Living outside myself.

I’m not sure if anyone will see this, or if anyone will care. My interpersonal relationships are not very present right now and I’m wading in and out of crisis. (I am not actively in crisis right now).

I’m going to try to be specific without outing my identity.

I’m a survivor multiple times over, starting from the age of 5. An older cousin, she molested me and my older brother. We both repressed the memory until about three or four years ago.

After her, my younger siblings’ father. I was around 11 when that started, and with it came some of the most potent mental manipulation known to man. He told me my mom knew. I don’t know if she really did, but he used that often. Basically he pretended like she didn’t care. He could have what he wanted and she wouldn’t stop him.

I got married young. Too young. Cheated on my husband really early on (because I had no sense of sexual discipline whatsoever, or loyalty for that matter). We stayed together until… I still struggle with acknowledging it for what it is, but since I’m typing and nobody knows who I am, I can speak frankly- we stayed together until he raped me. I woke up drunk in the middle of the night and he was on top of me. We separated for some time… and I suffered. The entire time he was gone all I wanted was him.

To make a horrid story short. We are trying again. I still love him with every ounce of me. I’ve tried to move on from the past. I’m trying actively to move on from the past, it’s controlled me so long. Robbed me of happiness, experiences.

But now it’s all wrong. My mental health goes from slight indifference to heavy ideation on a semi frequent basis now. My husband seems largely indifferent to my presence as a whole, even more so in regards to my mental health struggles. He has his own so I can’t be so mad at him. I just feel alone. So alone. I’m no contact with most of my family, by my choosing, and feel horrendous guilt at the thought of burdening the couple of friends I do have, as I know they have their own issues to handle.

I think just typing out where I am at, forcing myself to visualize my reality as it is, could change a lot. But I’m in need of outside accountability to maintain it. Ideation has stamped out my self discipline.

I pray I see the other side of these dark days. Thank you to anyone who chooses to follow my journey.