Is there something wrong with me?

[T.W. Stalking, Alcoholism, Emotional Abuse]

I've been reflecting on how I go about relationships ever since I was young(8-9) and I noticed a pattern. I have this almost mask that I feel like I have to wear around everyone, family, friends, neighbors. I feel like no matter how hard I try, I cannot have a true connection with people. I feel like everyone is at arms length, and I can cut them off whenever I want..they almost feel disposable. I feel horrible that it reminds me of my father. With the amount of women he brought around me, has made me numb to sex, mistreatment and abuse. I feel like I can't even truly relate to others. Even hearing moaning or kissing is absolutely repulsive. At the same time I feel like I'm overreacting, since he has never physically abused me(he's been close to a few times while drunk)...the thing that started this reflection was my ex breaking up with me two years ago. We were together for roughly four years(11-15), and no matter what we went through we grew and loved each other. We had to deal with long distance, and at first it was wonderful. Calling every day, from morning till night, visits over the weekend, etc. One day they broke up with me, cold turkey. I listened and played a more passive role in the breakup. They processed to block me on everything, and we have absolutely no contact. Now at 17, two years later I am having another obsessive spiral over them. They were my first love, my first trust. My brain just can't get over it, and I want to change. I hate the things I do when I get like this, I had to stop my from stalking their current partners online account. I just feel so ashamed and pathetic...I don't know what to do about it. Sorry for the ramble.