Can you ever get fully over it?
Honestly now. What do those people mean, "stay positive, everything will be alright"? Has any of them experienced a childhood full of abuse and stayed positive and then everything became alright? I mean, sorry if I'm being a downer, but I'd rather have a realistic conversation. It's been more than a decade since I finally got to move out and start my own life, and I've had some good times, I've had quite a lot of happy moments, and considering my starting point I've gotten rather far. But I've also gotten myself into more abusive relationships and situations, I've had huge setbacks, and I'm still struggling with all kinds of mental and physical health problems and social issues. I feel like my life lacks a solid foundation.
So, any of you who have - or know of anyone who has - experienced long-term abuse from a young age and then become physically and mentally healthy and happy, with a good support network and healthy relationships? I'm not looking for encouraging words, I'm looking for facts and actual experiences. I've pretty much accepted that I'll always be struggling to some degree and am living for the good moments.
@hereigoagain
@hereigoagain
Your words about lacking a solid foundation resonate with me. There's no doubt that abuse experienced in childhood sticks with you, in that it forms something at your core - maybe a distrust, maybe a fear or wariness.
But yes, in answer to your question, I feel I've largely overcome a pretty rocky start in life. Maybe it wasn't as bad as some people experience, I don't know. I just know it left me carrying a lack of self esteem for years, and a huge amount of shame. I felt the world saw one face of me, the one I projected at huge strain to myself. But beneath that exterior I was a mess of doubt, fear, anger and guilt.
But I started to question those inner feelings, to ask why I shouldn't be more like the person I wanted to be, the me I projected. And over time those two parts of me have merged. I've been fortunate to have good friends, lifelong friends who are aware of where I came from. I have a loving and trusting relationship. But more than anything I recognise I'm not a bad person, that the inner child in me needs nurturing, not condemnation. I won't allow my past to ruin my future.
I hope you
Sorry, I'm proving myself pretty useless at this aren't I!
I hope your good moments in life join up a bit more, and you can learn to trust not just others, but also yourself.
Best wishes to you dear friend.
@BestIcanbe
Thank you for your triple reply ;) Seems like our experiences have lead to rather different long-term effects, but I would like to hear a variety of stories, so that's nice. Me, I've never really pretended to be someone I'm not, I've never felt guilty about things other people did to me, and I find it quite easy to trust (which is probably weird). I've overcome a lot of anger. Sense of self-worth has been a major issue, though, and I feel much more prone to stress, anxiety, depression, general emotional instability... And as far as I know, it's scientifially documented that people with traumatic experiences during their early childhood years are more prone to those and other things. So again, I think a more realistic approach than "just be positive, everything will be alright" would be helpful.
You say you've mostly overcome your issues and merged the person you are with the person you want to be. Can you identify some of how you managed to do that?
@hereigoagain
I'll try and do this in just one message 😉
Tough question though! Unlike you, I have carried a lot of shame and guilt growing up, but I didn't recognise that for a long time. I just accepted I was faulty somehow, a bad person, unloveable. But I've always had great friends, and I guess I realised, if they could love me I couldn't be all bad. Then I met my partner, and again found love and acceptance there.
I don't doubt I've had some lucky breaks too. As well as being raised to believe I didn't matter, I was raised to believe work did. So I've always stuck at things until I achieved them, for fear of being more of a failure maybe. But it led to a job which I was good at, cared about, and where I could climb the ladder. Again, if colleagues are listening to me and respecting me, how can I be all bad?
And then eighteen months ago I pulled all those mixed feelings out with a great counsellor, got to the root of what had gone on in my life, and some deeply repressed memories, came close to finding a permanent escape....didn't! Found God, sort of, though I still question my faith. And then realised I wanted to live, I deserved to live, and actually I'm an okay person. I'll do!
So in summary, what's that? Good friends, stubbornness, love, support (both professional and informal), faith, and a gradual shedding of my guilt and shame. A realisation I'm not responsible for what was done to me as a child. And an ability to like the person I am now.
And a good dollop of luck I suppose, in that mentally I somehow managed to rise above most things, to bury a lot of emotions when they were too painful to deal with, and to deal with them at a time I was surrounded by people who love me.
I know a lot of people don't find that stability, but I also know they deserve it, you deserve it. I know that you're as good as the next person, and that you didn't deserve whatever abuse you had to endure as a child. And I know that if you're brave enough to seek help and support, there are lots of resources out there. At least, there are in much of Europe....I'm not sure if that's your part of the world? And guess what? 7 cups helped me enormously! Just to have someone to listen to me churning over the same old angst, and giving me time to reach my own conclusions. I'm now in charge of my future, and not ruled by my past anymore. I hope you can move further towards that point too.
I am still not over it
It can be hard to get over it.
I understand.
It is hard to get over it
It is hard to get over it, and I feel I should add a postscript to what I wrote previously. I've hit a bit of a low point again, so it's definitely a rollercoaster. The road to recovery isn't a straight one!
But for me it's trying to hold on to those things you were learning to accept. So although life feels pretty hollow right now, I know I've felt better about myself, so logically I can do so again. What I would underline, if you're struggling with that to and fro of emotion, is not to focus solely on the negative. Remember the good times, the times you felt accepted and acceptable, loved and loveable, liked and likeable.
If you felt them once, surely you'll feel them again. If you believe without doubt that your life sucks, because it always comes back to that low point, why not believe that it can be good too, because you have to have left a higher point to reach a lower point.
Hey, I'm just gonna share a lil bit about my story. I grown up with an abusive mom, used to be hitted sense I have memory, really beaten, I uses to count the punches, I count around 30 one time, I was chocked, kicked, everything you can imagine. I escape from my house and was abuse sexually on the streets. I was stabbed by my mother and court never believed me because I looked like a problematic child when I was 15. Already grew up, get away from my mother and no, it do not gets better, it's like I'm always being beated, I'm still afraid of relationship in general and not because of the sexual abuse (in a way U have get over that) it is that I can still no develop confidence because all the struggle that I love for year with physical abuse. I still have nightmares and cry. Is hard for me concentrate, no self esteem and my mother was right when she said that no one will ever love me. So I think that is hard, it's always a struggle, there is no way to be socially comfortable again but there's a way to survive, I have a decent job, avoid drugs because I know it's really dangerous with me feeling this way, and I'm on my own, lonely but functional. So maybe at least it doesn't get worse. Pardon me if I have been a little negative but you request for a truth and this is mine. I really hope you all to get better.
@Rebecca503
I'm sorry to read what you've experienced. I have to disagree with your mother though. There's no reason why any of us should not be loved, traumatic past or no traumatic past. Don't write yourself off as unloveable. It sounds like your life has been hard enough without you doing yourself down as well. Take good care of you, be your own best friend, and see the good in yourself.
I love this picture you included in your last message! @BestIcanbe
I have to agree with you. I have read through this forum thread and the experiences that you all have gone through and the long term effects of them sounds incredibly difficult. But props to you all for still hanging in there! <3 It's not an easy life but it's people like you who inspire us all to continue and push through when bad things happen to us.
It may not ever go away, but maybe it won't get worse, as mentionned above. And maybe slowly you can work on it, and bit by bit you can heal. Healing is a process that can take many years, and that it okay. There is no time limit. But even the smallest achievement is a huge amount of progress! <3
And no matter what anyone tells you, always remember that you are worth it, you are valuable and you are loved in so many ways!
