Traumatic Experiences Community Daily Check-in: Tuesday October 2nd 2018
Hi Trauma Fam
Today we are going to look at another chunk of our boundaries topic.
After trauma boundaries can sometimes reverse because we have been taught to hold in the bad things. Usually to serve the abusers purposes of silencing, enabling them to act without guilt (in their minds) and locking us into an abusive cycle/relationship with them. So how do we begin to change this and work towards safety again?
The answer is fairly simple in concept, we need to learn to let the pain out and open ourselves up to receiving in good things again. Although it is a simple concept, in practice its probably one of the most difficult things for a trauma survivor to learn.
Often we wall of our hearts in attempt to keep us safe, but actually we arent really safe. Inside those walls are all the trauma memories and feelings that can at times feel haunting. If we use visualisation, imagine you have installed a gate in the wall. You can choose what type of gate feels right for you! You have the keys, you have the rule book for what comes in and out. You have control of your inner experience. You can choose what is yours and what is not. Letting support in from the outside can help us heal, but shutting it out means that we remain stuck in our inner experience and pain. Unfortunately we can also get to a place of feeling ‘comfortable with the situation because it has become the familiar experience and something new feels far scarier than the pain we know. It can also lead to vulnerability, allowing others to dump more pain on us because that is what we have become accustomed to.
So today I have 2 questions for you:
What pain do you need to get out so that it does not continue to hurt you on the inside?
What good things would you like to be able to receive?
If you arent able to answer these today or you just want to come say hi and grab a cookie that is ok too 
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@LifeIsMyCanvas
Hi, I'd just like to say hi today 👋
@humorousBeing8966
Hey! Would you like a cookie?
@LifeIsMyCanvas
Hi Canvas :)
Could I? That would be awesome ^^
@humorousBeing8966
yeaaahhhh
@LifeIsMyCanvas
Hehehe this gave me the giggles...and it's so high resolution too 
Hello:
This is an extraordinary topic one that I wish someone would have helped me through while I was younger. Not having support and no one to tell has caused me to hold that trauma till I am old and still wrestle with. Constant sexual abuse from childhood into adulthood. Only now that they are both dead do I feel released to tell. I wanted them to tell me why and tell me they were sorry. Even on their death bed, they would not that really hurts because it feels like no closure.
Sexual abuse, Verbal abuse, and Physical abuse is still held in my body. I was robbed of a childhood and self-esteem Always feeling I am not good enough or that I am broken and can't be fixed.
I want me back who ever she was
@scarletPear1945
I think this is a topic we all need, even those without a traumatic history aren't taught much about boundaries but at least they might have had a better chance of having some good examples!!!
I can relate to the needing the reasons why and appologising. It's a strong desire for validation isn't it? I personally had to get to a place of accepting that the people I was needing it from might not be capable or willing to give it to me. I say that because holding onto the desire for me kept me locked in the negative relationship with them in my mind and my sense of identity and added to me holding in the pain for longer. It's a kinda of mental stalemate. The need is always valid, and in an ideal world they would not have done it in the first place, or at least be able to validate you.
Perhaps you could hear me say it to you? as a step to healing?
I am sorry for all of the pain little pearl experienced as a child, and for all the adults that should have protected you. As an adult now myself, I'm deeply sorry for the emotional pain they caused your growing heart and for the physical and sexual abuse they did to your tiny body. I'm sorry that they didn't teach you how to protect yourself as an adult and for the memories they have left in your mind and body. I want you to know that you are precious and priceless, and I hope one day you will understand your worth as a rare and beautiful pearl unlike any other that this world has or will ever see.
No one can give you back who you were, but I really hope with the love of your trauma fam you can learn to accept and love who you are now and let go of some of the painful things that are holding you in the past
@LifeIsMyCanvas
Hi Canvas, I hope you are doing okay this evening.
I have such a hard time with support. For a long time I didn't have any support. I deemed all people unsafe and locked everything deep inside. I held the keys to a fortress built to protect me. Earning my trust is hard. I am slowly trying to trust. Trying to let people see varying degrees of what is hidden behind the fortress. I can at least count a couple of people in the category of safe. Not perfect or infallible (it's very important to remember this). People, actual humans, that I don't feel require the mask. This is new and incredibly scary for me.
What pain do you need to get out so that it does not continue to hurt you on the inside?
