Looking for support

I’ve been dealing with ny anxiety since i was a kid, my mom didn’t understood that what i needed was more love and when i started having a problem in the middle of the day when i would took a nap and then i woke up and started crying (this happened for a long time) she actually hit me just to try to stop me from crying, she always made me feel like i need to behave better because if I wasn’t being a good kid my dad would get mad and then he would get mad with her. She constantly make me feel like i needed to walked on eggshells around them to prevent the mood of my dad. I was not able to be a free kid, to share with them a mistake because they treat me as i was an adult and i was conscious of my mistake not as a kid that its learning. She even make us feel like asking for basic stuff like medicines or going to the doctor was something that it will started a problem with my dad and if it was expensive was even worse. She marry a angry man. Not a bad man but one that make her feel miserable every day. And now im struggling with the same problem as my mother and im staying in a relationship that makes me feel miserable, we have been together for 9 years now and he has not changed a bit, at first i thought it was his problem with alcohol what makes him act like that but when he stopped drinking he actually became even worst. He’s very manipulative and make me feel guilty for his rage, he makes me feel guilty just asking for the minimum like 3 foods in a day, taking my work schedules in consideration, or simply just having intimacy that does not finish in sexual intercourse, but he was able to get all the alcohol he wanted, spend all the money he wants but he wants to control my money, my frie’ds, who i talk to, everytime i go out i have to send him my location. Its a lot and I know this is generational trauma but im feeling lost, ashamed , guilty for staying in this relationship but i cant find the strength to leave him. If you have gone through something similar pls let me know how did you manage all the fears and anxiety of dealing with generational trauma?