My life

I've been through a lot. It started when I was 4 years old. At the age of 4, I lost my great-aunt, who I was really close to. A few months later, a week after my birthday, my great-grandma passed away; almost 3 weeks after that, my uncle was murdered by his best friend, all this within 5 months. My uncle being murdered topped it off, and that's where my trauma started. After my uncle was killed, we had his funeral, and then I couldn't go up there to see his body cause he was like a dad to me, and someone that young shouldn't see the one person who loved him like that. That same year, my sister pushed me off the bed, and I ended up with a broken arm. Then I lost some more people between the ages of 5 and 7. Then at a skate park across the street from where I grew up, I was being bullied by teens, and one of them pulled a knife on me. Then my aunt and my uncle, who was murdered, his widowed fiancée got into a physical fight; I got thrown into a hardwood table by them. Also, growing up, my entire life, my family bullied me. I was hung on ceiling fans and hooks on a door as a form of punishment. My mom also threatened to call the cops on me for anything and everything. As I was arguing with someone, I was told, "You better stop before I call the cops." She also always thought I was lying when telling the truth cause I'm the kid she's always hated the most, and she threatened to call the cops on me for that too. She also threatened to smash my video game cause stuff my brother did, but he didn't get in trouble for it; I did. Then I couldn't play outside games without having the cops called on me cause we would play hide n seek and I hid for hours cause no one cared to find me. Then at some point in life I lost 20 people within a couple years, and then at a wedding after party guns were pulled on my cousin cause a vice lord thought my cousin was one of his opps. I had an anxiety attack and a panic attack at the same time cause I have a huge fear of losing people. Like, anytime something goes on where someone died or could have died, I have panic and anxiety attacks, thinking it's someone I know, and most of the time it is. Then my mom yelled at me for having the panic attack and anxiety attack cause I was scared that my cousin was killed or shot I didn't know what was going on cops were their for 4 hours and the entire time my cousin's friend Carol comforted me helping me through the anxiety and panic attack it never worked cause when I started doing better then I put myself in another one. Then, after everything was over and I saw my cousin, I was okay. We went outside, took photos with my cousin, his friends, and me. Then, 2 months later, I lost 9 people in 1 month. Then, on November 1st, I lost a friend who was in the photo at the wedding after-party situation; he committed suicide. Then I lost 4 more friends after him: 1 in June one in July one in January, and one in April. The last 2 were in the same year; the first 2 were a year apart. The one in June was my best friend. During all of this, my mom wouldn't let me go to any of their funerals. The youngest one of my friends I lost was 12, and the oldest out of all the people who died young, which is 6 people the oldest was 22, that being my friend who killed himself. During all of this, I faced constant screaming, bashing, and bullying from my entire family. Then I started wrestling to take my anger out on people. Then, at every meet, my mom showed up to bash me cause on the car ride home she would tell me how much I suck. Then last meet of the year, my knee dislocated and she tried not to take me to the hospital until the school made her. Then I got yelled at for the school making her take me to a hospital. Then my mom made me do everything for myself when the hospital said not to lift too much or walk too much, and I had to sleep on a top bed with no ladder, so I had to jump up and down every time, putting me through more pain. Then later that year I got diagnosed with scoliosis; my sister finds out and tells me I don't have it cause hers was worse. Then every time I say my back hurts or that I have back issues cause I do, my sister says I don't have anything to cause my back to hurt, and I don't have back issues. Then I am like a slave in my own house; I have to do everything while my brothers, sisters, and dad sit all day. Then I get into arguments with my brother; my mom tells me to stop talking to her son that way. Like I'm not her kid, too. Then I get threatened by her to get my face and everything I own cause I took a nap. Then I lose more people; at this point I'm at around 30-something people. Then I lose my aunt, who was like a grandma to me, and I get told while in school, so I am crying the whole day. My teachers cared more than my own family. I lost another friend right before his 21st birthday. Then my mom won't let me go to his funeral. Then I got yelled at more and more for God knows what cause I don't. Then my 16 year old cousin attempts to kill herself, so I have panic and anxiety attacks all day. Then my other 16 year old cousin dies cause he was with his gang member cousins, and the innocent kid gets killed while the other walks without getting hit at all. Then I get yelled at more for eating food and making food without permission. Then I get a job cause I'm 18. I work and get yelled at everyday cause my mom thinks we'll lose food stamps; we make less than 20 thousand a year for a 5 person house hold. Then I work all the time cause my mom tells me I have to pay for driving school cause she doesn't want to teach me when she taught my 2 sisters and teaches my brother. Then she tells me her reason is that I'm not teachable when I never almost crashed or never crashed, when I parallel parked perfectly, I was never taught how to. Then she tells me I'm going to have to quit my job cause she thinks I work too much cause I pick up shifts cause I have to pay for groceries, rent, my phone bill, driving school, and I have to save for a car. While my sister, who is a nurse, gets paid way more than me and only pays for her car insurance, which my mom pays half of. I also get bullied for being alt and for listening to pop punk, metalcore, nu metal, heavy metal, heavy rock, and rock. I graduate this year and get told I can't have the theme maroon and black cause my twin brother doesn't want it to look emo. Also, I was S/Ad and raped by a male family member when I was 12, 5 times. Each time it started with being S/Ad, then turned into rape. I am also a male. Overall I lost somewhere around 40 people or more then that it's hard to keep count.