Sharing my little story with yall.
Hello everyone, I joined this website yesterday because I'm finally trying to get this off my chest. I'll be so grateful If you care to read this.
English isn't my first language so excuse my grammar.
TW: mention of abuse/trauma.
Im the only girl in my family and i have 3 brothers. Before several years I got abused multiple times by my father, that time I was like 11 years old and no one tried to help. I was punched, chokd, slapped, and yelled at. my mother was there but she had never defensed me or tried to stop my father about.
after I started growing up, my father stopped hitting me because my body became like a woman's body and he didn't see me as a dumb kid anymore, but he kept saying very mean things to me And he still does. Years have passed since what happened, and my father is treating me better now, but I am still stuck in the past suffering from ptsd. I've been going through emotional numbness since 7 months, it's too hard because I can't feel anything anymore and im forced to fake everything so i dont get hated by my friends and family. Im faking my emotions, my thoughts, my actions, almsot everything. I feel disconnected from myself and the life in general, i dont feel alive and i dont know how to deal with everything anymore.
I appreciate your staying this far. I would be happy to hear any similar experiences or advices, thanks for reading!
I posted this twice because I didn't get replies.
I'm feeling bad because I'm ghosting everyone including my best friend. I'm too tired to reply to her even tho she is so supportive and kind but I just need rest and I don't think she will get that. I'm ashamed of the fact that I lie alot to her because I don't wanna hurt her. She always gives me love but it too hard to receive it and give it back to her, I love her but I wanna be alone. I feel terribly sorry for her because she doesn't really know me, half of what she knows are lies. This feels frustrating.
Tw
I also forgot to mention that we moved to a new house before 2 years, I thought that would be a way to open a clear page with myself and my family but I was wrong. I realized that I'm stuck in my own jail, moving to a new house was never a solution.
I still suffer from pstd/ c-ptsd to this day
which is killing me everyday. I don't know
what's the point of living if I don't feel
alive. My body is a human living body but my soul is literally dead.
I hate the fact that the older I get the more I find out that I'm acting like my parents. I don't want to be like them at all! This f**king s*cks and i cant control it. I feel helpless, Im a true bad person.
Idk why there're huge spaces between the sentences it looks bad
I'm going to high school in a few weeks, my mental health is in a terrible condition and everyone are threatening me if I don't get 100% they will literally ruin my life (its already ruined lol) .
Ya Allah please mercy me I'm literally so done with everything. when will I be able to travel to Japan and chill there peacefully. 🫥
I guess I'll make this my little vent space
@sebb228 Hey :) I'm glad your father doesn't hit you anymore but I'm sorry for the things he still says. Sometimes the verbal abuse can be worse than the physical abuse because the wounds are invisible and harder to heal
PTSD and cptsd usually needs a safe place to be able to unpack it all. I'm going to guess and say that your parents would probably not be too willing to take you to a therapist? Do you have a safe adult you could talk to about how you're feeling? Tbh you sound depressed but I don't want to assume. Depression is a common thing with childhood trauma unfortunately. Along with anxiety too and a whole list of other possibilities. Childhood trauma sucks tbh
I wish I knew what to tell you about your friend. I struggle with isolating too. Your friend sounds like she genuinely cares about you but I totally understand the little lies to keep her from being hurt. Especially when all you want is to be alone but sometimes when you're alone - that alone ness is almost painful and smothering
If you recognize that you're acting like your parents you can change it. It's not easy but being aware that you're doing it is half the battle
School doesn't sound like something to be looked forward to with that kind of pressure. Holy moly. It sounds awful harsh to ruin your life because of grades and like you said - if your mental health is bad it makes it harder to focus on school work
These are nice places to vent :) I really hope things get better for you and that you start on the path towards healing
OMG you're sooo sweett for writing all this I'm soo thankful!! 💗💗
Yeah you get it, I can forget the pain of the physical abuse but it's harder to heal from what they say, but don't worry I have learnt to deal with all this and things are getting better in the present.
Well, I've been thinking to tell my parents about that, they are actually caring. They have made so many mistakes in the past but they are not bad parents. If I decide to tell them that I need a therapist because im i don't feel okay, they will think seriously about it because they're already commenting about my behavior. (The call me emotionless lol). They say it as a joke but if I mention it to them I'm sure they'll take it seriously. I don't really know if I have depression or not but yeah I don't wanna overthink about it.
