Feeling guilty
Hi, I’ve never considered myself to put out my story on the internet but I’ve been struggling more recently because of a memory of past childhood trauma. It’s involved my brother who is way older than me and I quite honestly had forgotten about it since I was a little kid when it happened. It felt weird to grow up loving him as a normal brother and suddenly remember “hey he molested me when I was a kid “. I only started remembering when I hit puberty but I kind of always knew something wasn’t right when I would feel uncomfortable if he tried to play with or tickle me. The thing is, my parents found out he had made me touch him down there and did the same to me. They have always known since then and never even mentioned it to me. Whenever he did that they confronted him and even tho i was a little kid ( maybe around 5 or younger ) i clearly remember them screaming at him and him crying and they told him he could be going to jail. After that everything else is pretty blank in my childhood and i only know that my mom would always try to never leave me alone with him. Now that I’m 20 and he’s 30, it’s almost impossible not to look at him and remember what happened. It makes me feel guilty for even attempting to mention it because all of my siblings have a good relationship and I don’t wanna bring it up in fear that my parents might deny it and make me feel as if I invented it all. I feel terrible for saying that I don’t wanna ruing things or my brothers image of him because I know what he did wasn’t excusable but I feel guilty for even wanting to discuss it with my parents. It’s just so weird to be in a good relationship with him and him being the best brother but that is always in the back of my mind and it messes with me :(
@ratata21
I'm sorry to hear your brother took advantage of you at such a young and innocent age. You didn't deserve any of that.
Parents often don't know how to deal with such situations because they love both you and your brother. Sexual abuse/molesting is still considered a taboo topic in most families so that could be one of the reasons behind why your parents never openly admitted it to you or explained it.
Now that you're older, it's understandable that you may feel like you don't want to wreck the sibling bond or are scared that your parents might not take your side. Just remember the important thing is: you know it's true. You can focus on your healing. There are many kinds of treatment available for trauma. Sometimes, even just talking about it helps. Try and explore what options you have as that might give you an idea of what steps you're going to take.
And lastly, if being around your brother makes you uncomfortable, then try and distance yourself from him as much as possible. He may not realize it, but it hurts you and you don't deserve to constantly be reminded of what he did.
If you want to talk more about this, feel free to put out a general request or message a listener from the browse listeners page.
Take care ~ Sierra