I'm not a monster

TW!!!!TW!!!!TW!!!!!

please be kind and try not to judge.

It's a long story as is pretty common. I'll try to shorten it up as best I can, but my life has taken a very harsh turn in recent years and I'm not the good natured, innocent soul that I use to be. My childhood wasn't horrible, but it had it's dark moments. Whenever my dad was out of work, he spent a lot of time at home being miserable. He has a good heart and he cares, but he was severely abused as a kid and couldn't control his anger very well. It was mostly my older sister that got the belt/paddle but as she got older she wasn't around as much and I was the next oldest being seven younger than her.... So I got the belt when she wasn't there. If I moved at all because it hurt, his words were "then I'll swing anywhere and everywhere on you until I decide to stop" vivid memories of him laughing and the belt hitting me all over my body, bruises forming all over me.... Maybe twice a month or more on average. Eventually he wasn't working anymore and stayed home full time....

I finally got old enough to start grabbing whatever he was hitting me with and ripping it from his hands, and that made things worse until I decided to turn on him at 12, ready to start swinging the belt his way.... He didn't want to punch me and knew he couldn't control it so he'd let me know that fact and that I had to be careful or he might kill me over it. I got older... Stronger, louder so I could compete with him and stand up for myself. He stopped hitting us for the most part after that. I spent most of my time in my room working out and meditating as a teenager so I felt I was able to get rid of the anger I held in from him. I kinda turned into a very quiet person, very empathetic and had extremely strong morels. Hopeless romantic, attentive, loving and not afraid to help anybody in need. Ended up falling for the mother of my first child at 22, he wasn't born for another 2 years tho. After a few months she had gotten rid of most of my friends, she started getting insecure after she gained weight and I was no longer allowed to talk to other girls... Couldn't watch movies if there were nudity scenes or would make sure I wasn't watching the screen of a pretty girl was on it showing some skin.....I never cheated on her by the way. She wouldn't let me leave the house if we were fighting and she would follow me into any room I ran away to. After a year like that I shoved her for the first time, I shoved her at the bed when she went to hit me in the face. I don't like getting hit... And she knew it. I immediately apologized and she was so shocked that the fight ended right there...I learned one way to stop the fighting.... After a few more months I was holding her down and screaming in her face...I tried to leave many many times before that but I was so far gone by then. Every time something like that happened I would grovel and beg her not to leave me, she got an excess of pampered treatment and extreme attentiveness...I would bathe her, and lotion her whole body, buy her nice things, leave work whenever she told me to (I went through several jobs that way)... You get the picture I think. Eventually the neighbors called the police, and I got in trouble. It happened twice before I was finally able to stop the physical abuse I would cause. ... I wouldn't give into the fighting anymore, I worked long exhausting hours to stay away from home. Now we had a baby and I made my mind up that I was going to stay forever to raise my perfect little boy. I refused to fight with her. Sometimes I gave in but I never put my hands on her again. She ended up cheating on me after 6 years and leaving after draining my bank accounts.

About 5 months later I was dating someone new finally, I told her from the start I had a history of being violent when I get backed into a corner so there was nothing to hide. I had one rule for myself, never hit her. If I ever did, I would break up and leave. I told her that. Guess what happened? I moved in at her request a couple hours drive from everything I knew...After a year, the mother of my child got into her head at some point and we were fighting nearly every day. She took my car keys, the plugs for the tvs, the batteries for the remotes, she took everything I had and would hide it, accused me of cheating every single day. I wasn't allowed to have female friends again. Finally kept me awake for 3 days straight while I worked 12 hour shifts.... And I snapped. I hit her in the thighs a few times each. Turned around and just left. Didn't have anywhere to go yet so I slept in my car for about a week. I still lived there and she didn't want me to leave....I waited for her to go to work and I went in and passed out on my bed. I woke up to her on top of me... Now she was taller than me and almost as strong...I tried to fight her off but I didn't want to hit her or hurt her at all... It's strange to think about it. I cried all night after that... After a couple more weeks of that, I was able to move out.

