Traumatic Experiences Community Daily Check-in Tuesday 28th August 2018

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@rozie i love those words by Desmond tutu and by piglet too both are so true ty for sharing them with us

@rozie

Thank you for those very well chosen thoughtful words yes, we really should celebrate our diversity, we are a community of different genders, sexualities, colours, ethnies, beliefs and opinions and that's a great chance for all of us to learn and grow. What I always loved about this community in particular was the love and respect for each other, the safe place created for shattered and frightened people who have been hurt all their lives. Tolerance and peaceful co-existence are very important values for me personally. I've experienced a lot of hate throughout my life and I never understood the concept of hate, I think it is sth I don't have in me and therefore I don't understand it. Feeling hate, anger, disrespect scares me, it hurts me deeply, it confuses me. Perhaps we can all remind ourselves that we are all trauma survivors, that we all have a history of pain and hurt. Perhaps we can find a way to go back to love and respect.

@rozie I read this article by Danny Silk and I think it really good, so I thought I would share. This is part 1. It is a whole series on confrontation. So if you are interested I can either share more or give you a link.

When we hear the word confrontation, a lot of us probably think of a scenario involving:

High levels of anxiety and tension

People communicating aggressively, passively, or passive-aggressively

Fight, flight, or freeze behaviors

Some kind of battle or power struggle

A winner and a loser

In other words, for many of us, confrontation equals conflict, and conflict (except for those personalities who seem not only to tolerate but even enjoy conflict) is uncomfortable, scary, and even painful. Typically, any resolution achieved through conflict-style confrontation is temporary.

When I use the term confrontation, however, I have a specific definition in mind. A confrontation is:

a respectful conversation between two powerful people . . .

that addresses a specific issue that is hurting connection . . .

for the purpose of achieving mutual understanding of the issue and building a plan to adjust to behavior to better meet the needs of the relationship . . .

which ultimately results in restoring and strengthening the relationship.

Lets look closer at these 4 things so we can understand what belongs in a successful confrontation.

1. A RESPECTFUL CONVERSATION BETWEEN TWO POWERFUL PEOPLE

Lets be real. When there is an issue to be confronted in a relationship, whether its with a spouse, a child, a coworker, or even a leader, there are most likely going to be some painful emotions involved. Classically, people are going to be experiencing some mix of hurt, scared, angry, and powerless.

Powerless people allow these painful emotions to drive them toward behavior that exacerbates the issue that is hurting the connection—disrespect, retaliation, isolation, etc. Powerful people, however, have self-control and emotional and relational intelligence. Instead of caving into the instinct to self-protect, they choose to protect the connection by demonstrating emotional honesty and vulnerability.

Every respectful conversation requires two powerful people on either side of the communication exchange. Whoever is speaking must be powerful in showing the other person the truth about how the issue is affecting them. The listener must be powerful in actively seeking to understand what the speaker is showing them. The moment one person tries to overpower the other or disappears, respect has vanished.

2. THAT ADDRESSES A SPECIFIC ISSUE

A relational issue is usually some kind of behavior or set of behaviors that are creating a painful experience for someone in the relationship. It could be anything from a certain personality or behavior style to something unhealthy and dysfunctional. Quite often (in fact, most of the time), there is no harmful intention on either side, so thats a helpful assumption for both people to bring to the conversation.

In healthy relationships, confrontation happens quickly following a painful experience, and stays focused on dealing the specific incident or behavior. In unhealthy relationships where issues go un-confronted or unresolved, there is a temptation for the speaker to bring up a whole history of past hurts when a confrontation (usually conflict-style) finally happens, which betrays that there are bigger problems in the relationship.

3. FOR THE PURPOSE OF UNDERSTANDING, ADJUSTING, AND MEETING NEEDS

At the most basic level, there are two pieces of information that need to be communicated and understood in a confrontation—the current experience that the problematic behavior is creating in the relationship, and the experience that needs to be created in order to restore safety and connection.

We are champions of the I message because it is so brilliant at helping people formulate these pieces of information when they are on the speaking end of a confrontation. Once again, the I message is:

I feel ____________________ (emotion)

when ____________________ (behavior) happens.

I need to feel _______________________ (emotion) in this relationship.

Notice that the I message requires the speaker to be vulnerable with their emotions, assertive in expressing their needs, and just as importantly, to refrain from telling the other person what they need to do to change! All of these send the message, I value you and I value this relationship—enough to crack my heart open, let you know what I need, and trust you to care about meeting that need.

If the other person is doing their job as the listener in this exchange, then they are postured to do two things. First, if they practice reflective listening, they can actually help the speaker clarify the message theyre sending while simultaneously showing that they understand that message. Second, with this understanding, they have the valuable information they need to create a strategy to adjust their behavior and meet the persons needs.

4. RESULTING IN A STRONGER RELATIONSHIP

A successful confrontation will restore and strengthen relationship in multiple ways.

Gaining increased understanding of one another helps to lower anxiety and build intimacy.

Discovering one anothers needs and growing in our ability to meet them heals pain, deepens connection and trust, and prevents disconnection in the future.

And experiencing one another make the powerful choice to push past the painful emotions and say, I choose you, I choose our relationship, and Im fighting for restoration is actually an incredible experience of sacrificial love that binds people together.

One of my dreams is to help people become powerful in creating relationships and relational cultures where successful confrontation is the norm! Yes, there are emotional and relational skills involved that we must learn. But they are all the skills we need to grow in being powerful people and building powerful relationships.

Its not just worth it for us to master successful confrontation—its essential!

@rozie

Hello, hope all is well with everyone

I'm so tired

I finally finished my college essay like who I am and I cried and cried and I'm still shaken up and it was a positive message too

It's just like there it is. There it all is . I feel like I've lived so long

We are suggested to read them out loud tmro in class. Idk if i want to read mine or not I cry every time I look at it

I know it's good and powerful I don't need them to tell me that

Idk

There's certain ppl I want to read it to like my mom but I can't or my friends but idk

I never feel like I am where I am.

I know I look like this beautiful girl which is everything I ever wanted to be and I look back at the pictures from like an hour ago and I cry more bc

That's me?

I never feel it in the moment

There's so many things I wish I could tell ppl not on 7cups

I wish I didn't have sleep apnea and actually feel like I can breathe when I sleep so I can wake up refreshed. I'm sick of cups of caffeine, soda, and energy (vitamin ) shots to get me motivated.

If could get up refresh, I would be way less overwhelmed when I have to do my mom and my chores and then help her with medical issues.

Please send prayers, vibes, and energy my way. Please

I wish everyone could just come together. I hate when people use their own beliefs or religion to degrade or bring others down. As if there isnt enough already bringing me down. People start seeing you as a problem instead of a person, they judge before they get to know you. When really we should embrace each other for our differences. Not pick apart each others lives.

And as Piglet, Winnie the Pooh's little friend says : "The things that make me different are the things that make ME."

How is your day going? What is something different about you that makes you ME, (as Piglet said) ?

what is different about me. . .

weird facts of me. . .

I love the smell of scotch tape, it reminds me of Christmas presents.

I love to make lists.

I get distracted very easily.

I constantly have at least 5 projects in my head at once.

I have 5 innocent blogs and 2 naughty ones.

I hate to clean.

Hello

hope all is well