DID, Had Most Out With Me For Quite a Few Days All in a Row, So Distressed, Some are
So many have all been out for lots of constand days in a row. Amy has been very stressed and some of us too, all about the same thing. The 2 youngest do not much care about it one way or the other, as it does not really matter to them at all. the very youngest, just always wants to play, go outside and loves to just twirl around with her around stretched out, with her nice white dress on, and feeling the wind as she gets to twirl, But, some of us that are older and Amy too, who has now gone into hiding for now are quite stressed, so very deeply depressed, so confused as to what we all should come together and really decide to do for a final decision. It is very hard to come to this extremely, life changing decision. Amy battled it all her life and so have some of us. We know to not tell you what it is, as that can not be known. But, Amy so much and those of us that are also going through this are so extremely depressed, so worried about what we all may decide on, what that will lead to for our life forever, and so, so much! The deep, dark depression involved with this is getting unmanagable and almost unable to control to a level that needs to be there to safe. This is such a huge deal for Amy and for some of us also. there is nothing more major in life as far as we all see it. Please help us all make it through this for now.
@Amelia2324 Hey :) I'm not - well - I haven't been too good with words much lately and there's been alot of isolating lately
I'm sorry to hear that you're all so stressed and I really get the depression part. Things have been like that here lately. And I'm probably wrong with my thinking and I guess some words on your post jumped out at me more than others. The part about knowing not to tell and final decision - its hard - I understand how hard everything is. I hope I'm wrong with my thinking - you've all fought hard to get here. Don't - ok? Talk to someone - is there something that can help? You're not alone - we'll listen - to anything you have to say - any of you - ok? Logan thinks I'm wrong and assuming the wrong thing. But that it's something equally important and changing for you all. Idk - I tend to read between the lines - so please - you can tell me if I'm wrong
I'm sorry if I'm thinking the wrong things and saying the wrong things. I guess we mainly want you to know that you're not alone - you don't have to go through this darkness alone - we'll sit quietly with you or whatever you all need - we're here - ok?
Be gentle with yourselves and your thoughts - I'm sorry if this makes absolutely no sense at all
@mytwistedsoul
Thank you very much! It is very kind of you to respond. So very sorry that you haven't been doing too good lately and have been feeling like isolating lots. We know how that can feel and gets. We bet you have been also depressed a whole lot. Kind hugs to you and all. We, and Amy have always known to never tell about any of anything in all of life. For not telling about what Amy and some of us were posting about is a decison regarding a choice for us for what we have been battling with tons of years over. It is not a suicidal ideation, though, Amy and some of us have also been dealing with that as well. How about for you? How has your deprssion been for you? Please tell Logan, "Hi, and thanks." Our so hard, so long conflict and decision about it we are being more pressed about lately involves a combo of something that can be discussed on here, along with the other side of it, being something that can't be discissed on here. We all, and Amy, thank you so much for reaching out to us all. We wish it were just easy to talk about this, and we have nver talked abou this before in all the years. If you really knew how many years this covers, it would be a big shock. Just the place that Amy and some of us are in now, with some things in life, and being pushed by outside people and us pushing inside too, it is all getting too much to even bear, handle, or deal with. We all made it through last night. That is a good thing. We would love it if you would want to share with us about you and more about how you are doing. We care and would like to hear about you and what all you've been going through more, if it would be okay with you to want to share that with us. thank you so much! We will be thinking of you and we send gentle hugs and kindness to you.
