Mentally/Verbally Abusive Husband
I have been w/my husband for5 years coming this August, but it has gotten to the point where I just don't know what to do anymore. When we were first dating, I was confident, happy, and having fun. Then we got serious, but I was still happy. Then I moved in w/him and I started to get to know him a little more, but I wasn't worried b/c I have always had a habit of making sure I have a Plan B (another place to live, job, etc.) - my past relationships have never been so successful. Not even a year passed and he wanted to get married. Well I thought I was in love enough, so I said yes! Things drastically changed. He didn't want me to have my own job. He wanted me to fix cars w/him. He didn't want me to associate w/friends. He wanted me to be w/him all the time! I was blinded and thought that this is what love is. Well .. He still is like this, but I am not happy anymore. I am not confident. I feel like I'm on tip toes around him. I have developed anxiety severely b/c I always have to choose my words carefully or he gets so critical and makes me feel stupid! He used to look on my phone, but thankfully I can put a PIN # .. he still looks in my purse I think. I have no privacy. The only friend I have is my mother and he gets mad when I go alone w/her! I just don't know what to do anymore. Our 2 year marriage anniversary is next month .. I really don't care! I have no identity anymore! My independence is gone! He doesn't tell me the truth about his childhood .. What would you do in this case?
Have you tried directly talking to him about it when he's in a good mood? Sometimes all it really takes is expressing to the person in concern how his/her actions are affecting you. This will help him/her to understand what you're really feeling and make them reconsider his/her future actions. The important thing is not to go yelling at the person and exploding on them. Such a strong reaction does not usually end up well. I'm glad you're opening up about this though :)
I've indirectly said things to him, but he always blames me for his attitudes/problems. It's impossible b/c I've only been w/him for 5 years .. his controlling, suffocating, and jealous behavior was always there, it just elevated to an extreme when we got married. So it's not my fault. And he always wants reassurance that I love him .. he's very insecure. This all has to root from somewhere, but he won't tell me anything, he just blames me for everything.
Okay that's good that you've already tried to communicate this with him. If you are sure your hints have gotten through to him then I think you should take the suggestion from below. I agree with the comment below that you should sort this out verbally only if he is willing to listen to you. In situations like these it's best though not to start tracing to who is at fault and who is not and to what degree. The important thing to ask yourself is do you still want to be with him if he changes? If you think he desrves if he changes then you should confront him and then, like the person below said, stay away for a while. The idea is to get through to him exactly how critical it is to solve this problem and then let you both have time to reflect on what has been said. Only you would know if this could get dangerously ugly though. I am not saying it will; I am just mentioning it as a precaution if you decide to have the talk with him. Regards
I have no professional advice, but I think you should get SERIOUS help. Please be safe.
The best advice I can give you is to listen to that little voice inside you. The one insisting that this is wrong and you deserve better. The second best advice I can give you is to never second guess yourself and to never believe you're overreacting. How you feel when he makes you feel so low about yourself - remember that feeling. That feeling will only get worse if nothing is done about your current situation.
There is no excuse or no good reason for someone to keep you from the people you love, for someone to talk down to you, and for someone to cause you to feel worse about yourself. None. It's unacceptable and you deserve something more. You're craving something more.
There's always the option of speaking to him, but only you know if he's the type to listen. Maybe arrange to spend a week or so at your mom's house right after you talk to him? To give yourself both some space. Be wary of crying, begging, and/or blaming from him if you confront him. I've experienced all of these and they're not fun. Don't allow him to guilt you into giving him another chance without proving to you that he's serious about changing. You deserve to be uplifted, not caged. It's not selfish to be your own advocate.
And finally, if you had a daughter and she was in the same position you are now, what would you tell her?
Thanks .. I feel under surveillance all the time. I feel ugly and stupid and not worthy of anything. I used to be a happy person and go out and get dressed up, but now I just don't care. Everything has become an obligation.
Wow sounds like my marriage but I have been dealing with this for 10 years.
Yeah, that's a sign that what's going on is not okay. When we don't feel good on the inside, things around us gradually begin to fall apart. We don't care about dressing up, we don't care about taking care of ourselves, and we don't care for doing things we used to enjoy. It's a vicious cycle and will only get worse if left untreated. I speak from experience.