Another woman I knew as my friend ended up moving in with me a few months later. I told her about my past as well. I don't want to hide that... She cheated on me at a party the week she moved in. I kinda lost it then...I never put my hands on her actually. But I didn't take it very well anyways... I told her she could either leave, or let me go thru this but I warned her out was going to get bad. After a year, things had gotten better and we were pregnant and happy....we moved back closer to family for the support for the baby. Got pregnant again the next year and I was loving it. All I ever wanted was a family, I loved being a dad and was so happy to have a second chance to raise a family....we got along so well, we barely argued over anything and we were really good at communication....I started co-parenting with the mother of my oldest for a few months of finally getting along... She had gotten married.... Then out of nowhere, the fighting starts. She's insecure about me co-parenting right after giving birth to our second child. I wasn't allowed to physically go into her house anymore.... My drive to pick up my child was timed and criticized if I was a few minutes late. I wasn't allowed to answer phone calls from her, and she started going through my phone every day. I never did anything to deserve this and there was just no talking about it anymore. We invited her several times to co-parent with us and let everybody get along but she never wanted to. Fighting turned into just ignoring me while I would yell at her and beg her to communicate with me... Then just Ignoring me while I would cry myself to sleep...I was losing another family and I really couldn't figure out why. I went to work one day and she packed her stuff and left.

For the next 9 months or so I begged her to come back every day. I had to sleep with the baby monitor on or I would wake up all through the night...She moved in with her mom and I never got to see either of my youngest take their first steps...I started spiraling hard...I drowned myself in alcohol and lost my job. Almost lost my house a few times. I struggled to get out of bed anymore. I was so broken....

After a year and a half struggling that way, one of my exes contacted me wanting to try again. I told her I just wanted to be friends and we started hanging out. She could see how broken I was and it seemed like she really wanted to help, so I accepted it. As soon as the second mother heard I was hanging out with this girl... She tried stepping back into the picture and I didn't know what to do... Made bad choices and tried to explain myself, ended up losing her again anyways. It threw me right back into the pit. I started getting verbally abusive to the other ex that was wanting to date me...I recognized this and tried to make her leave my life again. She refused, even after being told I might hit her again.... After another month I was pushing her out of my way and screaming at her instead of crying and trying to hide. She was bigger than me but I was still stronger. I would beg her to leave the room... Leave the house, just let me cool off and she still refused. I tried to leave but this spot on my bed became my safe place. I almost never left my spot....I explained that I couldn't just take a walk anymore and I was scared to even go outside all the time.... If I left the room she would follow me... At some point in my desperation, I would just snap and sit there screaming at her, calling her every name I could think of and threatening to hurt her... She still refused to leave me alone. I was having breakdowns every day then. I was hurting her and didn't know how to stop anymore. I felt like I really lost my mind.... Somehow, after months like that I was able to be so horrible to her that she finally left. No I didn't just beat her. It was mostly verbal, but not all of it. I needed help very badly and started searching for it....

But I was almost homeless by now. My savings was gone again and I was behind on everything. I hadnt worked in a year...I had no confidence and no drive. I just didn't care that I didn't care anymore. Even at that, I started to heal again. The nightmares where I watch myself being abusive were stopping and I was starting to sleep again. I stopped drinking. I lost a bunch of weight and started taking care of myself again. Slowly I got the confidence to apply for a simple warehouse job, started working and paying my debts off again. After another year I was dating again, nothing very serious but putting myself out there with patience. I was getting back into my confidence again and was applying for better jobs believing in myself. I found a girlfriend for a couple months and she was a little mean, and a little loud... But I could handle it. I just let her yell at me when she got upset... It didn't really bother me cause she was really kind otherwise. One day, we're just waking up when she got a phone call and referred to me as just a friend. I waited till she got off the phone to ask her why I was just her friend and it was like instant screaming at me... It took me by such surprise that I screamed back and surprised both of us. She started packing her things and I just sat there... Saying nothing. She was about to leave when I asked her to talk to me.... It didn't go well and I ended up shoving her phone in her face and she bit her lip.... She called the police after she left and I went to jail this time. I really thought I was good to go, but there was still some real damage inside me and I just didn't know it was still there. So the nightmares start again and I can't stop hating myself for it.

