My deepest secret 😕😔

Hi everyone,

I am a teenager, and I am reaching out because I am stuck in a severe loop of guilt and shame over things that happened when I was a child. It has gotten so heavy that it is affecting my daily life and made me stop my passion, which is MMA training.

When I was around 5 years old, I had accidental, early exposure to mature content online that completely confused my toddler brain. Because of that confusion, I repeatedly asked my older aunts and cousins (who were a lot older than me) about it and threw tantrums out of childhood fixation. I only ever stopped at the very surface level because I was just a little child and didn't actually know what I was doing or what it meant.

Later, when I was 9 or 10 years old, we were indoors in a very small house with my maternal cousin sister during hot summer days. Out of intense boredom and curiosity, I thought about doing physical exploration and asked her. She refused at first, but later agreed, and we started doing that. We ended up doing it 4 or 5 times on different dates before it stopped completely.

I have since grown up, realized how wrong it was, felt deep remorse, and have sincerely apologized to my cousin sister two separate times.

Even though it stopped years ago, I have apologized, and I am committed to being a good, deeply respectful person today, my mind keeps hyper-focusing on the details. It constantly labels me as blameable and plays the memories on repeat. I am looking for a safe, judgment-free space to talk through this so I can finally forgive myself, let the past go, and get back to my life and MMA.I FEEL VERY SHAMEFUL OF DOIN THAT 😞 🥺

Thank you for listening.