Traumatic Experiences Community Daily Checkin - Sunday 23rd July 2017
Good Afternoon Y'all!!! 
"Failure is a part of life. From time to time you will fail at something. That does not mean that you should give up and never be happy." Clement Getate
The fear of failure for Survivors can be paralyzing and terrifying. There is also the fear of success itself, believing yourself to be so bad, so terrible, so incapable of achieving anything good in life that you are afraid to try, or you sabotage yourselves. But you know whats even worse? The fear of continuing to fail, especially after youve just taken a pretty big hit.
If youre challenging yourself to grow creatively, emotionally or even physically, at some point along your healing journey, path, youre going to stumble. And thats okay. Your stumble could be a minor misstep, a full-on flop or something in between. But whats important is that you then get back up again, for each time you do, your not failure, your continuing on regardless of how hard it can feel.
Failures happen, but instead of seeing them as failures, perhaps change how you view things, perhaps see them as lessons in life, challenges in life, mistakes because everyone makes them and in life they are pretty much guaranteed. What matters most, however, isnt the fact you stumbled. What matters most is what you do immediately after. Because the decisions you make when youre down will determine how far you will succeed in your future.
When you get knocked down, it doesnt mean that youre weak, stupid or incapable. It means youre human. Youre brave for trying. And you know what, being a Survivor of Trauma makes you pretty brave, pretty courageous and incredibly strong no matter how many obstacles and challenges you meet along the way.
What do you see as you most major hurdles? How do you feel when you stumble but pick yourselves back up again? What do those stumbles teach you about yourself and what your trying to achieve? Do you believe that lifes lessons can make us stronger people for enduring them? What is your most major struggle in your healing? What has you managed to overcome so far?
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What do you see as you most major hurdles? How do you feel when you stumble but pick yourselves back up again? What do those stumbles teach you about yourself and what your trying to achieve? Do you believe that lifes lessons can make us stronger people for enduring them? What is your most major struggle in your healing? What has you managed to overcome so far?
Fear of talking, fear of...well, I guess being wrong? Like, always being worried I'm doing something wrong/will do something wrong. I feel pretty good when I "get it together". I don't know. Depends on what the "life lesson" is. Inability to speak about the things I really need to. I've been getting better at speaking a bit.
@BeeLeigh Hi Bee thanks for your post. Hows today treating you and are you doing anything nice for yourself today? I think the fear of talking is one many people can identify with but each time you reach out here, or reach out to others, you are finding your voice. Perhaps for some people it feels safer finding this online rather than in their day to day life but its all a step in the right direction. Trauma and abuse robs people of a voice and silences far too many people. The fear of being wrong - is this about perhaps not having remembered correctly or having got it wrong somehow? You know sometimes abusers make children question their reality as a way of getting a child to doubt themselves and subsequently their reality but it doesnt mean there is anything wrong in your truth? It is also very hard to face whats happened in childhood because its painful. Some people may try and deny what happened to them but deep inside they know what is there even if they try and block it. And if your fear of being wrong is around doing something wrong, what makes you feel that way Bee? Have you been told before you got things wrong? What is the worst case scenario even if you got something wrong and wouldnt you be human if you did lol or do you strive after perfectionism?
@dancingRainbow45
I'm always worried about messing something up or doing something wrong because mistakes haven't ended well for me historically. BUT, today we got to London and we're in a fancy hotel :)
@BeeLeigh I guess perhaps you may need to re-educate yourself that mistakes happen in life, and some may not always end up making you feel good but we can all learn from mistakes too, it can help us to grow as people. London!!! and a fancy hotel!!! Nice one bee! How does it compare to Dublin? I know which one I would prefer lol
@dancingRainbow45
It'll come down to the food for me! Dublin had some seriously amazing food! But Cheese & Onion pringles are my favorite and they don't sell them in the US and they didn't have them in Dublin, but I just got a couple cans soooo, maybe London will win 😜
@dancingRainbow45
London might win. My Gramma got us all deep tissue massages at the spa in our hotel 💆🏼☺️
Apt post, Rain. Apologies for copypasting from the Saturday check in, but I can't write this out again and today's check in wasn't up when I first posted it.
I'm in a bad place today. After weeks of contemplation, I don't think that I am up to the responsibility of caring for my 3 kitties any more :'( I can barely take care of myself at the moment, much less maintain their upkeep.