There is so much pain. It's piercing and deep and overwhelming just to think about. I am hurting so much right now, with the things that I've said and so many things that I haven't. I've watched hopes and dreams crumble and shatter before my eyes. I watch the person I want to be slip further and further away every day.
What good things would you like to be able to receive?
I wish I could receive care and love. I'm not saying that people haven't offered it. I am unable to view myself worthy of it. I would like to be able to receive compliments and hugs and all the things that make people feel good about themselves and valuable. It's hard to receive any of these things when the fortress is build 10 ft around you.
Today I am feeling angry, overwhelmed, frighted and ashamed. I had to use a feelings chart to get that much. There is so much more to it, but I don't know the words.
@practicalIdeal2007
Hey ideal, it's good to see you today 
Sounds like you've taken a big step in starting to let a few people in, you are really brave! It's totally ok to ask people to work hard to earn your trust, you are worth working hard for! Remebering no one is perfect or infailble is very healthy and you are so right that we are all humans and can make a few mistakes.
Inner experience can be extremly overwhelming and thinking about it all at once is way too much to process. How to you feel about visulisation techniques? I have a little visualisation I do where I put strong feelings into jars so I can process them without being overwhelmed as much. I find them super helpful but I wanted to ask you before sharing anymore as it's only helpful if it helps you? I see that you recognise some of your feelings, that's an amazing step! It's frustrating to not understand all of it but maybe a little at a time might be more manageable for you to process? As you explore, I'm sure some if the words will come to you as you get to know yourself again.
Regarding the person you want to be slipping away, sometimes it can feel like that as we begin to process things. We start to realise how much work we need to do and can sometimes forget how far we have already come! Accepting where we are can help us come to terms with the current reality of what has happened to us and give us the boost of hope needed to keep on the healing journey. If we keep taking little steps one day we will have made it!
I was thinking about the the compliments, hugs and little things... how about imagining a little window hutch in your fortress... so people can leave a little love and care there for you in like a holding spot until you are ready to pick it up? I like to write notes in my journal to remember little things people said or did for me, when i'm down just reading them can help it soak in a little. Just a thought! If these don't work for you we can help you find something that feels like you'
@LifeIsMyCanvas
I've never heard of visualization techniques. I'm at work right now, but I can look it up when I get home. I am interested to know more though. My way hasn't worked so I'm open to new ideas. I'll have to think about the rest.
I usually read the whole thread but today I'm just tired. I need to get serious about my progress in school but I'm not doing so well mentally, physically and emotionally. I just wish time would stop, but all it ever does is run. And end.
@loyalDrum2337
It really would be cool to press the stop button or rewind! In reality we can't, you are right that time keeps running.
When I was studying many moons ago I found doing some self care really helped my mental state and got rid of some of the mental block. Sometimes we need to reward ourselves too. Like if I did an hour of study I let myself walk around the block or make my favourite tea or doodle for 10 mins in my sketch pad. It can help relax you to study and motivate you to keep going. What have you tired? What works for you?
@LifeIsMyCanvas Yes,to pause would be nice.
Those are great tips, thank you for sharing. My teacher also told me to get up every few hours(I'm in an online school) when I told him I lose my focus throughout the day & during courses. I don't go out but I've tried sitting on the stairs at my door. I like taking a breath of fresh cold air. I do love tea as well, as I could use some warming every once in awhile. I will try to drink a cup every day when I get some. And art. A huge part of my life but I haven't done any for months because of the way I've been feeling. I'd love to doodle but sometimes the things I come up with end up making me feel worse when I see them, and I don't have time for bigger things like a scene, natural setting, or detailed person. I think music helps but sometimes I don't have access to it (like the internet or device). Plus in the end, my thoughts take over so it's hard to ever do anything, but I'm really trying to get them out or improve them. I just go back to it without noticing until it's been at least an hour. Sorry I wrote so much, but thank you for listening. Take care <3
What are some good ways that I can sleep longer each night? I am already staying up until 11:30pm like my sleep doctor said to do and he gave up on me today and said he has no more ideas. I am only sleeping like 4 hours a night and so tired and feel that I shouldn't be driving on the road in these situations but need to go do more daily things.
@Havingfuninthesnow
I don't sleep much either. Is there anything in paticular keeping you awake? (you don't have to answer that).
I've found that calming music, mindfulness and a cup of hot coco or tea helps me sleep sometimes. I also have a weighted blanket and a teddy bear that help me to feel more secure.
