Traumatic Experiences Community Daily Check-in Tuesday 13th June 2017
Good morning to you all
One of my favorite story book characters is Winnie the Pooh... in stories, poems, quotes and pictures.
Lately I've had an image in mind of Pooh holding on to a large balloon. The balloon has Hope written on it. (don't know what colour the balloon is) But holding tightly on to Pooh's other hand is Piglet. And Pooh is saying to Piglet : "I will hold on to hope for you until you can hold on to it for your self." ( can't find a picture, but maybe an artistic person among us, could produce this)
Reflecting on this...that the journey we are on often seems too hard and is going on for too long... we get weary and sick of it.. sometimes wishing we'd never started. Then hope can be difficult to find, let alone hold on to. Suggest that like Piglet, we may need someone else to hold on to hope for us at times.
Wondering how you are holding on to hope......or is someone holding it for you for now... or do you need someone to hold it for you.Please share your reflections on this or other concerns. Be encouraged today.
Rozie (in trepidation and hoping this will post)
"...do you need someone to hold it for you?"
Yes. Please. My hands are already full juggling anxiety and depression (etc, etc, etc).
Need to be especially kind to myself today. Fear and doubt seem to be crowding out any space for hope lately. Feelings may only be a reaction to thoughts, but recent overthinking (of the fearful and self-critical variety) has lead to some overwhelming (and oppressive) feels. ☹️
@rozie
I hold onto hope with a death grip.
@MKJart
I hear ya
@rozie I loved Winnie the Pooh....😊 awesome post
Most peoples posts here today are there are good or holding onto to hope, so do not read and I do not want spoil those feelings. I am kind of sad and I am not really sure why, it as if there is an emptiness kind of a cross between Mutterseelinallein and Toska but not as extreme. Sorry I have run out of words in languages I know to express myself. It is useful to borrow them from others but perhaps somewhat negative I learnt them. So there is that empty sadness there although it is not to strong. A simple longing for something but I have no idea what for.
Also a bit of frustration because I have speech therapy this afternoon and I really wanted to be able to say all the sounds in the IPA but 15 sounds I simply cannot do no matter how I try. It is not that I will lack help to learn to say them it just I wanted to do it by myself, to be capable of it. Kind of makes me want to kick something which is normally grumpy, although I am more empty sad than grumpy. Plus, a dash of fear which I have not been able to work out, I know thoughts, behaviours and then emotions but it is difficult because I do not know when I suddenly has this fear in me neither can I describe it to myself.
It is a shame as well because I had a most amazing dream, kind of like an adventure which a lovely story, fully of colour and life. Then I woke up and going back to sleep did not make the story return sadly. I guess I have been so tired recently, in a way it is more normal for me to be tired but the person who regulates my emotions is not here. So I have been reading a lot during the night, no ghost stories though or I would be scared. Charlie you should just read BLAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH. I guess it is one of those days that just having an argument with someone would help me, so just need to find someone to argue with and something to argue about. Even the thought of making myself have a panic attack occurred but my silly brain refused to help out. Then again, I am kind of tired. Just blasted BLAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH
@AmalieAnne
also I had speech therapy as a child. It was frustrating to know what I wanted to say and not be able to say it.
You do and will continue to have a rich mastery of language - and languages.
How articulate you will be!
@themainjane Maybe find yourself first before any God. I had speech therapy and my speech therapist she kind of made me feel better. At least I know that you got the end, right? I hope one day to be articulate in voice just have to be patient I guess..
@AmalieAnne
I understand "mother soul alone."
it felt much greater than ennui as I'm sure you know. I didn't have speech therapy for very long.
Remeber also please that while you are smarter than me it is also nice to be kind. 🙂
@themainjane I am certainly not smarter than you, that would be a false claim to make. I used a German word which does translate I guess into "Left alone even by mother" but the word has more to do with self-pity that I was feeling, that feeling of being around people yet alone so you might do whatever the hell you like for matters little to yourself or other. There is no English version of mutterseelinallein which is why I felt it right to use, perhaps because I do not know an English word or saying that means the same. Expression and knowing my emotions is difficult. I hope that I am always kind to you although to be honest you frighten which is silly of me I guess. How long did you have speech therapy for? You must of mastered it quickly.