You're already telling me enough! The fact that you spent time writing this makes me so happy. I'm glad that you understand , it makes me feel less weird🫶.
Yeah, I'm really trying and I'll keep trying. I have some issues in dealing with my anger but I'm controlling it with time.
I kinda over described that. its not a literal 'ruin my life' but it's that kind of deep threats.
You're right, that's why I'm trying to improve my mental health Currently and i hope I can do so, because my grades in highschool are so important and I need to get good grades for my own sake.
Thank you so much, i really appreciate it.
your reply is what I needed and I'm literally feeling much better! I hope you always stay happy and healthy. Take care of yourself!💝💝
@sebb228 I'm so glad things are getting better for you! It's great that you can tell them and they take you seriously and understand. I think a lot of parents make mistakes but the fact that they care says alot
When I feel ready I'll tell them to take to a therapist, I'm sure it will help alot.
I'm proud of you too!🫶
@sebb228
Hey girl, thanks for sharing your story. I must say you are really brave to stand here to recover. You are not alone and after reading your story, I feel you have been living the same exact life of mine. Life with ptsd, bipolar, mdd and anxiety really sucks. The world doesn't percieve the depersonalization and numbness as we experience. You have got friends here to back you up. You are not alone. Sending you lots of hugs and wishes.
Ps- i almost hid my depression from my friend for two years, but believe me getting to remove the fake mask is all worth it🙂
I'm sorry that you had to go through all that too, I hope you're doing well! I don't regret joining this website, there are so many great people here.
Its great that you managed to be honest with them. I'll do that one day too, thanks and have a nice day!💖
@sebb228
I'm sorry for what you went through. Hope you'll get through your PTSD soon. Take care and be brave (:
Im sure I'll, take care too! 🫶
@sebb228
Hello everyone, I'm @sebb228, the same person who posted this. As you can see, if you tried to check my account you'll see that it's removed, my account got banned because I'm a teen, and I logged in as an adult so it got banned after a Community leader contacted with me to ask about my age that was written in my bio, my account was banned minutes after I confirmed my age. So yeah, I'm very disappointed to be honest, but i dont have energy to start again here. I just made this acc so I can inform whoever gonna check my post.
It was nice to use this app. Thanks for everyone who helped me here, I'm gonna Log out of this account and leave the app, I might come back whenever I need someone to listen to me or to check my threads in the future. That's it! Stay happy and healthy yall, I'll try to be happier and take care of myself. 💗💗
I had wondered what happened. I never knew they would ban an account over that. I thought they just switched it over or something. I understand there's rules but banning the account just seems harsh
We're here for you if a time comes that you need some friends or just someone to listen ❤️ I wish you all the best in life - you deserve it!
@mytwistedsoul
Hey there! I suddenly remembered this website and decided to check it. I want to tell you that you're a beautiful person with a sweet soul, I hope you all the best.
I also wanted to tell you that I'm doing absolutely great in school! Everything is going so well I'm real glad
@Itswhatits Omgosh! It's so great to see you see you again! I'm so glad that school is going great and that everything is going well!
@mytwistedsoul
You're very welcome!
Thank you! I genuinely hope the same for you too🫶!
Dear @sebb228,
Thank you for reaching out again. I can imagine that was not easy, since the first post you send out, did'nt get any replies.
I'm sorry that you had to go through these traumatic events as a child. That never should have happened.
You say that you experience a feeling of nothingness, as if you are not really there. And as a result of that you have to pretend to those around you. That must be tiring.
I do recognize that feeling and I do know that a lot of people with a traumatic past at some point experience a period where they don't feel their feelings well or not at all. And however it is not something we like, it maybe also is or was functional to some degree.
I hope at least you feel you are not alone.
We will be here to listen. ❤️
@Essy1990
Hello! I'm @sebb228 but from different acc
Thank you so much for your nice words and understanding, I'm glad the world still has such nice people like you and the others.
I'm really getting better over time, also my emotions are slowly coming back and it's now easier to cry and express my feelings.
With all the nice people I met, I'm definitely not feeling lonely 🤍