I had no money at the time, so I didn't know who to call. My parents are pretty poor, I don't really have friends... So I tried calling my ex. The one that was bigger than me and tried to stay in that abusive situation from a year ago. She came and got me. She paid for everything and I couldn't have been more thankful. I ended up with a gps tether from the courts that she was paying for... I couldn't find a job with it on, nobody wants to hire someone in trouble like that... It came at a good time for her cause she was about to have surgery and needed someone to take care of her for the recovery period, so I offered. We started dating again....I made her promise this time tho, this was still my safe place and if I start to feel unstable, she had to promise to at least leave the room and let me calm down. It worked really well...we didn't have issues until my court dates were coming up and I was getting very anxious. I told her how scared I was getting about it all...Well, we were dating 4 months by now pretty smoothly so it caught me off guard when she started having complaints about our physical relations- admittedly I wasn't in the mood this week cause I had a court date and was scared I was going to jail.... she started telling me how she's paying for everything and I should just do it to make her happy.... I just couldn't... That made me feel so low... I cried, let her leave still mad at me... Not knowing if I'm about to go to jail. She got over it, she didn't stay gone... But it happened again the next court date... This time she threatened not to pay anything and just leave. I would go to jail anyways if I didn't give her what she wanted.... What is this crap? Why? I got loud this time about it... But I'm scared to go to jail... She IS the only reason these things got paid.... It only got worse from there. The court dates are over and I have a lot of work to do now, domestic violence classes, therapy, mental health evaluation at my request....I really want to get better, I WANT to be the beautiful person I was as a teen... To feel love and spread kindness... She's gotten back into arguing with me about everything. One day it gets really bad... I'm still on the tether and probation from court and she's just threatening me about it constantly. I had enough, I don't want her money anymore....I start yelling at her to leave... And again she starts refusing. I'm starting to shake again and I can feel my mind losing control so I start begging her and reminding her of her promise... She refuses and just sits there on my bed, in my safe place....I haven't left the house in 4 months by now being on house arrest and I'm starting to really lose it...I think about calling the police to get her escorted from my property and she plays a recording of me yelling at her... Telling me she'll say I hit her if the police show up.... So I'm stuck here and she is refusing to leave, she won't stop arguing with me and following me around... For the next 5 hours I beg her to leave me alone...5 hours of me hyperventilating and begging her to leave me...I don't want her money anymore.... She's not going anywhere. So I snap... Just start screaming at the top of my lungs...I don't even know what I'm saying but it's my minds desperate attempt to make her leave. Cussing and screeching.... I'm throwing things but I still won't touch her.... She's recording me... Getting more evidence against me, sending it to my best friend (who blocked me when they saw it)....I tried to push her away from me and couldn't... She is so much heavier than I am now... But I'm straining and forcing it anyways.... Inch by inch towards my bedroom door fighting me the whole time....I couldn't breathe, I thought I was about to have a heart attack, my chest was clenched up so tight and I started to freak out in a blind rage.... I'm pushing and shoving and screaming and I see her sit up in slow motion, I'm starting to black out and I see my fist going for her face... And I can't stop it... Right in the jaw.... And I couldn't stop it in time. She's crying now and I just collapse, sobbing and desperately trying to breathe...

After everything, she looks at me and gives me a choice.... She can call the police and have me put away for up to a year... Or I can do anything she wants me to do... My nightmare. The same thing I went through with the mother of my first child....I haven't even started any sort of therapy, or classes yet.... I'm still on my tether for a few more weeks... I've been locked in my house for months by that point. This is where I'm at right now. I'm under her boot. If I disagree with her at all, she threatens to call the police and show them everything. She won't just leave... My only choices are to be with her and accept her control over me, or go to jail for a real amount of time and ruin any chance at a normal life after that. To lose everything. I'm stuck now... And I don't see any way out of this. If she leaves me, she'll put me in jail. If I try to leave her, she'll put me in jail. I'm having breakdowns several times a day some days now and I don't know what to do anymore. I just need someone to talk to about it, I'm crazy paranoid every single day now and I'm losing myself at an alarming rate.

In my wildest dreams, all I could want is to find a way to make her leave my life peacefully.....i just want to be alone for the rest of my life and live in peace. No more dreams of raising a happy family, no more nightmares showing me things I've done... no more drama....I don't want to hurt anybody. I just want peace. I don't know how common this kind of thing is from my perspective... But I know it's not normal. I know I didn't do everything right, and I also know that the majority of my relationships were with toxic people. Not all of them were tho... Those few had a beginning, a middle, and an end... peacefully... No abuse from either side. I'm planning to run and hide from her, I just don't know how. This is new to me and I don't want to ruin my life trying to keep myself safe to heal.

I'm not a monster...