I hope that you are able to find some ways to get more sleep.
@Havingfuninthesnow
What are some good ways that I can sleep longer each night? I am already staying up until 11:30pm like my sleep doctor said to do and he gave up on me today and said he has no more ideas. I am only sleeping like 4 hours a night and so tired and feel that I shouldn't be driving on the road in these situations but need to go do more daily things
Hey there, a sleep routine is really important, going to bed at a consitant time can definately help get your body used to when it should be asleep. Sorry that your doctor said he gave up on you, is there someone else you could talk to instead?
I often wake from pain or night terrors in the night also, here are things that I have tried:
- my doctor gave me medication to make me drowsy, maybe chat to yours and see what your doctor suggests is right for you.
- white noise is supper helpful, it's something to focus on other than the pain and def helps me sleep.
- if i am awake more than 30mins I get up and do something then I start my sleep routine again and go backto bed.
- grounding techniques like breathing really help, when I'm in pain I feel my body feels tense and breathing exercises helps to relax my muscles.
They are just a few ideas, I hope you find something that works for you.
@LifeIsMyCanvas
Thanks for all of those ideas - yes I have tried all of them and just so tired.
Hey everyone hope all is well
Today wasn't a particularly bad day at all but I am thinking of a lot
I'm worried for my mom like usual
Trying to plan what's going to happen for us these next month's with the seperation and prepare
I had the support of a really kind person tho she went thro the same stuff
Just now I was thinking about the time I was told my my friend killed hrrself when she did not and thst whole night was terrifying
Then I was thinking about our dog and how he was mistreated and how much he impacted me and I still feel so much shame for not stopping it
Then in health class it's all about having babies which I am use to of course hearing and talking about fine. It's been years so I'm not happy but not the same sad that I can't give birth.
But what really got me was we still don't know the specific cause for the medical condition I have that prevents me from having kids
And then I worried of course about all these possibilities and was I sexually assaulted even before I remember being, and I just don't remember it?
It's hard bc I feel like at one point I was normal. I know if this is just how my body grew its not my fault and if it's effect of the trauma definitely not my fault
But it's hard never really knowing why I'm just, messed up.
I still get cramps tho and they are horrible
Idk. I just feel like everything is always temporary like I'm afraid my mom will get hurt by my father or one of them will leave or hurt eachother or ill mess up or she will get sick again
Or my sister's and me will get hurt
And my friends you never know, I thought she died. Sometimes they turn out to be manipulative narcissists, sometimes they just don't like you as much anymore or they have to leave
A lot of my outside family is gone so
Or my friends are in dangerous situations as they are a lot
And romantic anything,psh of course that's temporary which I think is for the better but it's so worrisome
The land is always going around here, our homes the environment the beauty the peace
You trust people then they violate you
We have some money and health care now but what about tomorrow
I know this is all very pessimistic and I don't necessarily always believe it but it's always there
@wittySpruce8187
It sounds like you are having a lot of thoughts about things that you don't feel in control of or things that you think that you should have done or feel ashamed of not doing etc...
I guess my question is, why do you think these things are coming up for you? Is there an underlying belief behind them? If you can identify it perhaps you can start to resolve some of the fears you are experiencing and view life in a different way that serves you better?
I found thought drop journilling really helpful, it's basically what you have done in your post, but at the end of the day you go back and write a response to yourself. I like to think about what belief I have about myself, what does my brain get out of holding on to it and is that something that is really helping or should I work on changing it?
Hope you find something that helps you to feel better, you are welcome to keep writing things out here to us
@LifeIsMyCanvas
thank you 💜
@LifeIsMyCanvas i have hold on feelings of BETRAYAL, ANGER, HUMILIATION, SHAME for 5 weeks now. I really really want these dark and cold feelings to go.
@braveTree195
Hey brave, nice to meet you I'm Canvas!
Betrayal, anger, humiliation and shame are big overwhelming feelings to experience. It sounds like something happened to you 5 weeks ago that caused a lot of hurt and that has lead to these feelings. What do you think would help you let go of them? Would you like to share some more with us?
Whew this topic is a toughy. I dont think i can talk about it, i just wanna say hi. Hope youre all doing okay.
@Npepsicola
Hey pepsi, it is a big topic! Glad to see you though, and I hope that you are doing ok too. If you want to come back later and think on it, just tag me and we can talk about it when you are ready but only if/when you want to. No pressure.
