Acknowledging I experienced domestic abuse, which I tend to downplay, because the child abuse I suffered seems worse but also less like my fault.

For some reason I find it hard to face, even within my own mind let alone to other people, that I was in a relationship where there was domestic abuse. I always find myself minimizing it. I guess experiencing so much domestic violence in the home as a child made me less able to see that it wasn't a normal part of love, and I tended to just forgive it and try to forget the incident as soon as possible since everyone has flaws and in many ways it was so much better than the environment I'd grown up in.

So many people were aware of, and even wittnessed it, and yet they either did nothing, encouraged me to stay in the relationship, or even in one case actively prevented me from leaving (when I was trying to leave the situation temporarily in order to re-group).

Another reason that makes it hard to talk about, it the amount of stigma surrounding it. Almost any time I've mentioned it people judge both he and I so harshly. Whereas I can't help but give him credit for all the things he did to help me, and for the fact he had a severe mental illness and he did do everything he could to try and access help, including at one point having himself committed into a psych ward. And people judge me for not standing up to him and leaving sooner, in some cases because they were able to do so, when in fact I did stand up to him plenty of times.

Some of the reasons why I couldn't leave were: partly because I was in love with him for many years for starters; I believed in the false myth of life-long romantic love that we learn from society; also because I had a total lack of confidence in my ability to do anything on my own; because he threatened to kill himself if I left him;I didn't know things could be any better; I didn't think anyone else would ever be interested in me and I was desperate to be with someone; plus as you all know change can be pretty damn scary.

And because of how people treated me, when I did want to leave I felt I had no one I could turn to in order to help me leave who wouldn't judge me for having stayed in the relationship as long as I did. Not did I want to have to tell them intimate details of my personal life, which in the end I had to do, and it was humiliating plus of course people gossiped about it and it got around to people I really didn't want to know about it - thus forcing me to lie about it to avoid having to talk about it again.

The fact I wanted and needed to remain in contact with him for financial reasons, wasn't something I even dared to tell anyone because I knew the stigma that would come with not cutting off all ties the way people think you should after a relationship like that broke down.

As for all the people who judge me for how I handled my relationship and for staying in it so long: they all knew I was in an abusive relationship and yet they never offered me their friendship or barely even spoke to me. They never offered to help me or even expressed any sympathy. All the did was gossip behind closed doors. And after I left, which they all now say they think is a good thing, I was left without social support because they still all sided with him, because of course I refused to talk bad about him behind his back, and because they were friends with him first before they met me.

People who have no mental health problems always say you can reach out to them anytime, but they don't seem to understand that having mental health problems means that's often exactly what you aren't able to do. Surely it should be on them to try and reach out to people, since it's not as hard for them to do so?

In some ways, for years it felt like I would have been better off if I hadn't left him at all. I became very socially isolated, and the first attempts I had at therapy for childhood trauma ended up being full of more stigma. (Similarly the first time I reached out for help from a doctor after a sexual assault I was slut shammed based on what I was wearing - a skirt that went down to my ankles. Victims are always stigmatized. And was told repeatedly that not reporting it to the police meant I was personally responsible for every crime he committed after that one.)

Now time has pasted and in many ways I am in a better position, I am safer, and accessing better support services. I am trying to learn how to make friends, since I never got to have any real ones of my own before, and I am trying to work out how to built a new and better life for myself. Honestly I don't really know how. I really just want to be able to do something good and useful with my life, but I'm always afraid. The things I've suffered in my life still greatly affect me now. I have C-PTSD. I find it's easier for me to just disassociate, absorb myself in stories from Netflix or novels, take drugs and ignore my real life. It worked for me for a long time. It helped me to survive some awful times in my life. But the question I am asking myself now is: how do I move on? However do I create a more fullfilling and meaningful life for myself?