One of the most traumatic things I went through

(Trigger warning: The message contains topics about sexual harrassment. Kindly avoid reading if you're sensitive to it )

One day my grandfather(mom's side) came to our huse just to meet us. It was a normal day. Suddenly my mom had some small quick work to do so she went outside for I think around 15-20mins. She went somewhere nearby. I remember I was 8-9 years old and alone with my grandfather. We were sitting inside of the house and then he took me in the garden of our house. Then he slipped his hand inside of my dress and started to rub his hand against my chest.... As a 8-9 year old girl, I had bo idea what was he doing. I was scared but didn't onow what to do. He kept doing what he wanted and then he was just roaming around my house along with me.

Since childhood, whenever I've tried to speak regarding anything, i've been told to shut off my emotions. My emotions were always invalidated. So my body has a coping mechanism of numbing. I feel pain for hardly 2-3mins and then I get numb. And after this grandfather incident, I got numb as well. And it didn't bother me as it should've.

I realised it until I was 14 and was completely disturbed. I tried to speak to my mother and she didn't even bother and try to listen. She just shut me up. And I also came to know that before me, my cousins were the victims of my grandfather as well and of course my mom knew it. But even after knowing that what kind of a man his father is, she still left me alone with him when I was 9....

And when I was 13. I went to a crowded market. And somebody slid his hand in between my legs 3-4 times and I wasn't albe to catch him as it was too crowded and he was quick. And to get out from there, I had to come out the crow as well. I was triying to get out but i was still in crowd while trying to get out. It was a traumatic experience as well. After that I never went to that market. But once I had to purchase unigorm for me in the school so I went to very less crowded market. I was fully covered and cautious about it.. But it still happened.... Idk how and again i wasn't able to catch that person

So at the age of 13 I was just sitting in my room. And I don't remember why but I went down stairs for food or something. And my uncle(my mom's sister's husband) came there and he was just sitting. I sat with my mom. He told my mother that your daughter (me) is grown up(he was objectifying and sexualising me). He told me to get up because he wanted to see how much big I have gotten... And my mother was sitting there.. I had no idea of what were his intentions. + My mother was there aswell so I didn't think of it the other way. So I got up. I just thought that he was just an adult how saw me as a kid and now he's kinda surprised about how much I have grown... Stupid me... And my mother was silent and did nothing... But now at almost 15, I am realising the real meaning of his words and I am disgusted.

One day, at 13+, almost 14... I was walking with my mom on the road and a guy stopped and talked with me mother. It was a normal greeting like "hello" and "how are you?" It was just a neighbourhood guy my mom knew but i didn't knew him. He talked to me infront of my mom very politely. I thought he's just a nice guy that my mom knows. I had no suspicions of him. He I got big because he saw me when i was just a kid. Again my mom was standing still, her being with me and standing still while he was obejectifying and sexualizing me(which I was not aware of). Then he pulled in for a hand shake and I juat shaked his hand. Then he pulled me towards him and presses me against him and hugged me tightly. I was so shocked and I kinda froze. I couldn't process what was happening... And my mom who lnew everything and was watching and standing still....woahhh...

I realised and came to my senses when he walked away. I was just standing still for for like 10 seconds there. Then while walking to home I told my mom about what was the disgusting thing he did and why didn't she say something.... I was so frustrated, angry and hurt that day... Then I realised that he hugged me so tight that the fragrance he was wearing transferred to my clothes and I couldn't tolerate that smell...

My parents are very invalidating and they just shut me up(mostly my mom). I never tried to to talk to my father because he's himself a pervert and harasses women.... And my mom whom I tried to talk to and she never showed any genuine interest...

Now at almost 15, I looked at all the traumas of my childhood and now I decided to earn some money and get therapy when I make money as I am just 15. + I can't ask my parents for therapy because they simply will not understand why I need it... And now I was quite good at focusing on myself, which i wasn't before. Now everything was going well and now I was on track after tryinv very hard. But suddendly, 1 day ago, I got a dream. In which my grandfather was touching me inappropriately. I woke up in the middlw of the night. I was so disturbed. And in the morning I skipped school. That day was a whole mess. I was trying to uplift myself but I just felt badder... I just kept crying. The next day I went to school. I tried to stay happy and distract myself in studies and in talking with my other classmates.. But I kinda felt the sadness inside me. I was very sensitive the whole day. After way back home in my school bus, I felt down. Then I came back home and locked myself in my room and was searing for support like therapy on internet. I couldn't find one to which I could have any access to. I tried reaching out to at leat 4-5 helplines but they weren't responding. So I joined 7 cups.... I really have big goals and dreams. I don't really want to live like a victim my whole life cuz i don't deserve it. I want to heal and I was trying to. Sleeping was my hardest task of all. I was now just begging to do that and I had that dream. Since that dream, I am sleeping very late. And this I am typing at late night as well...