Can my abuser change ?
Hey everyone I'm new here and I'm reaching out for help we'll advice I am trying build a relationship again with my abuser we've got 2 babies together a 19 month old and a 2 month old when we first met he was the most sweetest thoughtful kindest loving caring man I've ever met but after being together almost a year more angry/ violent about 10 months ago when we found out I was pregnant with the second baby that's when the abuse really started it started to be once a month to once a day and I had to escape with my firstborn it's been about 6 months since we've separated but we've been talking for a month and we've been talking about trying again and I want to for our babies but Im feeling like I'm making a mistake
Do you trust him? If he's good at lying and does it a lot then it makes it difficult to have any kind of meaningful conversation with him. If you do trust him, then you should ask him directly what steps he has taken to change his behaviour and attitude. The answer should be convincing and reassuring so you should be able to gauge for yourself if it is showing good effort or not enough. If nothing changed then likely he's still the same person as 6 months ago, but honestly I'm worried that 6 months isn't long enough to make any meaningful changes last. Likely he will still have the tendencies and urges and violent demeanor when he is around you. Even if he did try to change the old habits will still be there, trying to pull him back. There's also the problem of how you feel about being treated the way you were. It's likely that things won't feel the same way as they used to, as if at any moment he could hurt you and your babies. I wonder has he ever before apologised sincerely for what he's done and shown remorse for his actions? If you did want to give him a chance after everything he's done, firstly I suggest changing something about your communication with each other and also he should agree to go to couple's counselling with you. Lay it all on the table, because you will both need to work very hard to make it work.
Thank you so much to be honest I don’t feel like I can trust him I’m still scared of him he still is angry with me for escaping from him he raises his voice at me and calls me names in front of our babies I keep telling myself that we will get past this because he’s still hurt and angry with me he has a mental disorder paranoid schizophrenic and he is sick I’ve tried to be supportive and beg him to get therapy for his anger he’s taking anger pills but it doesn’t seem to be working much I’m really am trying to be more patient and understanding and truly am going the extra mile here to help but I really don’t think it’s enough for him he’s also a daily user too so that doesn’t help either after me-typing all this I’m gonna have to end the relationship
I’m willing to do all that I can to help him do whatever I can to have us as a family he’s is so alone he has no one he’s pushed them out of his life because of his rage and anger nobody doesn’t want to be around that
Both you and the lives of your children deserve better. I understand you have a lot of love and care and patience in your heart but it sounds like he is totally beyond your help. He needs professional help.
@sincereAcres1857
If you can't form a harmonious, loving couple, it won't be good for your children either.
If he can't be a loving, caring husband, he will be an awful father.
So think just in terms of the couple, forget about the kids (to make the best decision for them).
If the answer is yes, we can build a loving couple, he could become a good husband, one possibility is to condition getting closer to agreeing in advance to doing couple therapy, and that he does therapy for himself, at least for a couple of years.
I wish you all the best,
Marcelo.