Dissociation or something more
Hi! I'm new here. I already wonder if what I have is dissociation.. It's not feeling anything, and like not receiving information from your senses, or receiving it with a delate.. and like your brain can't process this information.. and you.. can not function, you're very inadequate, you hardly move, and you move like you're blind.. And your brain is not working, you cannot think, talk..it's hard.. your thought is slow and you don't know what you'll say next.. like you don't know the words.. but it's more like you miss the ideas, concepts.. you don't know how to form your thought.. And like you sleep all the time and nothing can wake you up, nothing can make you react.. You're freezed, afraid of people.. Of course no energy at all.. etc. Is that dissociation or it's something more?
@harryWatermelon
Sounds like dissociation to me, I go through this when I am particularly stressed. I find grounding helps us but it did take a long time to practice before it started working. I hope you can find something that works for you.
Thank you for the answer, @LifeIsMyCanvas ! The difference is you go through this when you're very stressed, and I go through this every time I am not connected to anyone, which is, this time, since 1-2 years time.. I mean it lasts very very long. And through this time I loose my identity, the personality I have created last time I was connected with people.. and in fact I start feeling like, let's say, a 3 year old.. like a little child.. and almost have the behavioral capacity of such.. I can't talk with people.. At the age of 3 I have been in a hospital alone.. and after that sent to my grandparent's..
@harryWatermelon
'stress' is a big umbrella and covers things like attachment trauma. I'm currently working on my abandonment issues from my parents and that is triggering symptoms as you describe but I'm not ready to talk about it more than that. I have had those periods last for years. I have DID so in my case some other part of me was fronting but right now I'm fronting but dissociating as you described. I also struggle with losing my words for things but in my case, that might be autism (I am waiting for an assessment).
If you look up depersonalization that is the type of dissociation that causes you to detach from your sense of self, and derealisation is when you detach from the world/others around you (very simplified definition). The only way to know for sure is to ask a professional. I have a lot of personal experience as I had therapy for 8 years and researched a lot but I'm not a professional so I'm only offering my opinion. Everyone experiences it slightly differently because we are all unique with different traumas.
Ok, I see.. Yeah I know about depersonalization and derealisation.. I'm not getting well with therapists :/ can't connect with them.. Attachment trauma I surely have it.. I wish I could walk at the street without having the feeling everybody's watching me!.. Do you have this?.. I wish I wasn't thinking everybody sees me stupid as hell! And laughable! But now I really look stupid with people! Or I feel this way.. And I'm very afraid of people! Cause I can't talk. I'm like I don't know what's happening! ....
And I can't look in people's eyes!.. I'm sooo ashamed! And I feel like everybody will be bad to me!.. I guess it's because of my mother, grandmother and everyone's bad behavior!.. And when I was with great people a while ago, I became super clever, beautiful, witty, capable and everything!!!
In my fucking mind when you're not well everybody is bad with you! When you're stupid, and ugly - everybody is bad to you! When you're afraid - everybody laughs at you!
When people see me, I'm freezed! And I always think they think they are superior than me!
Sorry for talking that much! It's, i guess, cause I talk for the first time with someone who says he experience the things I do.
