Denial (is a river in egypt but also really difficult to manage)
First post on here, so I hope it’s alright. Let me know if it’s not a good place. Just wondering about not being alone in the denial spiral of dissociation. I was diagnosed with DID three, almost four years ago, but despite this, the denial hasn’t ever left. Even when talking to therapists or peers, I feel so afraid to open up about parts to the point that we’ve been evading parts work since getting diagnosed.
It becomes clear that we have this, and we’ve reviewed the test results and my symptoms and theyre there for sure, but does the doubt ever leave? I feel like every time I discuss parts, the person Im talking to will just immediately call me out as a liar and I’m just wanting attention. Heck, sometimes even in therapy it feels like theres someone listening into the room who will enter the second I discuss parts and hurt/scrutinize me. So we just shut it down and pretend to be single so that at least were functional
The denial just feels so external and difficult. I want to work to accept myselves and work on this in therapy, but this always happens. Or if I brave talking about it, Im in a spiral for days/weeks after about lying about it or just making it up for attention to the point that parts try to cancel therapy sessions and withdraw from friends. But I promise Im not lying (why would I?? It would be so much easier to not have the amnesia that comes from this, man…), plus Im an awful actor, I feel like someone would’ve actually caught on if I was lying versus just having this feeling.
Has anyone else experienced this? I feel crazy talking about it a bit. Just hoping to not be alone with this feeling. In a way it feels like my brain is trying to stay safe by not doing parts-work, but I need to do it and get better, I just feel so stuck.
@justsee1tomorrow
I'm genuinely sorry to hear that you are struggling.
It can be so difficult trying to take all the information on board all at once.
And constantly learning new things about ourselves.
That's understandably scary.
I admire your efforts to work on and through this.
Wishing you the best moving forward and I hope that anyone going through similar might reach out 💚😊
@justsee1tomorrow Hello, hello and welcome. Denial is very common amongst people with DID. One of the main functions of DID is denial – to allow the person to continue with life, unaware of the extreme abuse that they have suffered, by blocking it out of memory and mind. Even after diagnosis, the denial is often still there. Sometimes it comes and goes. Things can be moving forward, trust is being established between parts, there's communication and something happens that causes the denial to come back.