I'm overwhelmed and need someone to at the very least foster them until my mental health is in better shape, or, if that isn't an option, take them to the local humane society for adoption. They are suffering from my inability to take care of them properly.
I can't give them the attention they require, nor the affection. It's all too much for me. Health issues are becoming a factor and I can't afford vet bills.
I'm trying to avoid breaking down completely at the moment because these are my babies. I have to do what is best for them. It's so hard to know what that is.
I know that I'm making the right choice. It's my ability to handle the pain and allow myself to grieve that I am worried about. And the fact that I haven't been cat-free for almost 20 years.
It's going to take a lot of adjustment but I can't let them suffer any longer.
Part of me hopes I may still yet find a way to keep my little calico. Unfortunately, she is the one who is most in need of vet care. Financially, I'm just not in a position to provide for her.
Deep breath... everything is going to be OK, I'm doing the right thing. I'm not failing and it's ok to cry because I am sad. I am really, really sad.
"What matters most is what you do immediately after. Because the decisions you make when youre down will determine how far you will succeed in your future.
When you get knocked down, it doesnt mean that youre weak, stupid or incapable. It means youre human."
I feel very, very human today...
@melliotm Is that a good thing?
@dancingRainbow45 It's me doing my best to manage my emotions. Id rather see it as a normal part of life, rather than evidence of my incapability to function.
@melliotm Am glad your trying your best to manage your emotions and your certainly not incapable or any of the other negative things you may feel about yourself right now <3
@melliotm Hey Mellio, no worries on copy and pasting from Saturday as Ive not had a chance yet to read saturdays checkin posts 
Im sorry to hear your in a bad place today. And Im sorry too that you feel unable to care for your 3 kitties due to you feeling unable to take care of yourself right now. Is this a decision you have finalised? Is it more of a financial issue or do you feel your unable to physically care for them right now? Do they help give you any sense of purpose in life, even if it means you have to get up to feed them?
What makes you feel they are suffering mellio? do you feed them, cuddle them, make sure they are not left wanting? or are you finding you are struggling with these needs of your kitties? Would it help if a friend came in to help you? or perhaps a volunteer befriender until things felt more managable for you? Worse case situation you gave them up for adoption, how would that make you feel?
Vet bills are hard to cope with I can appreciate that. And I know they rise each year. Have you considered insurance? I know it may not solve everything but it may give you peace of mind that should something go really wrong, you would be covered?
I feel for you mellio as a pet owner myself and it sounds as though you really are trying to look out for what is best for your cats. I know when i was going through stuff, there were times I felt I was a bad owner, incapable of being a good pet owner, wanting someone to come and take my animals away, usually when I was feeling so low about things that I didnt want to attach to anything incase I decided I had had enough. But I battled on. Do you feel life would really be easier for you if someone took care of your pets for a while. even if on a temporary basis? My only worry for you if how you may feel if you gave them up but of course you have to do what feels right for you.
You say you havent been cat free for 20yrs. So for 20yrs you have somehow found something within you to be that pet owner you wanted to be whilst also coping with all the issues you do. What has made it more difficult for you recently with regards caring for your Kitties?
Do you have any pet aid schemes where you are, or something equivalent to the PDSA which functions in the Uk and is a place where people on low income can get veterinary care?
Whatever decision you go for, make sure its the right one for you. If you do decide to part with your kitties, yes allow yourself the time to grieve because it will hurt and be painful and its a very tough decision your making right now. I dont envy the position your in and feel dreadfully sad for you. I hope you find the answers you need for yourself. Thinking of you 
@dancingRainbow45 Those are a lot of questions...let me do my best.
Is this a decision you have finalised?
Pretty much, unless I can find an alternative.
Is it more of a financial issue or do you feel your unable to physically care for them right now?
Both.
Do they help give you any sense of purpose in life, even if it means you have to get up to feed them?
I don't know how to answer that, to be honest. I feel like they should give me a sense of purpose, but instead serves to make me feel stuck because I feel overwhelmed by everything.
What makes you feel they are suffering mellio? do you feed them, cuddle them, make sure they are not left wanting? or are you finding you are struggling with these needs of your kitties?
