****TW**** abuse rant kinda

Hi, I'm currently 17 and I was beaten as a child. Back then showing emotions or even feeling or expressing them was seen as a weakness so I always bottle dup my feelings and tried to trianmyself to feel nothing. However, I somehow feel guilty for even bringing it up or even referring to it as abuse because "there are people who've gone through worse" and what I've experienced seemed trivial compared to what others have experienced. And weirdly enough, I don't get triggered when I see the objects used to beat me. Having emotionally unavailable parents is also not much help, with my narcissistic dad saying that he's better than any therapist and that I don't need one or have any mental health issues and telling me to not be weak by not overcoming my trauma. And is it normal to still love the person who abused you and care for them so much? Like my brain is telling me that no, this is the person who's pretty much the cause of all my issues and so technically speaking I shouldn't love them, but yet my heart can't bear to pull away and cut off ties because I'd feel guilty when I put myself in their shoes. And like they've raised me for so many years that I can't cut off ties because it means I'm indebted to them in some way and I'd be ungrateful if I did that. The constant comparison to other kids and even now has made me very bitter to the point where I can't feel genuinely happy for someone who does better than me and I get this sick slight happiness from seeing people do worse than me cuz it shows I'm better than them. I also have based my entire worth on my grades as it is how I was raised, abything below 80 is practically a foal and 80+ is average. It has taken a huge toll on me and I hate this toxicity, I want to be genuinely happy for people when I congratulate them instead of secretly wishing that they'd fail later. What do I do? Do I cut them off? Is it wrong of me to feel that my past is just as valid? How cna I get rid of this toxic mentality? How do I stop basing my entire worth on numbers and get rid of these traditional mindset????