Unable to connect TW

Because I was rejected and abused as a child I grew up with an inability to trust. I didn't love myself because I wasn't loved by the ppl who were supposed to love and protect me instead I was severely abused by them. ( I disassociated alot as a child) I wasn't able to love anyone or allow anyone to love me, I was a closed shell. I spent my whole life running , in denial, and fearful of others rejection. Constantly looking for approval from others that I was good enough. That I deserved love. I couldn't trust and when I did I chose the wrong ppl to trust. I was drawn to that familiar abusive, controlling narcissistic person. Because of my vulnerability and low self esteem I was the perfect target for narcissists. This left me alone and silently screaming for love. ( Victimized repeatedly) I was starving for the love and connection of other humans. I had ppl in my life, a job, kids etc. but I was disconnected from them. All because I couldn't trust. I have been working on my past trauma and trying hard to open up and trust but I am still struggling and feel very alone. I'm aware of my vulnerability and I'm more cautious about ppl. I choose, and I removed the toxic ones from my life. I had no childhood, I was too busy trying to dodge abuse and survive to adulthood. There's nothing more important to me than connecting, really connecting to someone, someone I can trust with all of me -the good, the dark,.the ugly truth behind the closed door on my heart. I don't know if it's part of my path , maybe I am destined to die disconnected and alone. When you have been physically, mentally, & emotionally broken by the age of 5 and add bullying and sexual assault on top of that how is someone supposed to find a way to connection and love? ABB💜