Struggling with these needs. I feed them, but they aren't getting the proper food required for special needs, and it's impacting their nutrition, coats, digestion and such. Plus they are stressed by my roommate's dog, and 2 of them hide most of the day. Those 2 used to be co-parented by a former roommate. But when they moved out, they left me with full responsibility, despite promises to share the load. They haven't even visited since last November, adding to my guilt.
Would it help if a friend came in to help you?
Maybe.
or perhaps a volunteer befriender until things felt more managable for you?
Maybe.
Worse case situation you gave them up for adoption, how would that make you feel?
If I gave them up for adoption, it would make me feel better to know that they were in an environment where their needs -- emotional and healthcare wise -- were being met and they were properly loved and cared for by someone prepared to meet the responsibility that comes with pet ownership.
Have you considered insurance? I know it may not solve everything but it may give you peace of mind that should something go really wrong, you would be covered?
Currently, my one torti has an autoimmune deficiency that makes her allergic to her teeth. They need to be removed, which will cost roughly $1,000 My little calico has severe dermatitis which she is scratching to the point of bleeding, and I think she may have an abcess. My black cat has such frequent, heavy urination and other symptoms that indicates kidney or diabetes. all in all, I'm facing a lot of long term care and costs vs catastrophic events. And because of circumstances relating to my trauma symptoms becoming acute, I wasn't home to get ahead of any of these issues. Since I've been back home, it's a daily struggle just to care for myself, much less provide the sort of hands on care that my babies need. And I am not in a place in my recovery where I can handle additional responsibilities when just keeping up with their boxes has been overwhelming.
Do you feel life would really be easier for you if someone took care of your pets for a while. even if on a temporary basis?
Yes, it would relieve a lot of pressure and guilt that I feel for being neglectful.
What has made it more difficult for you recently with regards caring for your Kitties?
Besides me becoming sober and my symptoms becoming unmanageable over the last year or so, (ie, I was able to take care of myself without struggle or conscious effort -- functional addiction, indeed), this is the first time where I've been solely responsible for feline care. I always either had a spouse/partner, or my mother (during a couple brief periods where I was living with my mother and her cat again), or a long-term roommate/ex-BFF who was actively involved in sharing the load of upkeep, costs, and emotional maintenance. My current roommate has made it clear that her dog is her sole priority, and that my cats are mine to deal with. As mentioned, former roommate/ex-BFF bailed and hasn't made any effort to even visit, despite my attempts to reach out and prior (broken) pledges. Had I known that my life would take the direction that it has I would have made some different choices.
Do you have any pet aid schemes where you are, or something equivalent to the PDSA which functions in the Uk and is a place where people on low income can get veterinary care?
The one service that provides for low income pet owners is overwhelmed and has a lengthy waiting list. And the cost of medication remains the same. Even with savings, it's still beyond my financial ability.
Whatever decision you go for, make sure its the right one for you.
I will. This hasn't been an easy process to reach this point.
If you do decide to part with your kitties, you allow yourself the time to grieve because it will hurt and be painful and its a very tough decision your making right now.
That's precisely why I've reached out -- I have so, so much trouble allowing myself to grieve. I bottle up and ignore my feelings until they fester and become toxic. This is me preemptively reaching out for support and accountability, giving myself permission to feel awful and to remember them, keep loving them, instead of just... pretending that it never happened or didn't hurt or they never existed or something like that. I don't think I even know how to process grief. Denial, avoidance, deadening of feelings, self harm -- unhealthy coping measures are what I've relied on in the past to get by. And that's a huge reason why I'm now wired how I am. I don't want to do that to myself again.
I don't want to punish myself any more just for being human. :'(
@melliotm
That is some acute issues that your torti, calico and black cat has. Perhaps with you having to struggle taking care of yourself it is perhaps relevant to consider insurance in this case so atleast you get covered and have a peace of mind.
Well someone taking care of your cats would bring you relief however the neglect is defnitiely not intentional so its not a neglect by choice.
I see the barrage of people leaving you including your roommates have made it difficult for you to take care of your felines. I wish you had atleast your room mates support in this. But given your struggles I understand it is difficult for you to take care of them single handedly and there is no harm in seeking support for that.
Yeah the wait list is a bit of issue and the entire processing formalities is too tedious. Plus the benefits after all these pain is minimal.
Given the circumstances prevailing and your own ability I am hopeful you will be able to come to the best decision.
