Traumatic Experiences Community Daily Check-in Sunday 7th of October, 2018
Hi Trauma Fam,
Its a chilly Sunday for me, so Im bringing lots of snuggly blankets today! Tea and coffee making facilities are to the right, I stashed the hot choc behind the biscuit/cookie tin (shhhhhhhh dont tell everyone but help yourself).
We are going to look at another part of boundaries today, Im in my bravery blanket!
Consequences & Behaviours are probably the trickiest bit of boundaries. When we have had our boundaries ignored over and over it can feel like our power to set and maintain boundaries was either taken away or somehow never existed. This isnt the truth though, although abusers are happy for us to think that because it helps them to hold onto all of the power in a relationship.
There are 2 parts to maintaining our boundaries, the first is to decide on appropriate consequences if they are ignored.
Trespassing on other peoples property carries consequences. In the same way, we need to back up our boundaries with consequences. They let people know the seriousness of the trespass and the seriousness of our respect for ourselves.
For example, one of your boundaries is that you dont like to be shouted at. Say your family member is feeling frustrated and begins to shout, here are a couple of things that you could consider as a consequence response:
- Walk away, come back when they are calm and tell them that shouting is not ok for you. This option might be good if you are too triggered to work things through in that moment. It could also be that the other person is too upset to work though it in the moment too.
- Ask them why they are shouting. When they tell you the reason, i.e. they are frustrated, or hurt you can respond to their need but also reassert your boundary. E.g. I hear that you are feeling hurt and frustrated, I want to listen and work that through with you but it is not ok for you to shout at me. If you need some time to feel calm we can talk about it in a little while. Now you both have equal status and needs and the situation is neutralised.
The second is that behaviours also have consequences, and we may be tempted to rescue people from the natural consequences of their behaviour. Doing so, however, renders them powerless and hinders them from having a sense of control over their lives.
If we go back to the shouting scenario, say youve asked them what is wrong, and then the conversation becomes about how hurt they are. You can begin to try to soothing them before you have asserted your boundaries and what they had done to trespass them. This leaves them powerless because they might understand you didnt like them shouting, but we havent actually told them how we want to resolve the trespass. Next time they feel frustrated they still dont actually know how to tell us in a better way for us, and if we have soothed them rather than help them learn to sooth and regulate their own emotions, we may have unwittingly set up a pattern for the future that when they need soothing they shout.
I realise that there are a few things to think about here, I would love to know your thoughts. How else could you respond to this situation? What has or hasnt worked for you in the past? Is there something you are stuck on that we could help you to work through?
Not feeling this topic? Come say hi and snuggle up with a cuppa!
I don't understand how to enact consequenses and behaviours stuff.
I've tried before, but with my own property, with my own body. I dunno people just don't seem to care and often I am too scared to do or say anything. I guess there is a big problem with the fact I see very little as my property aside from my thoughts. And even then they are easily influence and have betrayed me before. SO yeh. How do you create boundries when you don't know where the line is.
I don't LIKE to have stuff taken or done to me, but I still struggle with really trying to protect it. The harder I try the more someone knows that I care, the more I care the more interesting I become. I don't want to become interesting, not for the wrong reasons. So I just switch off or pretend to not care and hide the things I really care about because then they can't be taken as easily. Even then if someone finds it I just pretend that I don't care because then they can't win. And hell if I can convince myself I don't care then double win, saves me some of the pain. Damn I have some messed up phycology.
Its funny really because growing up I had plenty of 'things', but like.. I always knew they were mum and dads things that were like... on loan to us. If we broke them then we would be breaking mum and dads things. If we desperately wanted to keep them they could still be taken away. My favourite blanket they just threw in the bin one day when I wasn't home. When they were angry my dad would take out all the books, cd players, toys. Everything. I would hide stuff in strange places so that I still had stuff. My body also wasn't mine. I was locked in cars, in the house, dragged around, threatened, hurt. Bitten and attacked by my sister. Chased.
I learned growing up the more you fought the worse it got. Why would I try and put up boundries if someones only going to overstep them and I don't have the power to do anything!? Do I really have the right to keep anything as mine? To set a line? What if someone else needs it more than me? What if they had a reason for over stepping and I am upsetting them by enforcing consequences. What if they hurt themselves due to my consequences. How do you give unstable people consequense without endagering them? How far is too far? Will it hurt more for someone to overstep my boundries or for me to lose them? What are the consequences of my consequenses?
IDK. People make it sound so easy. Sorry for the long thought dump.
@Lilibuth12
i found your 'thought dump' to be incredibly enlightening, Lilibuth~! i know exactly what you are talking about ! let me congratulate you on your insight and fortitude. your "Coping Mechanism" was perfect for the circumstances in which it was developed.
the next step, as i have seen it, is to begin to PRAISE yourself for a Job Well Done. perhaps it's time to put "Surviving THAT" on your internal Resume', and begin job hunting for a new way of coping with a new environment (so to speak).
@GustyOne4U
Ahahah I agree just a little hard to convince your monkey brain its the way things should go. Its hard for me to just get rid of all these protective mechanisms with my parents still in my life making demands. This is where I really need boundries and I honestly have no idea how to enforce them. Surviving is always one thing, living afterwards the hardest bit.
