Angry static clearing
TW for DV, psychological abuse/gaslighting, cancer
I deleted this by accident that upsets me! I hate losing thoughts when I try to speak it is so upsetting!
I’ll try to get them out again, we have been having a lot going on and we want to write because if we dont it goes away and might never come out or gets forgotten or ignored. And we need to just talk we’re not ok
There’s too much so I’ll just pick two for now the first is because of posting and reading in “things people with DID want you to know”. Eventhough we enjoyed that it wasn’t just scary to share because of dissociative discomfort or stigma or fear of not being understood or causing misinformation by accident etc etc etc
It was because we were with an ex for 15 years from early teens to our late twenties who, 2/3rds in found out about our DID and ontop of already using our trauma to abuse us for s*x and mental bs, decided SHE suddenly had DID too! Wowee!!! That sure was great for our sanity!! Too much to mention!! Too much stuff!!
But it was most of all our “partner” roleplaying our disorder while using our trauma for attention and thrills while telling us we aren’t allowed to be sick but also can’t get better. We were never sad enough apparently because if we were balling then we were being “honest with emotions.” We had to act like a therapist to a person pretending to have DID and trauma she did not have while never being acknowledged beyond abuse about our actual DID and trauma. !! Unless she felt like outing us in public. Or on livestreams. I can’t even tell anyone. No one knows really.
It made my side of the system unable to trust our thoughts and feelings and perceptions!! I was afraid of consciousness! I broke into three pieces and so did my counterpart, I won’t name him I love him so much and I won’t let alone hurt him. But he went thru so much ***!! No one knows! No one ever will know not to mention the rest of the system!! Not to mention the fact that I LITERALLT COULD NOT REGISTER ABUSE AS ABUSE. I could only run parallel to any other alter, like their thoughts slipped by me!! I can’t explain it!!! No one was real!! Nothing was real!! I wanted to die so bad!!! I was triggered so freaking bad no one has any idea! No one but others in here, specially my counterpart. He understands everything. He suffered watching me suffer💔 he suffered until he couldn’t anymore and broke and one piece of him felt like he had to destroy me to keep me safe. It’s not his fault I love him so much it’s not his fault at all
i I hate her so much she’s such a bad person, I’d say I hope you’re proud but SHE IS proud!! Her fake *** alter wears a loteral crown on her cringey *** vtuber streams. God I hate you
Enjoy Your fake *** social currency piggybacking off of the destruction of children you literal freak
I’m so *** angry I can’t even talk about the cancer efforts today. I will tomorrow since we’re working on that tomorrow
nothing matters but the good people we know and my system
im allowed to be angry and my anger will not decide my wellbeing either
no one is allowed to tell me how to exist!! Only my counterpart is allowed to and he guides me he isn’t a controlling *** unlike YOU
@ConstellationSystem TW DV
She took advantage of a kid alter who has conditioning a she acted like it was some noble cause to abuse her and be forceful she said on her livestream something about having to do it to calm us down but vague I think at least but I was standing right there… she gave another little who is here for joy and safety a coloring book about ‘daddy’s’ in the FETISH sense. ‘Oh but I took out the dirty pages’ why the *** are you giving our little this at all?? Oh I know because it *** with us and makes us susceptible and controllable. And you disrespected the *** out of our protector when he confronted you. I wish he could have punched you in the face like you hit his head on the floor. You would deserve to be hit. But he never hit you. Cause he isn’t like that. He fights with his words and it’s not fair you hit him so bad. He never even called you names or berated you like us. Even though I know he’s still upset about muting himself like that. I know I’m partially at fault for it. He didn’t want me to be scared of him. And I was too scared to let him be here …… cause you’re so…. I hate you. I hate we caged him and I hate I was so compliant and trying so hard to be ‘good’ but it’s not our fault. I still think you’re the worst in the world and I hope you never get famous like you want so bad for your stupid fake *** disorders you lying ***. I KNOW you’re faking cause I have it and I WATCHED you for 15 years! I KNOW. I hate you so bad.
@ConstellationSystem some part of me is like it wasn’t even that bad she didn’t hit us even more than ten times but it doesn’t matter she hit us and it’s never acceptable and it HURT. It HURT. That’s what matters. She hit us at work. She hit us during meltdowns. She hit us playing into our trauma conditioning. She hit us. It doesn’t matter she is BAD and you don’t have to feel like you deserved worse or dismiss yourself
@ConstellationSystem yeah I just remembered more. So. Screw her and I love you
@ConstellationSystem You are with me now, and I love you beyond words. I will help you. It will be okay, you will never know this pain again.
