New to group & confused

May Trigger:  mention of abuse and past suicide attempt.

I have never had an easy life, the very people who were supposed to love me unconditionally left me feeling love was based on conditions. My mother became disabled when I was four and I became her carer effectively ending my childhood. I had a younger sister to look after too.

My Uncle D seemed to hate me for no apparent reason, I vividly remember this as early as eight. When i was twelve my Auntie J blamed me for involving my grandma when her stepson physically attacked me I remember been punished but he was not which came as quite a shock because she had been a great auntie until then.

By sixteen I was a mess severely depressed and put on antidepressants, by eighteen I had made my first serious suicide attempt leaving scars on my wrists I still have today. Age nineteen my mother passed away and my sister didn't want to stay in the house so we were facing homelessness until Auntie L married to the uncle who hated me took us in. This was not a good move, my sister ended up in a hostel and I was treated like cinderella, blamed for their subsequent divorce and emotionally abused at every turn.

My relationship with Auntie J fared no better, she had a new partner by then who didn't want her doing anything for her family and even accused me of been a thief when the truth came out it was that partners daughter who had been stealing I got no apology.

In fact despite been my so called families doormat for twenty years to hear them tell it I'm bad to the core, a drunk, someone who spends all my grans money and never has amounted to anything.

Once I escaped that house I needed to regroup and decide what to do next. I felt in a better situation I had my own home a part time job a better relationship with my sister and i signed up for university.

Unfortunately my physical health took a turn and I ended up with very severe arthritis. This as limited any semblance of normal. I couldn't work or study and I definitely couldn't do things that most people take for granted like getting dressed or taking a shower without pain.

I did meet the love of my life and we had a happy few years but after several miscarriages he started using drugs to cope and I struggled trying to help him get clean all thought of starting a family forgotten as I wasn't bringing a child into that situation. After several more years during which i suffered emotional & financial abuse I considered taking my own life again. It was him or me. I chose me. He however didn't take it well and kept coming to my home and when I tried to get help from the police I was left even more confused. Abused or not abused they couldn't make up their mind and so couldn't seem to help. Because there was never any physical violence no one could seem to agree what constituted domestic abuse. I now have PTSD and anxiety to add to my other issues. I know the fear nightmares and various symptoms are very real but am I a domestic abuse survivor or just a survivor even I can't decide. No one knows the true nature of those years or the scars they have left but me.