@Amelia2324 You're welcome :) I can't tell you how glad I am that I was wrong in my thinking but I do understand the thoughts that are still there - kind of lurking in the background. Especially when things are going really bad and it's just chaos and you're getting pushed from all sides. I'm sorry you're dealing with those thoughts on top of everything else
It's not easy to talk about things - some things are secrets and those secrets - have a penalty if they're said. Like you have a gag order or well - a hand over your mouth and the ever present - shhhh in your ear. I'm sorry I don't mean to trigger you or anone else - the image made me alittle anxious tbh. It feels like some things that need to be talked about - it feels like it will k*ll you if you say it - literally
Outsiders - aside from them - what do you and yours feel is best? They're probably adding to the pressure I bet. Allthough it can be hard to come to an agreement together - like here with us probably - some are comfortable with sharing - others are not and it is so unbelieveably hard to know what the right thing to do is. Sometimes - tbh - I wish this would go away. I guess that sounds horrible but - there's time I just feel like I'm losing my mind but then there's times I'm grateful for them and the conflict in between the two - feels like it's tearing you apart sometimes. Our therapist says eventually things will get more managable - I hope so - boy do I hope so
I'm glad you all made it through the night - you're absolutely right - that is a very good thing
So - um - alittle about us. We were diagnosed alittle over two years ago - therapy started for self Harm. So it's still pretty new. We're a system of 13 - a new one came forward about two months ago. Beau. Most of us are fairly nice - some of us aren't - but we try to keep the worst one out of here - our persecutor - she's not willing to play nice. The depression used to not be as bad - anxiety was actually the biggest problem but there were things that happened - two abusers passed away - putting our dog down and then losing a safe person - my best friend - the depression deepened and with the friend - that really caused some trust issues between us and trust issues with outsiders - so - isolate. Which makes the depression worse too lol. This is pretty much how some of us socialize because we don't go out anywhere much
Logan says hello and you're welcome. Thank you for the gentle hugs and kindness :) We send some good vibes to you and yours too
I hope - you can all come to an agreement with what is best for you all and not what outsiders want or think is best - allthough they probably mean well - keep yourselves safe. You'll be in our thoughts. *sorry this got so long*
@mytwistedsoul
Hi to you all,
Thanks for all of your understanding. It has meant so much.
We hope it does not trigger lots of you, but, we all agree how you talked about knowing how things must be kept a secret, or else. That was so, so major during all of a bit over our first decade of abuse. ...such a big part. We are sorry, we want, those who are here now, to say some more, but, like some of you feel, others inside are overriding us and it must stop.
All of us, with the help of someone who understands, have been able to get away from the main outsider that was pressuring us, in lots of different ways for lots of things. Two of us wanted to do one of those things, but none of the rest of us. On another thing this outsider kept pushing us all to do, none us wanted to do that and it was so wrong. It all has been tearing all of us up for a few months now, getting worse.
Yes, we understand about your conclicts inside. We do hope it gets better for all of you, as your therapist said it would. It is hard sometimes to control things and what each other wants inside.
Amy, has come to believe that it is a very good thing to have all of us, even if we all do not agree all of the time. Amy is grateful for all of us, as we have been with her for so many years and we all have, in, our different ways helped out lots. Some do not help as much as others, for sure, but, we are all here and are here to be with Amy.
We made it back to you all. We were getting very worried. We could not figure out which tab on the laptop, what place it was to look for, anything. We just had to to to see psychiatrist on zoom appointment. We are even more confused now. We know we belong to being here with you now. We know we are to be talking with you now. We, and Amy, and some others learned to copy and past what you and others write, so that who ever is answereing back can keep remembering what you or others said. Those who are here now, so what you said now. We will read it again, so we can figure it all out again, after seeing the psychiatrist. He only gives us medicine for stress/anxiety and something for our bad pain in our head/eyes area that is a psychotropic med.
We all think it is so very nice that you all want to share about how it has been for you. 
One of our younger ones has also come to talk with you. Hope it is ok. Some of you must have been feeling so awful and trapped, in a way, with the selp harm. Were those of you able to get their feelings out enough? How did some of you feel about being diagnosed a bit over 2 years ago? did it make sense, or was it hard on some of you to accept? It must be quite difficut in situations when your persecutor feels they want or need to come out and then what may go on. Our protector, Kirk, does not play and is so direct and most everyone does not know how to take him. He has said threatening things to some people, to help Amy. It scared them, from what we found out. How is it when your persecutor comes out? We know how anxiety is so much the bigest problem and bet that was and still is a hard problem for all of you. We all are so very sorry you all are into a big depression part now. It does make it different when an abuser dies. It leaves us with lots of thoughts, ideas, feelings, and much more. We are so sorry you lost your dog. That is very sad. Did any of your abusers kill your dog, or was it best that your dog have to be put down recently? Either way, it is so sad that you no longer even have your dog. We bet you miss them lots. Awe, how sad how you lost also your best friend!!! That is just too much loss to deal with!!! 
