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My friend is in an abusive relationship

User Profile: laterelle
laterelle December 2nd, 2016

My friend has a very abusive boyfriend. afaik he doesn't hit her, but he's extremely manipulative, calls her names, controls her movement and even her job. they moved overseas a few years ago and since then he hasn't allowed her to have friends there, have a job she wants (manipulated her into working in his fledgling company which isn't doing great and into leaving a store where she was working to go wait tables at a restaurant where he and his friend work. She hates both and wants to be a graphic designer but he wants her to work there so she does). a few weeks ago he decided she was cheating on him, screamed at her for ages and kicked her out of the house. The lease is under his name only and she gives all her money to him. they were broken up for a few days during which he went out with other girls, ignored her and called her a whore if he ever talked to her. then she managed to talk to him and he took her back and she's sad now cos he says she's only with him so as not to be alone, and she's trying to think up ways to show him she loves him and i feel he's just manipulating her. she has no friends in her new country and i'm scared cos she disappears for a while every time they argue and then comes back talking about how she will work harder to show him she loves him.

Anyway.

I'm worried about her and don't know how to help -i tried telling her she deserves better but she avoids it completely and keeps talking about how she will do this and that to please him. what can i do?

4
User Profile: 2wheelsdown
2wheelsdown December 2nd, 2016

@laterelle

I'm so sorry for your friend. You are a great person to be there for her.

Unfortunately, people in abusive relationships must choose to leave. I have watched friends and family members endure similar treatment yet they refuse to leave. I can only try to support them until they are ready to take charge of their life and do what's best for them.

Keep being the good friend you are and let her know you'll do anything you can to help her. If the time comes when she is ready to leave, it will help her to know you are there for her to reach out to.

User Profile: laterelle
laterelle OP December 3rd, 2016

Thank you both. i feel very powerless talking to her because i'm a bit frightened if i say something bad about him she'll get mad at me and cut me off (have had friends do that before).

I guess i'll just try and stay there and listen, i hope she will leave him one day and become the woman that i know she wants to be. thanks again.

1 reply
User Profile: 2wheelsdown
2wheelsdown December 5th, 2016

@laterelle

If she does get mad, give her some time and then reach out again and say "How are you doing?" She may be mad but she's still your friend and will probably forgive. I can't think of anything my friends would say to me i wouldn't forgive if they reached out.

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