Well the cats have been just like you family so yes you will have an immense grief when and if you take that decision. Well. It wont be easy for you to part with them. Do keep loving them but in the end you did what best you could for them given that all others have let you down and thereby them.
@sujaypai Thanks, sujay. Trying to just let my feelings be and sit with them today. And not fall into a well of inner criticism or wall off the feelings to hide from the pain.
@melliotm
You have thought long and hard from the sounds of it about the decision with regards your pets. Its so sad when our animals are sick especially where a condition is ongoing and costly and it sounds as if your have given much thought to the predicament you find yourself in. It can be easy to reach but know whatever you do and whatever decision you go with, your thinking about whats best for you and for your cats whom you care for deeply.
Animals can be a big commitment and when there is limited help around it, it can feel quite a burden for sure. I know having a dog how tied I can feel, whereas my cats are pretty independent and look after themselves but I have been lucky so far in that both my cats have good health. But I also know how overwhelming it can feel, especially when it comes to rising vet costs. Animals can bring so much love and comfort but equally much worry and anxiety.
It sounds like your trying to do your very best for your cats but have a problem in addition with regards your roommates dog. Perhaps being in a home without a dog would be a better place for them to be. Do you feel the cats could adapt to a dog being there or is there any chance in the future of you moving out to your own place? It sounds as if you were really left with no choice but to take the cats on but were let down by the person who said they would share responsibility for them. Have you tried to contact this person to explain the current situation and to see what they could offer? It may be worth considering contacting them. As these cats belonged to them, wouldnt that make them liable for any vet bills?
It sounds as if you really feel the cats would be better off being cared for by others who could meet the responsibilities involved and who could give to the cats what you feel currently your not able to.
Go with your heart Mellio. Do what deep down you believe to be the right decision. It may hurt and it may be upsetting should you go with giving them up but perhaps in the future when things are more certain for you, you could get another pet when you feel your in a better position to be able to care for them. Otherwise consider contacting the person who owned the cats or try and see if someone could help out in any way.
@dancingRainbow45 Go with your heart Mellio. Do what deep down you believe to be the right decision. It may hurt and it may be upsetting should you go with giving them up but perhaps in the future when things are more certain for you, you could get another pet when you feel your in a better position to be able to care for them.
This is what I'm going with. At this point, it would be selfish of me to try to keep going the way I am. I have to put so much focus info remaining grounded, and their care has suffered as a result of circumstances.
I didn't expect any of this to go down like it did. I've tried to contact their former co-owner, but they ignore my outreach. We had a falling out last year in the midst of my trauma symptoms starting to go haywire, right before I got diagnosed (right around this time -- anniversary depression is a thing, right?)
It's already hurting so much, and they haven't even left yet. I honestly don't know how to grieve. I'm still learning how to address all the past issues that I never allowed myself to accept or feel or...well, you know how it goes.
I'm exhausted and overwhelmed by all these feelings, trying my best to not fall completely apart again. I don't know if it's supposed to hurt this much or if it's amplified by my damned C-PTSD brain flashing back to some other catastrophic loss from the past that was never dealt with. I don't know if it's normal for me to feel like my heart is shattered right now.
I just know that everything hurts so much right now -- and they haven't even left yet.
What if I'm making a mistake? What if no matter what I do its the wrong decision? A Hobson's choice if ever there was one.
@melliotm
😞 Your love for them is evident. I hope you can extend some of this love towards yourself. I think that you are wise and willing to face the truth (unfortunate as it is) that if they are in need of vet care you are unable to provide that it might be better to rehome or foster them out.
... can I come be human with you? I'm struggling very much today with my own human frailties which will soon expose me.
Be brave, I know you can do the right thing by them. ❤️
@themainjane Thanks Jane. Yes, let's be human in all its frailty today.
@themainjane What a lovely supportive post Jane that you sent to Mellio. Very proud of you for saying all that.
@dancingRainbow45
Thank you.
@melliotm
Just read Raine's response.
Speaking of making mistakes I should have read it before my original response.
Would very much like an answer to her questions. She has some good points I hadn't considered.
At any rate, please get back to us and even more importantly please know that it's OKAY, you are human, you are loved, you CAN beat this - there is a way out. Keep reaching out.
