Is this normal or should i trust my instinct?
My boyfriend and I are both 25, we've been together for 8 years. We moved in together almost a year ago. I am mainly worried that he is trying to ruin my self esteem or control me OR if i'm doing something wrong, if i need to change something about myself or that im over thinking it. I apologize for this being so long and cut up thoughts/situations. i tried my best to shorten things. Please help me figure out if i should stay with him.
The only person i've told little things to is my mom but no full stories, and she told me its very obvious i try too hard to make him love me or for him to be happy and content. She said she doesnt think he appreciates it or gives it back to me.
day 1- my brother wasn't going to stay over at our house but ended up anyway, all he had were dress pants so i went to our room and picked some track pants off the floor and told him he could wear them until he leaves. I told my boyfriend afterwards and he was fine with it, even though i didn't ask first. We are usually open this way so I didn't feel the need to ask. under the wrong assumption my brother had left the house with the pants on. My mom said she would give them back to me the next day washed. It is my fault that i didn't tell him to change out of them before he leaves, i understand this because they dont belong to me.
In the evening he was showing frustration because my family sent a person to renovate a part of the basement (my parents own the house, not us) and i was also a bit frustrated since we had plans to watch halloween movies and relax but we both understood and moved on. soon after he came upstairs and suddenly became very angry. he was yelling at me asking why i let my brother take the track pants, he told me to leave him alone for the rest of the day, i just broke down and cried. I told him i didnt know he took them home. I decided to give him space. I heard him get on the computer and was talking to his online friends and laughing like nothing ever happened while i spent the rest of the day over thinking and hoping he will join me for movies a bit later than we anticipated after we talk things out. he didn't come out the whole evening and night unless he had to use the bathroom. there was a beeping in our bedroom from a phone and he came out to ask what it was, i told him i think its the phone so he went and kicked the door out of anger and it slammed to the wall. he fixed the phone and went back on the computer. I sat there wondering how he could be so mad at me over the pants. there had to be something deeper and i wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt but it also bothered me that he is trying to intimidate me and show off how mad he is.
later that night he asked me why i never came to him the whole evening to try and fix things, he had so much anger in his eyes and said it with a tone that made me cringe, i realized he really does scare me. i loudly said "because you told me to leave you alone for the rest of the day!" i asked him why i deserve to be treated like this over and over after i apologized for the pants. He told me he is angry and that he is afraid to show his anger and keeps things bottled up because he knows if he shows emotions that it will just make me sad and resentful and he will regret it. I told him he doesnt have to go from 0 to 100 to tell me something that bothers him. Many times during his outbursts he would hit the wall with his fists and swear when he thought i wasnt understanding or listening. when i told him many times before he can tell me anything (anytime we have a fight he tells me im not listening or dont understand) ive never reacted badly if he told me things in a calm and respectful way and i always listen to his side and opinions. He felt he was disrespected that my brother took the pants home without caring about him or asking. I mentioned to him that he seems very insecure.
He said he gives up on the house, that he feels like "nothing" and no one in my family cares about him when my mom absolutely loves him, she gets him gifts and makes food for us, the three of us have the best conversations, he's never showed anger at my brother or my parents or ever told me anything before. In his childhood and teenage years his parents put a lot of responsibility on him to raise his sister. he would miss out on school events and weekends he babysat... when he was young his mom would take the little money he had for rent but then his dad would spend money on a new iphone or other gadgets at the same time, hes told me all of this made him resentful. We went to sleep without resolving things.
day 2 -in the morning he retracted everything saying he didnt mean anything he said due to anger. This confused me because i would understand if it was a moment of anger but there were a lot of yelling episodes and then he would cry, have a fit, and it would just repeat again if i said something he believes is wrong. I felt like i couldnt speak or elaborate because i was paralyzed with fear. all i could do is be silent. We calmed down and in the kitchen he started pouring a caffeine drink for atheletes (hes not an athlete he says coffee doesnt work) and i told him to be careful that he didnt need it, and he just slammed the glass to make me more afraid of him. I became fed up and just exploded and yelled at him i said its over if you dont go to counselling with me or try to fix things. he kept repeating no and moan-crying on the bed that i am not listening. he basically refused counselling.
He said the reason he was talking to his online friends is because they dont supress him. He apolgoized, we talked and made up, but i still felt some things were unresolved so i calmly asked him in bed this morning to try and explain to me why he hes giving up on the house (i already felt he was not pulling his own weight, i do a lot for us) He answered in a monotone voice: "out of anger" so i got out of bed and he consoled me, he gave me a hug and made me feel good.I told him im worried this will happen again in a different way. a day of yelling and shouting. He has never called me names, been physical but stuff like this happened in the past year , it usually involved others too. If i am doing something wrong please let me know i am open to criticism, and will answer questions.
