Childhood

TW: SA, Grooming I just want to talk about it I guess. I grew up in a different country that I was born in, so my mum moved my little sister and I away from my entire blood related family (dad, grandparents, etc) when I was 5. She’d always had on and off again relationships until the man she met when I was 9 or 10. He ended up staying with us until 2024. He was like my dad. The first man that stayed with the family (me, mum, sister). I loved him a lot and part of me still does. Then when I was 12 he began touching me sexually. Looking back even before then I believe there were grooming signs. He basically kept doing this until 2024 technically. But he’d buy me extra presents, spend extra time with me, sleep in my bedroom. I know what happened was grooming, I could go into more details but I don’t feel like writing it all. I hate myself because I still care about him and I still love him I know I should hate him. We moved back to my birth country in 2023 and he came with us. He couldn’t hack it so he broke it up with my mum (I should’ve seen it coming, they fought a lot) and moved back to the other country. What stung for me was it was right before my 19th birthday. The whole time I never once told anyone what he did because I wanted to protect him. Idk I feel crazy. Before he left I had massive fight with him and he ended up yelling at me “if anyone has the right to take your virginity it’s me.” My heart dropped but I wasn’t surprised. Before he started the sentence I already knew what he was going to say. Anyway I just wanted to write this down somewhere.