Struggling With Shame
My dad took my mom's life after decades of abuse. He's in prison and she's gone. I basically became an orphan at ten years old. I am still so angry, at both of them, but mainly with myself. He didn't love us, we weren't good enough for him. In the eight years since her death, he's only reached out once looking for money so he can get a lawyer. Can you believe that? I could. My guardian told me I need to stop telling people about what happened and stop talking about it cuz it's shameful. My dad murdering my mom...is shameful to me? I didn't get why at first, but then I thought about. Being the daughter of a dangerous man who can easily take away someone's life...yeah, I could see their point. But what about what I'm feeling? I'm tired of being the orphan girl with a killer dad. Or the girl that came from a family of addicts. Or the sad lonely girl who doesn't know what love is. I've been called many things; attention ***, hypochondriac, orphan, loner, *** (still a virgin, BTW), fat, ugly, murderers child, devil's spawn, child addict, delinquent, careless, selfish, and many others. The thing is, I have a lot of shame but I am unsure where it all came from. Yeah, outside sources aren't helping much, but where is the real shame coming from? Is it me? Am I the problem? Most likely.
If anyone has any suggestions or pointers for overcoming shame, please help a girl out. In all honesty, I'm not even sure if it's shame I'm feeling. If you have any ideas what I could really be feeling, please share them. I need help but this girl ain't got money for a therapist and most people don't understand or pretend to but only make me feel worse. Thank!
@KnowNoLove
That's a lot to have gone through and I'm sure there are a lot of emotions blending together.
As far as shame, it makes sense that you'd feel shame. A lot of people feel shame that really is more about their parents than it is about them. I think some people almost internalize their parents actions and behaviors as being a part of them. The logic I've heard a lot, "if their my parents, we share DNA, and what if I'm just as 'bad' as them." I don't know if that's part of your shame. It also doesn't help with all of the things other people have called you. People are just awful and cruel.
It also seems like there may be some underlying anger and resentment that hasn't fully surfaced yet, maybe because of the shame or still trying to make sense of what your past/your parents say about you. I think it sounds like you're realizing you don't deserve the names you've been called, that you have a right to your own feelings, and you're wanting support but when you try to find support maybe it backfires (which could be part of why your guardian --I think that's the word you used) is suggesting not to talk about it, so that others can't be cruel and use it against you (but I also know sometimes older generations will tell us to bottle things up at times because "no one wants to hear those things").
One thought I have is wondering if you've talked to your guardian specifically about how you're feeling and how the statement about not telling others makes you feel. Maybe her intentions are to protect you? I don't know because I don't know you or them and are not in either of your shoes, but I like to give people the benefit of the doubt when I can.
My dad and my uncle have both killed people (no one I knew, thankfully, and my dad's was an accident). I think one thing that helped me move through not allowing my dad's mistakes to become my own shortcomings was by making sure I did my best in life to not be like him.
I hope this was helpful, if in need of a chat, feel free to PM, I may not be able to respond immediately if I'm offline, but am usually good at responding within 24 hours.
