Mom, do you know how it feels like?

Mom, I don't like to see you.

If I could control how grandma's house worked, you'd never put your feet here again. I may not remember when dad made us leave and move to grandma and aunt's, but I remember having my crib put in a strange room, next to a bed you were sleeping.

Mom, you had to start working in jobs you hated, and I guess that made you sour. You had to quit college and you were always angry at dad because he would pick me up and bring me back with my pony tail all messed up. I didn't understand it then, but now I would say to you: "mom, I was just riding my bike".

You became this controlling sour person, and I began to see you less and less. You would go to boyfriend's houses and I remember you tried to OD in front of me. I spent the whole night checking your breath, and the other nights too. I began to sleep so late at night that you had to put my school on the afternoon shift.

I remember that whenever you got mad at something, if I were around, you would pull my two little braids or scratch my legs, or even squeeze my wrist so hard I'd get bruised. The one time I told grandma about it, she talked to you about it and you got mad at me. You used to bite my ear when you were that mad, and whisper mean things.

Mom, I know father was not present, but he is now everything you never, ever were to me.

Mom, did you know sometimes I have flashbacks and want to cry? Those flashbacks cause me anxiety and aunt A has to give me some meds. It's really hard. I'm so glad you moved away a few years ago. I can now breathe for a while.

But when you are around, you always hurt me in some way. In front of other people too. And people never scold you. They always tell me not to fight back. I'm always the one that has to accept. But you are truly the one who needs to aknowledge everything you do, because it's mean. It's wrong.

Mom, I am not sorry I don't love you. I am not sorry I can't forgive you, even though I try so hard.

Mom, you make me cry by simply being inside my head. I just want you as far away as possible. We're better apart.

Not sorry,

Me.