@harryWatermelon
I obviously don't have the exact same experience as you do but something that I learnt about my attachment trauma is that it is based on a lot of shame I had. I used to think a lot about how people perceived me and if they were judging me because it was tried up with messages from my abuser. I often felt it was safer to not be seen and isolate. I also used to get very clumsy when anxious and that made me feel ashamed and avoid people. Connection with others is really hard if we haven't had a healthy experience of it. I know I avoided connection for a very long time, I think it is totally normal to want to avoid something that has hurt us. But unfortunately, the way to heal attachment wounds is to connect with safe, loving others. I say unfortunately because we need to do what scares us to get better and it really does not feel fair/good/right etc that it is that way. I never felt able to do this for years, until I learned about boundaries. They helped me work out what made me scared about relationships/ interactions and how to protect myself when I was hurt. After a while, I had some better experiences and I used these new experiences to remind myself that people don't always suck/have to scare me etc... There is a really great resource on cups that changed my life and I would really encourage you to check it out when/if you feel able to: www.7cups.com/boundaries
Take Care 
Thank you, @LifeIsMyCanvas! Yeah.. attachment trauma.. you mean the shame is related to it.. Shame cause my parents left me.. so I'm not good enough, I'm somehow defective.. I have a lot a lot of shame! I don't wanna look at people's eyes!!!which makes things worse.. I don't wanna be seen!!! For me there's a lot of shame cause of the dissociation - cause I'm so inedaquate, like sleeping, slow, like I'm not in this reality the others are in.. I can't move, like I don't own my body.. can't talk, think, communicate with people.. Oh and there's something else for me too.. I feel very ashamed of the way I look! Which is caused by the dissociation as well.. the fact I can't move decently.. and my voice is..so weak and quiet..and without intonation.. I don't want it to be heared!.. And here's the strange thing - when I start disassociating, i start hearing my mother's and grandmother's voices in my head! (They were both bad to me and not ok..) I hear their voices like commenting the things I see, criticizing me.. and little by little I start to see the world through their eyes, and have their emotions!which are.. no emotion, being detached from self, irritation - from my mother, anger towards people, the idea everyone is guilty for what disturbs her - from my grandmother.. And it's like their voices inside my head become mine!.. I can't control it! And there emotions as well.. And I start seeing myself as them! And it's another reason for shame - to see myself like my mother (who I think is dissociated too, inadequate etc.), to see myself walking like her.. with her voice, intonation.. and 'communicating' with others like her.. absolutely artificially.. only to ask some things for example, being afraid of people, talking to them without seeing myself and with fear, and with no any real communication for pleasure.. and the fear is they will reject me, will be bad, rude to me, will even beat me maybe.. yeah I walk with this fear in the streets..
In my mind if you're beautiful, sexy, clever, confident etc.people like you, are good to you, and everything is ok! But if you're ugly, stupid, if something's wrong with you - people will be bad to you.. dangerous maybe.. scary..
@harryWatermelon
I related to a lot of what you said to be honest. The shame is all hidden in the attachment trauma. The emotional neglect memories have been really brutal for me recently. Especially when | ask for help and I'm dismissed as being 'in my head'. Thankfully today I met a nurse who treated me different and gave me some hope things can be different. It made me realise that just because I was told I am defective, doesn't make it true. It was the relationship that was defective not me. So I guess I want to share that with you. You are not defective, and if you check out that boundary guide I linked before it will help you avoid defective relationships in the future and maybe you can find good people too. Took me a lot of practice but now I get angry (in a healthy way) when people treat me bad and I can say no. I'm keeping a record of all the times I'm heard now so I can tell my brain it is different now.
I also want you to know that dissociation is not anything to do with defectiveness. In fact, it is an extremely clever way of surviving the unsurvivable. I know for myself, I would not still be here without it and I am now able to be extremely grateful for it. That said, as an adult, it is not always helpful or convenient to dissociate when I have better resources/coping skills to chose from now.
I used to hate the way I look too, now I've gotten to the place where I don't want to totally destroy my body which took me a long time. I have a lot of blemishes etc from my illnesses/trauma and half the time I don't even believe my body belongs to me. But the truth is that our bodies are the only place we have to live. So I am slowly learning to be grateful for mine, even if I can't quite 'love' it yet. My voice is also quiet and I used to be very clumsy when dissociating. It is because the brain sometimes loses track of where the body is in time and space and it makes walking etc very difficult. With grounding practice, mine has significantly improved.
I have personalities in my head that act like my abusers (they are called persecutor parts as I have DID), at first, I just felt tormented by them and I couldn't cope with it. Over time I realised that they are trying to keep me safe by making me appease my abusers so I don't get hurt badly. But I am an adult now and my abusers are not in my life so I get to chose my own way of doing things. I have been teaching them this over time and things are significantly better now. One thing I noticed is that I wasn't able to understand what emotions were mine and what came from other people. I thought they were the same until I began to learn about boundaries. They really helped me give back other peoples emotions to them and keep them out of me. It was the best first step to starting feeling some sense of self that was not what everyone else expected of me/dumped on me.
