have become, even if you may not feel like it now. You're aware of what you need, you're making the right decisions, I still think and hope that you're headed towards better times if you keep on this way.
@dancingRainbow45
What do you see as you most major hurdles? How do you feel when you stumble but pick yourselves back up again? What do those stumbles teach you about yourself and what your trying to achieve? Do you believe that lifes lessons can make us stronger people for enduring them? What is your most major struggle in your healing? What has you managed to overcome so far?
I am scared of making mistake and all time confused...myb sometimes ego stops me or shame... I feel still confused after picking myself back but relaze haven't made such bad mistake as may seam. I try to be more confident, have faith and that thing are more clear. I sure do believe life lessons can make you stronger but you shoudn't stop believing... I am to much sensetive and worry of making mistakes..sometimes I rush to much proces of healing. I manage to acknowledgeI am only human, that mistakes are part of life and not beat myself... try to go slower when need. I relize that proces is more important than perfection and not need to be perfect althought still may have need to be a bit.. I manage to believe in myself more and have faith.
@conscientiousPineapple1782 Hey Pineapple, good to see you
Another member afraid of making mistakes!! I think its common for most people in life to be afraid of making mistakes but what is the worst thing that could happen? You could beat yourself up which I know many of you do, or you could say okay its a mistake, I can try next time not to do the same, I have learnt from this mistake and will grow as a person :) I think for survivors of trauma, perhaps some of the fear around making mistakes may come from a time also where perhaps some of you may have been punished for having made mistakes historically. Would this fit with you?
You shouldnt stop believing I agree, you can become even more confident than you are now, and hope is always a good thing. I think a lot of people could identify with you Pineapple when you said about rushing the healing process. The thing is the healing process cant be rushed. trauma will heal in its own time, and by rushing through it and convincing yourself all is healed when perhaps its not, you may find things come back later on that still need to be dealt with. Trauma and its impact is like a legacy, a long term impact and that takes time to work through. No amout of rushing in the world will change that.
I love how you are now beginning to tell yourself that you are only human and that the process of healing is far more important than perfection and perhaps striving after perfectionism isnt realistic either 
@dancingRainbow45 I think for me the biggest fear is never achieving success in anything.
@philosophicalShip9444 Are you afraid of being successful Ship? I know that may sound a strange question but actually some survivors are afraid of success because all they have known is apparent or perceived failure. How would it feel to know and experience that you had succeeded at something you set out to do?
@dancingRainbow45 I can deffinetly identify with that.I have been taught and programmed that I am worthless in a sense. So it feels like this invisible barrier is holding me back. I don't know if I am nessecarily afraid or if it is that mentality of defeat. I guess I will find out soon.
@philosophicalShip9444 It can be very hard to fight back against programing around being worthless etc but it can be done. You dont have any mental deficit althought at times you may question if you do, its just hard to undo a lifetime of negative messages. It can also be frightening when dealing with the unknown, even with the familiar its what your used to , its what you known, replacing those messages is kind of like unknown territory, but is one that could lead to more happiness for yourself over time. Its hard, I dont underestimate how tough it can be, but with support i hope you get there.
Trauma wise I don't feel I failed. I think I did the best I could. However the trauma I experience was watching my ex boyfriend die for entire week of acute cancer in several places of his body. He had survivedone a liver transplant the summer before, just die in January after an exploration surgery. I helped for his last six weeks after we had been broken up over a year (we were together 8 years before that.) He cheated on me with this girl he talked to online for over a year.
@Rebekahwriter13
Yes you did the best you could. Its very tough to be alongside someone in the last weeks of his life, and as you said it was traumatic for you in the last week.. to be witness to pain and loss is hard. It takes time to recover from this, and there will be griief too And this may also be more complicated for you over his cheating and the break up. So do be gentle with your self and know that it will take time. Its helpful to have support from friends and family too,...someone to talk to, And we are here in support too. Hugs
@rozie thank you. I appreciate the support. I feel I get more help here than with my own therapist.
@dancingRainbow45
Sorry to check in so late, but I've had a very long, tiring day.
