I really need support.

Hi, I am suffering from post traumatic stress disorder and trauma, and Aspergers syndrome. I really want to share my story and I need validation and support. Please read it and please say something, as I get very hurt if I feel like I am being ignored. I'm really struggling with memories of trauma and am getting triggered every day. I'm in therapy but it is going to take a long time for me to feel better. Please read my story and give me some feedback, I really appreciate any help or hugs or support <3

Deprivation is the sensation that I am beginning to come to terms with, emotionally. Even though I have had a feeling of intense rage towards my parents, I had never really gotten to feel the sense of loss that I am starting to feel now in my heart. My parents were both very hard workers, moved here from another country. They were trying to run a business together doing lots of different jobs with important companies. I always got the sense that I needed to go away and leave them alone so they can work.

I have a memory of a nightmare that I had of my mother when I was very little, Ill never forget it. I was maybe about four years old. I dreamt my mother was a robot. I remember that morning when I woke up from that dream, I was so afraid and began trying to examine my mother's face and hairline area, for evidence of her being an electrical machine. It might sound silly to put this here, but this is how I continued to see my mom as the years went by. Basically its like she is not a real person.

Being an only child, I was very lonely and bored by myself, as I tended to wander around and play in the office buildings where my parents worked. I remember Id taught myself how to tie my own shoelaces, and I was so excited to share with my mom and dad. Only my much older, half-brother and half-sister would let me show them what I learned to do. Usually nobody else had paid any attention to me with my accomplishments when I was a kid. Another time I threw some lit matches in an empty garbage can, and started a fire which my dad had to stomp out with his foot. That got me yelled at by my dad, and it disappointed my parents. I remember many nights I had to sleep overnight, on two office chairs put together having my fathers coat as my blanket.

I remember once at that same office, I was about five years old. I was staring at my dad, while I sat on the office floor playing with office supplies, and he was working at his table doing graphic arts. He used to draw realistic drawings with markers for magazine ads, since in those days people used to use ink. My dad noticed me staring at him so he opened his eyes really wide, showing me the white tops of his eyeballs in a terrifying, intimidating stare. Then he pointed his X-acto knife straight at me while he looked at me with that evil stare for what seemed like forever. I quickly looked down and took that threat seriously, and never forgot my dad should never be messed with.

My dad used to scare me by snapping his belt in his hand making a loud crack sound like a whip while giving me angry faces. I can remember he was doing this to me from my toddler years. Hed say I was going to get whipped, in Spanish, and yell at me in order for me to stop doing what I was doing. He never actually whipped me with the belt that I can remember, just threatened me with it. He would start taking off his belt, and that was terrifying and made me freeze. When he did spank me, he would do it with his hand on my butt, which I hear is normal. He also took a lot off naked pictures of me as a baby and as a toddler, which seemed nice back then, but now I feel weird considering how indifferent and cruel he was most of the time. He was rarely affectionate. I get the feeling that my dad probably hates children.