You all sure have been trying to deal with so many very sad and hard things. Please keep witing to us so we can know how you all keep doing. Please also write to us anytime, for any reason. Please tell, Logan, "hi," again from some of us and even from one of our younger ones, who is here again. They had to leave for a little bit, as they got scared with some things, but, are back again now. They want to make you smile and be happy. All of us want you to be happier, but, they wanted to say that to you, all by themselves. We all understand how it gets and is when can not trust the outsiders and have to not go out there. We will be here for all of you. Do you all think we should keep up with each other here, or, should we make a different topic or whatever you call in under DID? We do not know and are fine with whatever you think is best. We just want it to all be okay to keep in touch with all of you. We were told recently that we could reply people. We think that was very, very recently,...maybe in the last 3 days--just guessing on days, but, know we had very rough day yesterday, had to take lots of the anxiety medicine, took so many hours of it all yesterday. So glad we made it through it all yesterday. We had to leave here for a Dr. specialist appointment and couldn't get home for almost 6 hours after that and what all went on where we were was not good for any of us. But, we were told before yesterday, that we could reply and we told them we had been so sad that we could not reply to others. We all have felt really bad for not getting back to you all. We care about you all. Please write when you want and feel like it. We love it when you feel like you want to share some things also. It is nice getting to know you all. We are worried as a man has to come into the house tomorrow to work on the electrical panel box. We all are very worried about him being in here with us being in here too. We are very scared about this and scared about it today. He has to come in, or home goes bye-bye in 2 weeks. He seems like he is an ok man and seems nice, but, you know how they try to fool you and do fool you in the beginning lots. We also wanted to say that we think you all have been through an awful lot with your abusers and think this because you also have 13 of you.
Some of us want to tell you that we are not happy that Amy and some of the others got rid ot the pushing outsider. We liked them in lots of others ways, not those ways, but, lots of others was. We are mad about it very much!!!!!!!!!!!! We have not decided what we are going to do about all this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We are very upset about this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It is not right and we do not want this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We should have gotten Kirk to tell them to stfu and back off and maybe they would have. We do not know or know about any of this. We feel we have to comply with what is best for all the others. We think we need to do that. We are still upset and also so sad about no more contact with them ever. We did not mean to come out and tell you all this. Maybe we should not have, as the others are now upset that we have said this to you all. They know we do not know what is best for us all. We are sorry we have been confusing to you all. We are very sorry we have also gone and created another problem for the others inside. We need to be able to go away again. Sorry we bothered you all. We will let some of them come back now.
We hope you all will write to us again. We were very happy to learn some about you all. We look forward to hearing from you all again, any that may want to write to us. Sorry we had trouble with not keeping it short enough. Many of us love to write. We all hope this hasn't made any or all of you upset. If it has, please let us know. We want you to feel better. We all are sorry for all your loses. It is hard, very hard. We send you love today, and compassion, along with so much understanding. 
@Amelia2324 Hello. :) I hope it's alright, I've decided to color code the sections with the colors used here. I thought perhaps it would be easier to follow. If you would rather we didn't do it this way, please just say and we won't do it again. :)
There is never any pressure to answer any of the questions or to talk abut anything that someone might find upsetting. I'm glad you were able to get away from the one who was pressuring everyone so much. I think that many people just don't understand the conflict certain things cause. They don't understand not having control over things. I'm glad that Amy sees having you all is a good thing. Unfortunately, we're not there yet.
I'm glad you were able to find us here again. We dislike the Zoom appointments. It's too easy for us to get distracted at times and I know we aren't taking in everything that's said. We often email, because it's easier to follow the words. Hopefully soon we will be able to go back to in person sessions.We also have med's to take for anxiety and pain but half the time they don't work like we feel they should.
It's always okay for anyone who would like to talk to come in :) Unfortunately, the SH is still an issue at times. I find it frustrating because it's often used for anxiety or punishment, but sometimes we're able to go a few days with out it being done. Some of the other's are very rough on this body and do not care for it as well as they should.
The diagnosis was hard to take for some, to other's it made sense, but it's been hard for J, our host, to accept. He feels it add's to his "I'm a monster" image. 1 of our protectors, sounds a lot like Kirk, no nonsense and tells it like it is, but he does have a playful side and does like to have a little fun. Our persecutor, doesn't play and just causes trouble. She's been very hard to get through to. She refuses to speak with our Doctor's and our Therapist. She is cruel to some of the other's inside. She's good at influencing things and basically hates everyone and everything. I'm glad the younger one who got scared, came back. They're so brave for doing that. :) You'll have to tell everyone hello for me, I'm Logan. :) The last 2 days have been difficult and some of the others have pulled back a little. Anxiety hit's sometimes and it seems like it's often out of no where but it can usually be narrowed down, but it is a very big problem some days.