What do you see as your most major hurdles?
My major hurdles are:
◾Acceptence by society at large~ being "welcomed" by others instead of pushed away, and stigmatized for being "different" due to my Autism, PTSD, and depression.
◾Relationships ~ I have an incredibly hard time forming healthy relationships, growing relationships, and sustaining relationships. My Aspergers and the components of an ASD most likely all play a part in relational challenges.
◾Sensory Integration Disorder & functioning day to inaword that overwhems me, over-stimulates my nervous system & send me into a state of sensory-overload
◾Employment~ getting UNstuck from my present "under-employed" status & finding a better job fit
◾Housing~ finding a new house that is affordable, in a safe neighborhood, & close a bus stop
◾Transportation~ I hate unreliable public transportation for MANY reasons
◾Financial Stability ~ can't make ends meet on SSDI & part-time work, can't make it without SSDI
How do you feel when you stumble but pick yourselves back up again?
I have very mixed feelings because I have picked myself up & carried on all by myself for SO long only to be slammed face-down on the ground again. And, every time I invest more physical, mental, emotional, & spiritual energy into get up, steady on my feet..I get slammed down again and again and again and again~ consecutively harder and with more brutal force. I guess part of me is proud of myself for getting up time after time for the duration of many years and resisting the urge to give up and stay down, or end my life. And another part of me is angry and annoyed with myself for getting up after each knock down because I consider myself foolish for either believing "just maybe the next time
What do those stumbles teach you about yourself and what your trying to achieve?
From decade after decades of the non-stop slam-down patten, I have learned that I have determination, tenacity, courage, fearlessness, and fortitude.
Do you believe that lifes lessons can make us stronger people for enduring them?
I use to believe that tests and trials (aka: Life Lessons) would make me stronger, but the more trials, traumatic experiences, injuries, illnesses, and losses I've endured, the more worn down, weakened, and weary I've become. I've been through so many horrible events and experiences that I'm indifferent and desensitized to the ongoing damage, disorder, disintegration, and social alienation in my life.
What is your most major struggle in your healing?
Sorry it's a 3-way tie between struggles that are sort of all interrelated.
◾I think WAAAAAAY tooooo much!!! My brain never takes a break, or rests. I OVER-think and OVER-analyze just about everything, and I'm an analytical extreemist. I wish they had a 12-Step, "Over-Thinkers Anonymous" group I coud attend weekly (or daily 😕).
◾I also fight against "radical acceptence" of things I am powerless to control or change.
◾I am SO socially isolated and alone with no family, no friends, and no support system other than my three dogs.
What has you managed to overcome so far?
◾Being a survivor instead of a "vicitm" of childhood incest, and a sexual assault by an acquaintace
◾Addictions to prescription codeine,
marijuana, and alcohol
◾A long, hard 10-year battle with severe Anorexia
◾The loss of both my parents within an 8-week time frame
◾Using dissociation as a means to avoid the pain of dealing with triggers, choosing to dissociate instead of facing my issues and working through my traumatic
◾Using cutting to numb myself from emotional pain and to transfer my focus from mental and emotional pain to physical pain.
◾Not sure I've "overcome" this (probably moreso "survived" it all), but after a month-long hospitalization, I lost my job/career, two of my cherished dogs, my house/home, all my furniture, appliances, personal belongings, and automobile over a period of 4 months. And, I went through all that absolutely alone.
◾Again, not sure I've "overcome" this problem, but since age 11, I survived 5 serious suicide att4empts and stunned the ER & ICU doctors who treated me following my attempts. I am still working on not letting my mind dash to thoughts of ending my life when I feel defeated or hopeless.
@caterpillargirl
Nothing but respect. I'll say it again -- you are amazing. You're strength to carry on is almost super human. I'm sure that life gave you little other choice if you wanted to survive.
Thank you for being here.
@caterpillargirl
Yes I agree with Jane. You have come through so much, and so much on your own, you truely are amazing. And your story can be an inspiration to others, as we all walk together here, step by step.. Just wish it could be easier for you and hope that life will unfold for you in a kinder way.
