Undoing conditioning?
So I wasn't sure if this was the right place to put it. There's no "abuse survivor" forum topic so I figured this was the next best thing.
I've been in therapy for a while and have been working on putting my life back together, but I still felt easily triggered, so I decided to dive deep and try to face the emotions I'd been putting off. Long story short, I felt nauseous, almost ill, and not from the emotions themselves, but from the thought I may no longer be a "good person". Like all the anger and bad decisions I wanted to make were going to doom me the rest of my life.
Here's the thing: I was conditioned to be anti-confrontational. I had to deal with a lot of gaslighting and "punishments" that were blown way out of proportion for whatever "mistake" or "crime" I committed according to my abuser, most of them arguing with people. He made me terrified to talk normally to anyone, even my own family. He was constantly over my shoulder watching everything I did. It took me a while for my body to even realize he was fully gone and I could finally relax.
My question is: Is feeling "sick" a normal reaction to trying to undo the harm or conditioning an abuser has put you through? Is this like a physical manifestation of some subconscious panic? Or is this a sign I'm going too far too fast? Has anyone else experienced something like this? If this is a bad sign, how should I go about it instead?
@HidaYasu In my experience, I'm not sure that there is a way to quickly undo conditionings resulting from a previous relationship. Previous spouses haunt both my wife and I. My feeling is that it's important to acknowledge and analyze these conditionings as they are identified in your emotions. Why am I feeling this way? Are these valid feelings given my current circumstances? The more we can understand where these conditionings came from and that they are not relevant today the more valuable. Kudos to be working with a therapist as this is likely the best person to assist you with undoing your conditionings. All the best to you in this journey.
Rest assured it is normal to feel sick while you work through your emotions. I don't believe it would be considered abnormal to regurgitate even. Whatever sensations you feel in your body as you work through your emotions are not abnormal. No matter if the sensation you feel is nausea, dizziness, fatigue, shakiness or an adrenaline rush. If your body acts upon such things by, let's stick to the example, regurgitating there is nothing wrong with that and it is not abnormal.
This is what your body does. Your brain processes situations, and thoughts, memories are not excluded, then produces emotions and sensations in order to communicate it's needs. It also adapts to situations in order to promote your survival.
Your wonderful brain has adapted to survive your childhood in such a way that you are capable of working through these emotions today. Look at you! You are alive, you are not a vegetable, you are not horribly impaired. Now your body is reminding you of how horrible it was. It is asking you never to go back.
Your brain and body both have ingrained these memories into you in order to prevent you from going back. Yes, the abuse cycle is real, I would say that is because it is hard to work through these emotions. Most people feel afraid of them, guilty for having them, but rest assured these emotions and sensations are there for a reason and need to be acknowledged and worked through.
Your body wants you to be acknowledged, as it is trying to help you. Now, that does not mean every thought and feeling is actionable. You are still adapted to such a life that your mind might produce thoughts that are maladaptive to your current situation. This is why it is so important to work through your emotions alongside others. I would highly recommend working through these emotions with your therapist and not on your own.
I wish you luck on your journey. I will not lie it is such a journey, one am yet to finish. Still, despite being half way through I can already tell you it is worth it. Look at you, you have already started. You began the day you enlisted a therapist. I am very proud of you, we all are. Keep going forward! 👣🫂❤️❤️❤️
@HidaYasu
I also had a ton of conditioning throughout my traumatic childhood and its affected all aspects of my life including physical symptoms. It hinders my relationships and work place relationships etc. I also am in therapy and thats helped alot . I read a book "The body Keeps the Score" its enlightening on the affects of abuse on the physical body. My abuse was deep and profound and 5 decades later its still affecting me. I commend you for getting into therapy and finding ways to help yourself . It takes a strong person to tackle triggers and abuses and conditioning. I am so sorry your trying to navigate this challenge. Just remember your not alone and do whats best for you by going to therapy and seeking support.
Be proud your a survivor
ABB