MY Smoke and Mirrors

Most survivors in WW2 concentration camps were not there. As torturous things were done to them and their loved ones, they were like magicians hiding somewhere else. Away in a world they mind crafted to bare the unbearable kept them alive. Like those delusional optimistic people, I find the hidden latch to the mystical escape door 40 years ago and continue to visit often.

When I was in the womb as a baby, my mom was very anxious. She lost my older brother less than a year ago as a still born. My mom claims she was not anxious at all but the opposite, however her personality and reminiscing on my brother's death to this day shows otherwise.

They say babies are up for 15 minutes and sleep 45 in the womb as they developed. My mom says I was up 45 and slept 15. And when I was up, I was UP! One of my psychological trauma therapists think my mom and her anxiety had me on high alert in there. Not aware of what "false danger" my mom and I were going through and no way to help. I keep myself on edge.

After I was born, God already gave me a sensitive personality and a high spirited to begin with, add the trauma I went through in utero, I would be even more "too much" as a baby and young child. Crying all the time. Getting triggered on small things, with no hope for comfort. My parent and caregivers tried their best, but they knew very little on mental health back in the mid 80s when I was very young. Also, my parents were older and were already tired before the game even started. The cards were stacked agents me already.

Since I was not able to regulate and my family and caregivers where not able to co - regulate with me, I went inward to a world I made up. Where all the negative things of reality where gone. 

I went into school with this world. Not paying attention to my lessons and would even interrupt the teacher with my daydreams. Making my classmates and teachers alike abuse me. It hurt, but my mind boxed it up and went back into its world while my body kept the score. 

Years later, as a teen starting high school, my mind couldn't handle it anymore. It opened up to reality for what was probably one of the real longest first times my whole life. Highschool was boring and NOTHING like on tv! So, I got depressed. And my "mental illness" developed. I Slept. I wouldn't wake up to go to school. And I would end up dropping out at the age of 16. 

As I went to college, I was happy for the first time in a long time. Reality was better than my world I made up! So, most of the time I stayed in reality and out of my mind. Occasionally dipping into either my fantasy when times got rough, or making it worse with tastes of my past and the body retelling its story. Those story times were too much, and I would always revert back to psychology for answers. Meds. Therapies. The culture of mental health. Somewhere where I was accepted and welcomed. It was a reality I could deal with. But nothing was as good as my land in my mind. 

Meds didn't bring me back into reality like you would think they would. Instead, it took away the pain reality did for me. Just the pain. It was nice. Until I had to change meds because the high didn't last long and I would be thrust into reality like a polar plunge challenge in the winter. I kept myself drugged with the meds my psych doctor would give me. Experiencing both worlds at its best. Until now. 

I thought I wanted to be in reality. I thought this is what "normal people" live like. If it is, I don't know if I want to be normal. I see this survival skill my unborn self-gave me. I feel it's a gift. I am not just able to make my life joyful but bring others into this world I made up. They then get to escape their reality that they were in all their lives to experience my world where they can breathe. I like this about me. Why would I want to change it to be like everyone else. Miserable. Hurting. 

So, if you see me smiling after I got misunderstood and harassed in the chatroom for something taken the wrong way, or even after I have been sawed in half at a magic show, know that I am okay. Not just physically but mentally too..... chilling in a universe where rainbows and rabbits, sparks of fancy lights are, and where not just I, but my audience are continuously asking for more.