Cnfused, hurt and left with all the pain alone

I'm looking for some encouragement and support because I'm having a really hard time right now.

I was involved with a man I met through an online/class community. We were never officially in a relationship, which is part of why I feel embarrassed about how deeply this affected me. He is also several years younger than me. But despite the lack of an official label, we became extremely emotionally connected. We talked for hours, sometimes late into the night, and I became very attached to him.

Looking back, I recognize a lot of behavior that I now understand as emotionally abusive and controlling. He would tell me to shut up, make me feel small, try to control things I did, and sometimes humiliate me in front of other people. He told me that he "had to hurt me sometimes" and that he liked hurting me because I was nice. He also told me I shouldn't make major decisions without consulting him because I couldn't do certain things myself. There were also many situations where he would be affectionate and intensely engaged with me and then become distant, disappear, or take many hours or almost a day to respond.

He has also talked openly about creating strong emotional attachments with women and about using psychology to make people attached to him. Other women who know him have independently described similar experiences with him, including someone telling me that they believe he trauma bonds women.

I am not trying to diagnose him or make everyone believe me. I'm trying to understand what happened to me and why I became so intensely attached to someone who repeatedly hurt me.

Right now I feel completely torn. I know intellectually that he isn't good for me and that I need distance. I know I deserve relationships where I feel respected, safe, and cared for. But emotionally, I still miss him terribly. Sometimes I feel like I love him and can't imagine being without him, and then I remember the things he said and did and feel angry, disgusted, and heartbroken.

I've been crying a lot and having moments where the grief hits me very suddenly. I'll feel okay for a little while and then something reminds me of him and I completely break down. I'm trying not to contact him, and I've been trying to distance myself from him online and in our class.

The hardest part is that because we were never officially together, I sometimes feel like I don't have the right to call this abuse or to grieve this intensely. But what happened still affected me deeply, and I think I may be dealing with a trauma bond or an unhealthy attachment rather than the healthy love I thought I was experiencing.

I'm trying to leave this behind, but right now I really need encouragement from people who understand emotional abuse and trauma bonds. If anyone has been through something similar, I'd appreciate hearing how you got through the attachment and what helped you stop going back to someone who wasn't good for you.

I don't need judgment about why I stayed. I mostly need reassurance that I'm not stupid, that my feelings don't mean I have to go back, and that it is possible to heal from this.