Sharing my story??

TW: CSA/grooming/physical, verbal, domestic and emotional abuse

Ever since I was four years old I always daydreamed about the weirdest and most fetish things ever. I don’t want to mention details as I feel sick just thinking about sharing it. My parents weren’t the best and my father used to always -abuse my mother in the most gruesome ways possible in front of me and my sibling….my mother ended up becoming my abuser and she used to abuse me every single day. There was no freedom at all (only time where I could be free from being constantly hit was during Thursdays.) THIS continued on and on and she even gave me an eye injury that left me hospitalized for weeks when I was 7 or 8 years old just for struggling with a school project. At that time I got exposed to more sexual content online and even dated people way older than me and pretended to be 13. One of them was a 19 year old man who I don’t know if he was rlly an adult or just faking his age. Another one was 15, and the rest of them were older kids around 12-14. I had no friends growing up so I just used the internet as a form of coping. That was a big STUPID MISTAKE. I wish this was the only thing I can add here but many caregivers made me uncomfortable and I still don’t know if what they did was considered SA. Like when I was 7 years old, one adult kept running her hands on my body while showering me. Maybe that memory was a dream??? It made me feel uncomfortable and I remember telling her not to since it felt really weird, I don’t know if she stopped since my memory is fragmented BUT there was a chance that she didn’t. Another one taught me how to clean down there in a way that was extremely inappropriate. Even my mom noticed and she said “Who taught you to do that?”.

I’m probably going to delete this later, but I’m kind of better now as a teen no one is abusing me anymore, and my parents are surprisingly gentle. But I’m still struggling a lot mentally and I feel scared to reach out to people irl.