Our dog had cancer, we found out Sept.19th and had to have her put to sleep on Thanksgiving day. It's burned into our memory and there are times when we still relive those moments. The friend has caused some issues for us. I'm sure none of us handled it as well as we should have but it was a first time for any of us. It has added to the desire to be more quiet because of things that she said and it makes our host nervous to talk about her sometimes. Sometimes, things said now, are similar to things said before and it causes a chain reaction or a domino effect.
I suppose it doesn't matter, if you'd like to we can keep up here or we can create another thread. I'm glad you were all told you can reply. It's good for everyone to have a place to express their thoughts and feelings and maybe make some friends. There's never any pressure to reply quickly. We're pretty patient. I'm sorry everyone had a rough day the other day and the anxiety was so bad. It was bad here for anxiety yesterday too, sometimes our muscles are held so tense, jaw clenched so tight that everything just hurts and muscles twitch.
I hope things went okay with the electrician yesterday, and we do understand how people seem nice and then you find out that they're not as nice as you thought. So I hope they continue to shw themselves as a nice person and get the work done so that they can leave and everyone can take a deep breath in relief.
Thank you, it went on for a long time, until we ran away and then we found more troubles. It's hard to remember it's in the past sometimes and we never realized how much.
It's okay for you to tell us that you're upset, I hope the other's still arent upset with you for telling us this. It hurts when people we get attached to leave our lives and sometimes we may not always know exactly why it has to happen. Maybe with a little time it will be easier for someone to explain why you can no longer have contact with this person. Unfortunately, sometimes we need to make sacrifices for what's best for everyone, but that doesn't make it hurt any less. You didn't bother me at all, I'm glad you came to talk with us and I hope you will again. :)
Thank you! It was wonderful to read your words and in many ways there was a sense of relief to find someone who understands how hard things can be. You're welcome to write as much as you want. :) There's no limits for length, I believe. Nothing you said made any of us upset and some of us are rather excited that we used different colors for the different sections. :) Thank you all for all your kind words, they mean a lot to hear and see and sometimes make a big difference. We send you peace, and good vibes and good thoughts. Take good care of yourselves, it was so wonderful to meet you all.
Logan
@mytwistedsoul
Logan, we are very mad at our laptop!!!
we all had taken a lot of time, replied to all of your message, and written a bit more. then, our mouse pad got all stuck and we were trying to get it unstuck and it ended up deleting everying we had open in all of Google, including your letter, Logan!
Logan, we are very sorry it lost it all. We must get it fixed in a couple of months if the bills allow. we are so sorry Logan. we did try so hard to reach out back to you. We will reply again Logan. we just can not do it now, as we are upset about all we lost to you. it is upsetting as it was important to us and we are sorry as this week so far has been so crammed packed and we are so sorry. we wanted to be in the right mood to write back to you, Logan. we will soon. we just cant go right back to it right now. have a good night. Logan bye
@Amelia2324 Hey :) its ok. I know it's frustrating though when that happens. Sometimes when I write - the site signs me out and I lose everything too. Or I close it - I'm never sure if that's by accident or on purpose. I usually have to take a step back because it takes away the desire to write. It's ok though - no rush - no hurry. And nothing to be sorry for ok? I hope the weekend gives you all a chance to relax and unwind alittle :) *hugs to you all*
J
@mytwistedsoul
Hi Logan, and others who may be there,
It sure is easier to follow things, and remember things with email and messages like this. If we had both been zooming all this time, we would have not much idea of anything. So, I/we do understand. No, the anti-anxietyand pain meds both neither one work as I/we feel they ever should either. They are only slightly a tiny bit of help, sometimes none. Sorry the SH is still so strong for some of you. It must be very hard with others not agreeing at all with it. We sure bet you all have some intense things going on back and forth over the SH. We have some things we all do not agree on also and go back and forth for a while, but, we know it is not near as difficult as some of what you all are dealing with back and forth. Also, with having your persecutor, that even makes things super-duper hard. I or we did not know that your SH was also used for anxiety and punishment. Wow, does that make it even more worse inside with everyone! Bet it was harder on some, more than others, and J too, to accept the Dx of SH. We all are so sorry that you all have to deal with it, go through it, and also have the battle with the others with it. That all is so much to deal with!!!!!!
Your persecutor must be very rough to deal with for most all of you, especially the younger ones that were even scared off, but, got brave and finally came back. Please tell them we are proud of them for being so brave to come back. Hopefully, maybe one day, your persecutor will want to talk to either your Dr. or therapist, or both. That would be an amazing day. She must be manuplative, as she is so good at getting her way. She must be suffering with a tremendous load to be so angry and cruel towards all of you. It must be so hard on her that she may not know any other way to deal with it all.
