This feels like a confession

My husband is abusive. There. Ive said it. Im not leaving. I wont say I CANT leave. While I dont have a job that would support our five children, I have supportive family and at least for now, a place to go. But the abuse isnt bad enough for me to leave; I dont think it would be in my best interest or that of the children. He has never physically hurt any of us, and I like to think that if he crossed that line I would go.

He has two types of episodes: a long-term kind of sulk in which he finds petty ways to make my life harder and tries desperately to get me to confront him (these can last several months), and then short-burst tantrums in which he punches and breaks things, screams and berates me, and sometimes threatens me and the children. The last long-term sulk was from early-March to mid-May, and he had been fine ever since the end of that. Then he had a tantrum out of the blue on Wednesday. I was more scared of him than I have been in a while.

I know that most abusers change like the wind and have nice periods. But my husbands good phases can last for six months sometimes. Over the years Ive gotten better at managing him, which involves a lot of acting, and I feel it twisting my personality.

For now, I try to ride out the storms for the sake of the peaceful times, and try to shield my kids from him as much as I can. If I were to leave, I think the kids would suffer—Im sure we would be poor, and I dont think it would be worth it. So here I am.