Has he ever physically hurt you or threatened to hurt you? Has he ever thrown something or broken something out of anger? I guess what I'm asking is, if it were to turn out that he's unwilling to change or refuses to meet you halfway and you decide you want a break from him, do you think he'd let you leave? Or would you need someone else in the area or even someone with you to ensure you're able to leave when you decide it's time? These are things you should consider.
Have you spoken to your mom about how you're feeling? About how he makes you feel? If not, I would recommend confiding in her. It's helpful to have someone you can talk to and rely on to back you up when going through something like this.
He drinks almost everyday after work. Sometimes he gets so drunk and starts arguing w/me. Once he threw my phone and broke the screen, yet the next day he apologized and bought me a new one. Once he was drunk and yelling at me about something and squeezed my shoulders so hard it left bruises. He's never directly hit me .. but after the past year, I have gotten paranoid that he'll be on a drunken spell and hit me one day. My mom knows some things, but I don't tell her everything. She is 61 years old and will be moving into an assisted living apartment next month so .. I really cannot expect her to help me. I am scared to leave b/c I have no where to go. I work w/him. I lost all my independence and my identity entirely since I've been w/him.
Here's what I would recommend then -
If you have your own bank account, start saving some money each week until you save up enough to seek counseling. The counselor will help you validate some concerns you have and also be someone to speak to when you're feeling doubts or need someone to confide in. When I was getting out of my abusive relationship I just left a few months ago (I was with him 5 years, as well) my counselor was what saved me. She prepared me with the tools I would need and it was nice not feeling like it was me against the world.
Also start saving away money for a few months for an apartment of your own. I would also start browsing jobs just so you're aware of who is hiring and who isn't. You don't have to send out applications just yet but knowing your options is what usually calmed me.
I know it's scary but you have to take the initiative if this life isn't what you want. You have to be the change you want to see in your life. If you continue to do the same things and allow the same things, you can't expect things to change. You can do this. Reach out to other support groups specifically for people in your position. Get advice like you're doing now, make new friends who can emotionally support you, and don't give up. Don't accept less than what you deserve.
I do not have my own bank account actually .. he controls everything! He pays me every week for working at the shop w/him, so I always carry cash on me. I never allow him to buy me things b/c I am afraid he will throw it in my face. He wonders why I am like that, but I never told him that. And you said counselors .. he always wants to go in to doctors appointments w/me! I don't think that's right. I got sick of that and finally told him to stop. He got mad. So .. seeing a counselor would be very hard. The only independant money I have is from retirement funds/IRA's I started from previous jobs, but I really dc anymore about the penalty. I would like to take that money out and just go! I literally have no way out. Unless I just went to a shelter. Filed for divorce and went to a shelter. Thankfully we have no children! We almost did, but I had a miscarriage and I truly believe that happened for a reason b/c I was 5 mos and 3 wks. I am not meant to be w/this man.
Do you trust your mom enough to maybe keep some cash over at her house? Or ask her to make you a bank account under her name and she can deposit the money for you?
As far as not being able to go see a therapist, maybe talking to a therapist from home would work? I've never used this app so I can't vouch for them but if you can afford it ($25/week - as many sessions as you need, no appointments required) it's an app called Talkspace. It's free to download but if you want to continue talking to them, you'd have to pay them. Now, obviously I doubt they'd take cash so you'd have to have a bank account by then but that would be an option of receiving guidance through your phone. Completely up to you. I found out about them through an article on 81 alternative ways to receive help when you can't afford therapy. If you're interested -https://greatist.com/grow/resources-when-you-can-not-afford-therapy
I was also going to recommend the shelter option. Obviously not ideal but it would be a place to go and I would imagine they would provide help to you to help you get you back on your feet. I know this all seems like a bunch of hoops you have to hop through and you may be feeling overwhelmed but I can't stress this enough - you deserve better!!!
@transam85, I see you post on here all the time and think you always give good advice to many people. It surprises me to hear you having to deal with this. I guess unless youre actually are around someone, you never know what theyre dealing with, and even then, maybe not. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
Thanks .. I have been through my share of things in my past that I have learned from, but now I am dealing w/something that I never expected. But, at times, history can repeat itself one way or the other. My grandma and my mother both had issues in their marriages and I guess the image of a husband I had always imagined, turned out to be the kind of husbands my family members chose. But thanks.