I/we so much understand how anxiety is the biggest culprit of everything. It does come and go in waves. You just never are sure what a day or the next day, or whatever will hold.
That was a big loss with your doggie on Sept 19th. for the Dx, then, with them having to be put down on Thanksgiving. How so utterly sad and so lost. We do not have words for the sadness, but, we feel it so much inside. It makes us sad too when we remember how he killed our cat when Amy was a kid. We all loved our cat. It had taken a few bad beating before, but, we were glad that it never had to take any more after that. We are also sad when they said that they shot our dog in the head. We did not understand why they would even do that to our poor dog. He had not bothered them any. We do not know which one of them did it, and it did not matter, as they had already done it, when they got us away for a week. We thought something was up about that. We had to just ask why and walk away because we were hurt, mad, upset at them for doing that to our dog that never did anyone any harm and was so nice. We still believe it was because it was our dog that they shot him in the head. We knew how they felt about us, but, our dog??? We knew what they were capable of. they went on to get better and better at what they did to us. They got good until we got bigger, then it was all him doing all of it. He used to be a semi-pro boxer and was going pro until he was talked out of it by his father. He was quick, we will give him that. We will not talk about it anymore now. We do not want to talk about him or any of the many others that did things. No more.
We are upset that your friend has been causing you some issues. Whatever went on, it must have been hard to deal with. With it being very hard to deal with, we understand how it makes you all want to go back and be more quiet. We are sorry it has been quite stressful for you all. We hope it can get better. We know you all were mentioning about way in the past and that you all finally ran away and then more things happened. It is hard to talk about a lot of things. When you all do get ready, if you want, we are here and care about you and what happened, if any of you, or you Logan wants to share. We know we have not shared about all the things we went through yet either. It is very hard to do that for us. Plus, it is not that safe where we are writing either. We wished there were just a place that only you all and us could read. So, that makes it even more scary for us all.
We hope you, Logan, and the rest, had a good weekend. We all must go now. We have a horrible headache. bye
@Amelia2324 Hello to everyone :)
We're sorry to hear that your meds don't work well for you's either. I'm sorry to hear that you all go back and forth on things too. With the SH - with the anxiety it helps ease it - as sick as that may sound. It's allmost like a release I guess but it only last for so long and then I feel bad about it afterwards. As punishment - again it's a sick thing to do - to use it as punishment for things that were said or done. Giving that pound of flesh for mistakes. We know we need to use other coping methods but sometimes we like the pain of it - some of us anyway. We're sorry for everything you're dealing with too and for so long - it worries me alittle because I had hoped or thought that things would get better - easier I guess
She can be rough to deal with, the things she says and makes some of us think. She feeds insecurities and reminds us of how we failed in so many ways with so many things. It's our understanding that she holds alot of trauma but so far is unwilling to open up about it. She tells us to shut up and keep quiet - that noone cares anyway - alot of times we believe what she says
We're so so sorry to hear about your cat and dog - those are painful memories for you all to have. I sometimes think that they'd do things like that because it was something that brought us - Idk - peace - love. We got comfort from our animals and things like that were often to show us that we have nothing - there is nothing that can care for us. If there is - they took it away. It showed how powerful they thought they were. We're sorry for what he did to you - you didn't deserve any of that - you deserved love and compassion
With the friend - I can't take any support for that because it was my fault. Logan added to it or made it worse by saying things he did - but it was my fault for not understanding things better - for not being quiet about it. She was ready for more - she deserved more - she needed more. We weren't ready for all that - some of us were afraid and now I'm afraid to talk about it and I feel such shame and guilt when I do
It helps alittle when it comes to talking about things here by remembering that it's anonymous but there is still fear - or judgement - rejection and even pity. Sometimes we still struggle with thinking we deserved it and some people aren't allways very nice with comments - we often wish there was a way to message other members or if we could edit or delete our own stuff. We try to remember what our therapist says about not being afraid of the truth but some days we feel afraid of everything
We hope you had a good weekend too and hope that your headache is better now
*leaves a hugs for everyone* Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts
J
Hope you don't mind - just wanted to check in with everyone. Wanted to do it sooner but had a hard time finding this thread and couldn't remember the name of it. Has the electrician finished up yet?