I finally left, and idk how I feel.

I have so many mixed emotions. Im relieved and slightly happy that I no longer am under his control and can do what I want. Im depressed because we aren't together anymore. Im angry because of all the things he did that i now have to work through to get to a healthy mind set and have a healthy relationship at some point. Guilt, shame, and blaming myself because I stayed, because i knew he was abusing me(blocked out a lot of it then and still do) so a small part of me believes I deserved it. I go back and forth between, it really wasn't that bad because he didn't hit me...he has grabbed me before and blocked my exit when trying to get away(which is apparently a violent act?) And reality setting in and me realizing just how bad it was. Honestly, the thing I'm most angry about is the sexual coercion, which I just learned about. idk how to get through it or process any of my emotions and I feel like im dead inside. I hate him for it, but most of all I hate myself for still having feelings for him.