You seem pretty self-aware of what is going on in your head so I really hope you can learn about the boundaries and find things that help you because you are on the right path.
Take good care,
Canvas
@LifeIsMyCanvas Hey :) how are you? I'm sorry for butting in but your persecutor - how do you get them to listen? I'm sorry if I maybe shouldn't ask that and you don't have to answer of course - its just I'd like to make some kind of peace with mine and even with therapy - nothing works. I understand why they're there but idk how to get things to settle down any and Idk - I'm open to suggestions but I understand too if you'd rather not say
@mytwistedsoul
Hi there, well each part is their own person so it really depends on what is driving their behaviours. But usually they are trying to keep us safe so learning to talk to them about why they think that behaviour keeps us safe is key. Once they feel understood then they are more likely to trust me. When there is trust you can begin to negociate more. Fear is a big motivator so compassion in understanding that this apparently 'tough' part is actually very vulnerable too is important.
I try to understand how our abuser behaved towards them and make sure I don't do the same things. For example I had a part that screamed 24/7 for about a month and he was told he had to hold all our pain because boys do not cry. When I found him I made sure not to tell him not to cry/scream because that is what 'they' did. Instead I made him a safe space in the headspace and got another part away from him that was causing him distress. With another part she was harming the body a lot, when I asked her why she said she wanted to destroy the body because if we didn't have one we couldn't be hurt. When I explained that we all shared the same body and it hurt all of us she was horrified at what she had done. Over time I asked her if I could handle the things that scared her and the more she watched me do it, the more she trusted me too and eventually she integrated with me.
A couple of other things that helped with co-operation was system responsibility. We all share one body and to the outside world each one of us is collectively responsible for what we do in the outside world. That's why we all need to communicate and have a say in what we do. We have a charter of system rules, things we will and wont do etc... We try to get everyone to agree to them, it is not forced though. If they don't agree to it yet then they are welcome to listen to inner meetings but can't 'vote' on what we do as a system. It's important that we have boundaries.
We also set up calm zones, safe zones and lockdown areas in the inner world so if parts are angry, they can go to the calm zone, if they are triggered by the outside world or another part they can go to the safe zone or if a part is hurting us and we have given them chances to stop then we might all agree to put them in the lockdown area so the rest of us are safe. At least until they have reflected on why they can't control their behaviour and can ask the rest of us for help. I make sure they all know none of these are punishments for being 'bad'. Just consequences for behaviours that break the charter and safety for all of us. Internal boundaries and us keeping our own feelings in our space is important otherwise we all trigger each other and it is choas. If we have feelings we can't deal with then we bring them to inner meetings and discuss them or at therapy. That's how we originally did it when we had access to our headspace. Now it is a bit more difficult but I still attempt a version of this.
Hope something in that is helpful
@LifeIsMyCanvas Thank you for your reply. It is really helpful - I mean alot of it is what the therapist has said but - Idk - I guess maybe I needed to hear it from someone who's dealt with this too. Trust has been a problem and I know I'm doing alot wrong - I lack alot of compassion for her and I say things I shouldn't. Most of us accept the collective responsibility but she seems to like to cause trouble and if we have meetings - she never shows up to them. Emotions are an issue too and boundaries - tbh - everything is an issue and it is chaotic
I appreciate you taking the time to explain and it gives me some idea's of things to do - changes I/we need to make - and things that really need to be worked on - things I need to do better at
Thank you :)
@mytwistedsoul
Sometimes hearing it from someone else in the same position gives us hope that it can actually be achievable, rather than a theory the counsellor told us! At least until we experience it for ourselves and then we know it can happen for our other parts too.
It sounds like you are already 'selves' aware enough to know what is going on and that is half the battle won! You will get there 