Overcoming an abusive relationship (it's long! )

Hi 7cups community,

I am here seeking help in recovering from an abusive relationship. I left my abuser back in December of 2024, and unfortunately, my life has been turbulent ever since. I was with this guy for 7 months- the first 4 months were pretty good before the abuse started. I was 30 at the time and he was 34, and our birthdays were just 6 days apart. We became very attached to each other very quickly. We had a very intense physical and emotional connection from the very first date. He love-bombed me pretty well, and I was enjoying it all, since it had been several years since any man made me feel loved like that. 

When the abuse started, I felt almost in disbelief. I couldn't believe this man I grew to love was disrespecting me, calling me names, grabbing my wrist, smacking me on the head. The very first time he put hands on me, he also cornered me while I was in the bathroom and then grabbed my neck and threw me down on the bed, I was crying asking him to stop. Over the next 2 months, there were several more incidents including physical violence, although the mental and emotional abuse (especially in the last month) were much more frequent and draining. I would be laying in bed next to him thinking to myself ,"what am I doing". I tried breaking up with him several times, but he always convinced me to give him another chance, since he just "needed more time" to get better. I kept hanging on to some hope that things would go back to how they were at the beginning, since I didn't want to give up that "love", since the good times were just so good. 

I finally left him after a very savage attack, when he was drinking too much and was sitting behind me in the car, grabbed my face with both of his hands and dug his nails in my eyes, and scratched my face all the way down to my neck. I've never been a violent person, so this was the first time I've ever been attacked. His friend was there to get him off of me, but I remember screaming and running out of the car, and into the gas station to tell them to lock the door as he was coming after me. I looked at myself in the bathroom mirror and saw my right eye bruised and hemorrhaged (I couldn't open it for 3 days) my left eye scratched, blood coming down one cut from my right cheek, and some other cuts on my face and neck. I also remember he also somehow was pulling my hair so hard I felt like I was going to have a bald spot. I couldn't believe I was looking at myself. I couldn't believe HE had done that to me. The violence was never to that capacity, although I should've seen it coming.

I didn't want him to go to jail, so I just packed all my stuff and was released from my apartment lease in 10 days. I left the state, although he was still making face accounts sending me threats, also trying to get me back. I put a restraining order on him 2 months later. I didn't hear from him until 2 months after that, when he made another fake account to add me, telling me it's not fair what happened to us, that he never meant to hurt me, that I gave him love he never had before, yada yada. We had a 2 hour conversation where we both cried ,and yet again (at some point during that call) I saw that same demon in his eyes that haunted me while we were together , and reminded me of why I left him. 

Fast forward, it has been a whole year and 2 months since I left him, but sometimes I still find myself missing him, missing the good times, wishing I could feel that love again. Although I find my happiness in small things, I always felt some comfort with him that I didn't feel from anything else, so I still crave it because I haven't had it since.  My life had been turbulent since I left him because I was unemployed and basically homeless for about 5 months, I started a whole new career that stressed me out, and I just continued having one storm after the other, and still do to this day. Even though I've made a better life for myself now, these feelings and turbulent times have left me feeling like my life is just a bad dream I am waiting to wake up from. I did not get intimate with anyone else until 9 months after the breakup, and didn't try dating again until a whole year had passed, with no luck. I assume that's another reason why I still feel this trauma bond so deeply. 

However, I do not want to spend any time looking for a replacement. I am seeking to heal myself completely from this mess- I do want to think about this guy, cry for him, miss him, or have any more feelings toward him, once and for all. I believe I will never truly be at peace until I can accomplish that. Please help 😪