@AmalieAnne
again I'm sorry. My baggage, not yours. And you frighten me too but I like you lol. Lots of things frighten me.
Ive never felt free to do as I please. Altho I often do, especially now. But back when I was a child? Nooo. I was shy and timid and frightened and obedient. My heart ached for people and because I was raised with such religious beliefs this took a peculiar twist.
I don't recall how long I went to speech therapy. It was either part of a year, I guess? It wasn't severe, I just baby-talked. Had a difficult time getting my mouth to say the words the way I knew they should be pronounced. I think there are several kinds, mine was the less severe.
@AmalieAnne
I did not know those words but I do recall those feelings of a soul searching.
I was reaching mainly for God and for myself but had a difficult time finding, holding onto and letting go of both.
coming back, etc.
@AmalieAnne
I am sorry about your sadness and emptiness, I know those feelings too well. I am in a stuck point, too, of being at a loss of what to be hopeful about. I have gone through so many traumatic and painful things in my life that my whole focus has just been on daily survival, and going to therapy and doctor appoimoments. And now as an adult, I find I really have no "beautiful dreams," a "plan," a "vision," or "major goals" for my life. The things I wanted for my life when I was younger (having a great career after college, going on vacations and traveling, owning a nice, reliable car, getting married, having children and MY OWN family, owning a home, in a safe neighborhood, that I could decorate any way I want) are no longer viable options, or realistic things for me to strive for anymore. So, I know it can be scary to think about your future and not see a clear picture in your mind of anything. But, Amalie, that's OK. I have seen people state that they know exactly what they want to do with their life, then pursue it will all their might...only to find, once they attain those goals, that they are disappointed that this "perfect life," they dreamed of, and created is not truly bringing them happiness and fulfillment. You are SO smart, at your young age, to be getting the help, and seeking the support you need and deserve. Keep going to your speech therapy sessions. I spent years in speech therapy during my childhood because no one could really understand what I was saying. I had SO much to say, and a lot of sounds came out of my mouth when I'd try to communicate something, but I guess it was if I was speaking in some mysterious foreign language. And, do you know what people comment the most on when they meet me, and talk with me? They say I am "so articulate and a great communicator." Which is so hard for me to grasp because there was a period of years when I was young that I just stopped talking. I was just so frustrated in my inability to be understood, that I just went silent. It was considered/diagnosed as elective mutism, and I don't know how, except though a lot of psychological counseling, speech therapy, and practice that I got to a place of being referred to as "very articulate," and graduating college with two degrees in communications. I just want you to know that there IS hope for each of us even if our pain blinds us from seeing it. And, it doesn't matter If others are hopeful about your progress, or where you are a at for someone your age. My family wrote me off as "hopeless," gave up on me, and had me institutionalized. But, even though I was deeply depressed, I stubbornly refused to give up on myself. I wanted to prove my family wrong, and I have. Use the energy in your frustrations for the right causes. Use it as 'fuel" to take you father along the right paths. And, if that doesn't work to release your built-up anger and frustrations...consider taking up boxing. I'm serious! A lot of girls where I live join boxing gyms and take classes. I used to have a huge boxing bag hanging up at my house, and punching it was helpful when I'd get so angry that I felt like I would burst. In closing, know there are SO many people, myself included, here on 7Cups who care about you and want to know how you are doing, and coping with life. 💟
@caterpillargirl Thank you for the reply and you have given me a lot to think about. For some reason Browning's Andrea del Sarto came into my mind when reading what you wrote, maybe it was of debility or having but one thing you will never grasp. My wish for you, one beautiful dream knowing you will never obtain it, not for humility at all rather so hope is within you. That would at least make me feel better. I did not realise so many people here at least had been through speech therapy. Your stubbornness is an amazing quality one which for better or worse I share, using that at least is better than anger. Although I have killed a few pillows.