@themainjane <3 I feel so horrible right now. I don't want to feel horrible but I do. I just want to hold my little calico as much as I can (I know we're not supposed to have favourites, but she is mine). She of course being a cat doesn't want to acquiesce despite my insistence. Part of me wonders if she can sense why I'm holding on so tightly to her at the moment.
@melliotm
Now I understand what you were referring to in the chat earlier... So sad to hear that you can no longer take care of your beloved cats. But I am absolutely still impressed with how wise and strong you seem to have become, even if you may not feel like it now. You're aware of what you need, you're making the right decisions, I still think and hope that you're headed towards better times if you keep on this way.
@hereigoagain thank you hereigo for a lovely supportive response to mellio who is facing a very difficult decision
@hereigoagain 💕💕💕
@dancingRainbow45
What do you see as you most major hurdles? How do you feel when you stumble but pick yourselves back up again? What do those stumbles teach you about yourself and what your trying to achieve? Do you believe that lifes lessons can make us stronger people for enduring them? What is your most major struggle in your healing? What has you managed to overcome so far?
I am scared of making mistake and all time confused...myb sometimes ego stops me or shame... I feel still confused after picking myself back but relaze haven't made such bad mistake as may seam. I try to be more confident, have faith and that thing are more clear. I sure do believe life lessons can make you stronger but you shoudn't stop believing... I am to much sensetive and worry of making mistakes..sometimes I rush to much proces of healing. I manage to acknowledgeI am only human, that mistakes are part of life and not beat myself... try to go slower when need. I relize that proces is more important than perfection and not need to be perfect althought still may have need to be a bit.. I manage to believe in myself more and have faith.
@conscientiousPineapple1782 Hey Pineapple, good to see you
Another member afraid of making mistakes!! I think its common for most people in life to be afraid of making mistakes but what is the worst thing that could happen? You could beat yourself up which I know many of you do, or you could say okay its a mistake, I can try next time not to do the same, I have learnt from this mistake and will grow as a person :) I think for survivors of trauma, perhaps some of the fear around making mistakes may come from a time also where perhaps some of you may have been punished for having made mistakes historically. Would this fit with you?
You shouldnt stop believing I agree, you can become even more confident than you are now, and hope is always a good thing. I think a lot of people could identify with you Pineapple when you said about rushing the healing process. The thing is the healing process cant be rushed. trauma will heal in its own time, and by rushing through it and convincing yourself all is healed when perhaps its not, you may find things come back later on that still need to be dealt with. Trauma and its impact is like a legacy, a long term impact and that takes time to work through. No amout of rushing in the world will change that.
I love how you are now beginning to tell yourself that you are only human and that the process of healing is far more important than perfection and perhaps striving after perfectionism isnt realistic either 
@dancingRainbow45 I think for me the biggest fear is never achieving success in anything.
@philosophicalShip9444 Are you afraid of being successful Ship? I know that may sound a strange question but actually some survivors are afraid of success because all they have known is apparent or perceived failure. How would it feel to know and experience that you had succeeded at something you set out to do?
@dancingRainbow45 I can deffinetly identify with that.I have been taught and programmed that I am worthless in a sense. So it feels like this invisible barrier is holding me back. I don't know if I am nessecarily afraid or if it is that mentality of defeat. I guess I will find out soon.
@philosophicalShip9444 It can be very hard to fight back against programing around being worthless etc but it can be done. You dont have any mental deficit althought at times you may question if you do, its just hard to undo a lifetime of negative messages. It can also be frightening when dealing with the unknown, even with the familiar its what your used to , its what you known, replacing those messages is kind of like unknown territory, but is one that could lead to more happiness for yourself over time. Its hard, I dont underestimate how tough it can be, but with support i hope you get there.
Trauma wise I don't feel I failed. I think I did the best I could. However the trauma I experience was watching my ex boyfriend die for entire week of acute cancer in several places of his body. He had survivedone a liver transplant the summer before, just die in January after an exploration surgery. I helped for his last six weeks after we had been broken up over a year (we were together 8 years before that.) He cheated on me with this girl he talked to online for over a year.
@Rebekahwriter13
Yes you did the best you could. Its very tough to be alongside someone in the last weeks of his life, and as you said it was traumatic for you in the last week.. to be witness to pain and loss is hard. It takes time to recover from this, and there will be griief too And this may also be more complicated for you over his cheating and the break up. So do be gentle with your self and know that it will take time. Its helpful to have support from friends and family too,...someone to talk to, And we are here in support too. Hugs
@rozie thank you. I appreciate the support. I feel I get more help here than with my own therapist.
