Traumatic experiences Daily Check In for Sunday April 7th

heres the link https://trailstowellness.org/resources/psychoeducation-trauma

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@krispykitty12

Hi Brooke

I am today listening to Vegan songs by this Youtuber from Australia named Vegan Smythe and enjoying them (Especially the song "Where Do You Get Your Protein").

But also I'm feeling sad because of how I have been fired from ski lodges and camps for being vegan. The cook hated me and petitioned for me to be thrown out and be homeless. Just because I wouldn't eat meat. I think its strange how someone could be so obsessed with eating meat that they were willing for me to be homeless and even potentially die out there, as a punishment for being a vegan.

I guess when you tell people, "I'm not going to die from being vegan" after they say "If you're vegan, you're gonna die" then they get mad enough to try to kill you. That is how my family was too about my veganism except they actually did violent things like rape and stabbing me and choking me instead of the more subtle way of killing some one through hypothermia brought on by homelessness. They would come up with all kinds of reasons to torture me and one of the reasons was "because you are a vegan."

But anyway I'm still alive, still vegan, still enjoying the vegan songs :) anyway it works out well to help me cope with the fact that I had to get my blood drunk by my family (they didn't just rape me, they also drank the blood coming out of my body when I was stabbed or bleeding from the rapes). So i really enjoy eating plants and mushrooms because they do not bleed. I try to explain that if the other people being mad at me had their blood eaten by cannibals when they were a kid and an adult, they too might really enjoy being vegan but they're just like "no there are no such thing as cannibals". But people have been saying that to me my entire life.

When I was an adult I actualy heard them saying they worshipped Satan and the blood drinking was a part of a ritual...so then once I managed to escape I found out about Satanic Ritual Abuse and then I realized that I am not the only living survivor of cannibals (like I had thought as a child) and that this is a thing that other people do to children and I felt less alone. It was good to be able to look into the eyes of another woman who survived this and was telling her story to see there is another person out there, and then I found a National Geographic article about a lady who was trapped by cannibalistic rapist terrorists in the Congo but she managed to escape after being raped by giving her arm for them to eat and she rescued her baby and they left and both her and the baby survived. So I was glad to see she is alive too. I kinda feel similar to the Falun Gong practioners because they put them in prison and then take away their organs (forced organ donation) while they are alive. But they don't eat them, they give them to other Chinese people needing organs who are hating and wanting to kill these philosophers.

I didn't hear about any of these people who survived cannibalism being vegan but I did meet a girl at a vegan restaurant who became vegan as a way to escape her violent family who human trafficked her in Thailand when she was a kid; she said they stabbed her feet. She didn't mention Satanic Ritual Abuse or cannibalism but I think anytime someone stabs you, some people question their lives and want to know how to reduce the amount of violence they are responsible for. So being a vegan as a way to reduce the bloodshed that you personally are responsible for makes a lot of sense to me and them. I wonder how many vegans have been stabbed by people?

But I wish people wouldn't be so set on changing me to match themselves. They're always saying "Well you should go to counseling so you can be a meat eater just like me." and I'm like "uh - that's not the point of counseling for me to be just like you. I would rather show my compassion for animals and the environment by not eating them." And they're like "Eating vegan is a psychological problem, especially if you are doing it because of cannibals" and then I'm like "Actually I just have a healthy diet balanced with legumes, starch, fruit and vegetables. I feel full of energy. But yes. Anytime you or I eat, it is psychological as well as physical. You eat based on your worldviews." And they're like "see I told you so! It's psychological!" At which point I'm like "ok goodbye, I'm off to eat my spinach" :) which has over 50% protein by the way. Super nutrient dense. Love the stuff. :) <3 thank you Popeye :) for inspiring me...it actually has more protein than beef (which is about 40%)

so yeah thinking of all the times I get fired for simply being me can make me feel depressed and not want to apply for jobs and expect to be fired again...any tips on how to stay positive and how to not get fired (but still be vegan)?