@caterpillargirl
You have proven you know how to find your way out of difficult situations. You're perseverance is outstanding. Not that you'd be "worth" any less if you had not. I'm kinda inspired tho. 🙂
I hope you have a good day. :)
@AmalieAnne
Anyway, I'm sorry. And I did long for a place and a person I felt I belonged with. In my case it was God. And myself.
I know you've lived a few places. I do not know what that is like.
At any rate, hope you are on to other moods now even if only momentarily.
@rozie Hope is not something I have any more and dont think many on here have an easy relationship with.
Been struggling a long time and still not seeing a way out of this that doesnt involve inflicting alot more pain on people I care about.
Not being honest with therapist isnt helping and im failing to see the point of talking to them anymore. She said yesterday every pin she helps remove from the wings Iv pinned back are being forcibly hammered back by me, and more added.
It is hard to be kind to myself when i cant even tell im being unkind- not eating the right things when i do eat, drinking now to help sleep, walking miles to wear myself out and not fighting sh urges as much.
I made a doctor today cry because she didnt know why id been away from work at the hospital and when i told her she broke down. I cant be responsible for others pain anymore but i cant make it worse. I really dont know what to do.
Hope is something only others have.
I wish everyone on here peace.
@inventiveOrange1
thank you for sharing this
@inventiveOrange1 agree many here may not have an easy relationship with hope. The longer the struggle often the harder it is to maintain any hope and i'm sorry that's its like this for you. Just want to say take my hand and hold on.
And the pain,know that its not easy for those close to be witness to your pain, that you don't want to inflict any more on them, and with the doctor"s response too... saying I feel for you, your hurt , your pain... will walk with you.Can you see its their human response to another who is hurting.Some can walk with you, others may not be able to, but you are not responsible for their response.
Most of all know we are here with you.
@rozie Not feeling hope, and feeling despair in its place is a big loud warning bell for me. True hopelessness has been pervasive for a couple months now.
i have the desire to feel hope, but it is so terribly elusive...
Wishing others hopeful moments today.
@survivetoalive glad you have the desire to feel hope and hoping you get a wee glimpse of this... and yes moments of hope!
@survivetoalive "i have the desire to feel hope, but it is so terribly elusive..."
So very well put.
Today I feel especially terrible. I had a flashback happen at work and I left. I cried on the way home in the car and essentially fell asleep for an hour or something. I don't know. If sleep is what you want to call it?
I still feel awful.
@amicableNorth4690
so sorry for your rough time at work, etc.
Strong bursts of emotions can wear anyone out. If you were sleeping, well that happens and if you were ruminating, etc that happens too. Either way it's ok.
Hope you are feeling better soon.
@themainjane
Thanks. I guess I feel better now. It's hard to say. I didn't sleep well last night due to some persistent memories.
@amicableNorth4690
I'm sorry. That must've been very unpleasant. Forgive me for not knowing what to say. But talking is good because the person who can help might find you that way.
@amicableNorth4690
I hate it when people say, "that must've been unpleasant for you? How did that make you feel?"
What I mean to say is that I know all experiences are not universal and I do not know your struggles but I am glad for your efforts to reach out even though you are struggling. I do not wish to disrespect you by pretending to know your experience.
Glad you are here.
It's just after 9pm and I'm still at work. Today's been awful.
@BeeLeigh
Long day. ❤
@themainjane
The longest 😞
@BeeLeigh
What happened?
@themainjane
vacation's looking good 😎
@themainjane
There is a very real possibility that I will lose my Medicaid, and if I lose my Medicaid...I can't afford my therapist...and I was supposed to see her today but she had to reschedule cuz she had to go to court for one of her other clients and I'm just...I feel like everything is falling apart and there's nothing I can do to stop it and idk what to do cuz she's all I have here. Work sucked today and this is all just too much and I've spent so much of today crying because this is just...I can't do it. I can't lose her. I can't. I need her 😢😔
@BeeLeigh
maybe that won't have to happen. I know what you mean tho. For the first time in my life in a long time I feel like I've got people by my side that can help me to help myself. I wouldn't won't to lose my counselor but even if I did I hope that I would continue what I've started. And Bee, you can to if it comes to it. Let's just wait and see and if so there is always a Plan B.
Sorry it was such a long and cruddy day. <3