@dancingRainbow45
Sorry to check in so late, but I've had a very long, tiring day.
What do you see as your most major hurdles?
My major hurdles are:
◾Acceptence by society at large~ being "welcomed" by others instead of pushed away, and stigmatized for being "different" due to my Autism, PTSD, and depression.
◾Relationships ~ I have an incredibly hard time forming healthy relationships, growing relationships, and sustaining relationships. My Aspergers and the components of an ASD most likely all play a part in relational challenges.
◾Sensory Integration Disorder & functioning day to inaword that overwhems me, over-stimulates my nervous system & send me into a state of sensory-overload
◾Employment~ getting UNstuck from my present "under-employed" status & finding a better job fit
◾Housing~ finding a new house that is affordable, in a safe neighborhood, & close a bus stop
◾Transportation~ I hate unreliable public transportation for MANY reasons
◾Financial Stability ~ can't make ends meet on SSDI & part-time work, can't make it without SSDI
How do you feel when you stumble but pick yourselves back up again?
I have very mixed feelings because I have picked myself up & carried on all by myself for SO long only to be slammed face-down on the ground again. And, every time I invest more physical, mental, emotional, & spiritual energy into get up, steady on my feet..I get slammed down again and again and again and again~ consecutively harder and with more brutal force. I guess part of me is proud of myself for getting up time after time for the duration of many years and resisting the urge to give up and stay down, or end my life. And another part of me is angry and annoyed with myself for getting up after each knock down because I consider myself foolish for either believing "just maybe the next time
What do those stumbles teach you about yourself and what your trying to achieve?
From decade after decades of the non-stop slam-down patten, I have learned that I have determination, tenacity, courage, fearlessness, and fortitude.
Do you believe that lifes lessons can make us stronger people for enduring them?
I use to believe that tests and trials (aka: Life Lessons) would make me stronger, but the more trials, traumatic experiences, injuries, illnesses, and losses I've endured, the more worn down, weakened, and weary I've become. I've been through so many horrible events and experiences that I'm indifferent and desensitized to the ongoing damage, disorder, disintegration, and social alienation in my life.
What is your most major struggle in your healing?
Sorry it's a 3-way tie between struggles that are sort of all interrelated.
◾I think WAAAAAAY tooooo much!!! My brain never takes a break, or rests. I OVER-think and OVER-analyze just about everything, and I'm an analytical extreemist. I wish they had a 12-Step, "Over-Thinkers Anonymous" group I coud attend weekly (or daily 😕).
◾I also fight against "radical acceptence" of things I am powerless to control or change.
◾I am SO socially isolated and alone with no family, no friends, and no support system other than my three dogs.
What has you managed to overcome so far?
◾Being a survivor instead of a "vicitm" of childhood incest, and a sexual assault by an acquaintace
◾Addictions to prescription codeine,
marijuana, and alcohol
◾A long, hard 10-year battle with severe Anorexia
◾The loss of both my parents within an 8-week time frame
◾Using dissociation as a means to avoid the pain of dealing with triggers, choosing to dissociate instead of facing my issues and working through my traumatic
◾Using cutting to numb myself from emotional pain and to transfer my focus from mental and emotional pain to physical pain.
◾Not sure I've "overcome" this (probably moreso "survived" it all), but after a month-long hospitalization, I lost my job/career, two of my cherished dogs, my house/home, all my furniture, appliances, personal belongings, and automobile over a period of 4 months. And, I went through all that absolutely alone.
◾Again, not sure I've "overcome" this problem, but since age 11, I survived 5 serious suicide att4empts and stunned the ER & ICU doctors who treated me following my attempts. I am still working on not letting my mind dash to thoughts of ending my life when I feel defeated or hopeless.
@caterpillargirl
Nothing but respect. I'll say it again -- you are amazing. You're strength to carry on is almost super human. I'm sure that life gave you little other choice if you wanted to survive.
Thank you for being here.
@caterpillargirl
Yes I agree with Jane. You have come through so much, and so much on your own, you truely are amazing. And your story can be an inspiration to others, as we all walk together here, step by step.. Just wish it could be easier for you and hope that life will unfold for you in a kinder way.
