don’t feel valid

my parents never got “bad”. my mom does get wine drunk most nights and we verbally fight most nights but it’s never anything i can’t handle. i’m also taller and stronger than her (i’m 16, she’s nearly 60) so she doesn’t physically intimidate me anymore. but when i was a kid she hit me. i was never beat up or anything she just slapped my face and *** like that if we fought.

the worst of it was when i was locked in my garage when i was little after we fought. it was never for long but it was always dark and cold and i’m still claustrophobic to the point where i’ve nearly had panic attacks over being stuck in dark and small spaces.

as i’ve gotten older, she’s never hit me. not since i was a small kid. but she’s threatened it, and gotten close. i still flinch when anyone raises their hand or goes to touch my face, or if someone touches me from behind.

writing it out like this sounds bad. i get that. but i still find it SO easy to just see it as nothing bad, as not abuse. and these are in moments where i feel like i’m thinking rationally, so i really just wish i could justify it to myself idk