I looked at the link and I liked the stuff there. I think I may use the third article to bring to class - because a guy was screaming at me in the classroom and I was expecting violence but it never escalated that far so maybe I could bring it to my professor? I have already told the dean and talked with the professor but maybe the handout will help too. still dealing with feelings of worthlessness like in the first handout at times but they are not as strong as they used to be, they used to be so strong that I kept making suicide attempts (and my family was like yes please kill yourself because we are very upset that all of the times we raped and stabbed you, you didnot die) so that made me feel worse and try harder to kill myself. but fortunately I failed :) yay still alive.

But now I feel guilty that I was so mean to myself and I kind of get down on myself and call myself a murderer sometimes (an attempted murderer of me)...I know I did it in response to my family...but I wish I would not have been so violent to myself. I was great with animals and children but terrible to myself. Also my self harm could have contributed to the miscarriages of fetuses in my body who they ate :( and its hard on me to hear the prochoice people on campus getting in my face saying "killing fetuses is not murder" I'm like "yes it is murder, my family murdered and ate unborn children"

but it's partly my own fault because of the self harm I did and the suicide attempts I did which caused the fetuses to die. Those babies were actual people they killed and ate that I could not save from being completely cannibalized and dead. So I'm sad that I could not save them. And I want to be clear, they were in my body in the first place because of me being violently raped. And I really really really did not want them in my body at all ever. BUT that doesn't mean it's ok for me or anyone to kill them. If I had a choice, I wanted to give birth to them and then drop them off at an orphanage so they could live. But I did not have a choice because I was a prisoner and very mentally ill and not ever aware when I was pregnant. Because if you're bleeding all the time every single day, how can you know if you are menstruating or just hemmorhaging from the rapes? lots of bleeding from internal organ damage was going on every day and night.

now I have permanant nerve damage but at least the muscles and tissues have healed - well its scar tissue so it's not stretchy at all but I'm not in as much pain anymore. I won't be able to have sex or exams without tearing apart the scar tissues which will cause pain and bleeding or get pregnant without bloody miscarriages (due to my internal parts being rather mishapen and mutilated.)

Anyway I'm glad I can walk and also dance because those both used to hurt my nerves a lot. I love dancing :)

I hope to get another environmental job which involves planting trees because I found out that many people with miscarriages plant trees in the honor of the babies. I think I might enjoy that. I love trees. Timou from Once On This Island (the musical) died and became a tree... so it's a good way to memorialize someone. Also it happened in David the Knome. :) the cartoon :) yay I love that cartoon.

Ok cant think of anything else to say - take care :)

*virtual hugs*

@krispykitty12

Oh yeah I had a question

So if you see a trigger like a child is crying in public and then you imagine "Oh no, someone must be threatening that child to take the child into the bathroom or the closet to rape the child." And then you search the bathrooms and closets to see if adults are raping a child in there (because this happened to you when you were a child). What is that phenomenon called? Like if you realize that it might not be true at the time it is happening, but you feel scared anyway and you feel compelled to check the places where a person can abuse a child, places similar to where you were abused. You don't actually see the child, because the child has already left, and you acknowledge to yourself, "I do not see the child," but you are feeling tense so you are searching for the child anyway even though the rational part of your brain is telling you that there is no one abusing a child in a closet. But the scared irrational part of your brain is telling you that there could be someone abusing a child in a closet if you just keep looking. And eventually the rational part of your brain wins and you leave.

Also what do I tell the people around me to do to support me when I'm going through something like this?

@krispykitty12

oh and just so you don't worry I havent beenin contact with my family since Feb of 2014 and the last time I tried to commit suicide or do self harm was probably 2012...so I'm definitely on the road to healing :) I just can't afford a therapist because of how hard I struggle to get and keep a job (currently in college living on student loans) but I'm getting help from career services :) and using whatver free resources I can. the amount that the school is allowed to give me to live on after tuition only covers basics like room and board, there is not enough for any medical expenses and i have no health insurance with the school...so yeah gotta keep trying to get a job. hey if a girl in the Congo can escape cannibals with her baby and get interviewd by National Geographic I should be able to get a job :) also wouldn't mind working for NatGeo :) they have a lot of cool environmental content they produce :)

Hi.

Pain inside right now. Its ok. Remember Some of the times in the past and how badly I wanted to die. Im not there right now but does sought in memory of those times and how difficult they were is difficult right now and it hurts a lot kind of.