Struggling

I'm afraid to admit how much I'm struggling because asking for help has led to losing connections with people, feeling more alone, and experiencing even more trauma. So I keep pretending and getting by, trying to be strong enough to handle everything I've suppressed. I'm exhausted and losing grip of everything. I keep trying to improve my life to become someone I can be proud of, (or at least that my mom will respect) or live a life that's worth living but I still hate who I am. Keeping myself inside isn't enough.

No matter what I try, I always find more flaws in myself than in others. I don't know which direction to take in my life right now and I'm terrified I'll make the wrong decision like I always do. I've felt dead inside for decades and like I wasn't even supposed to meet this age.

I feel like I have to prove I'm worth caring about by pushing myself harder and harder, but I always end up breaking myself in the process. I'm afraid of being too much, disappointing everyone, and never actually being enough all at the same time. I've felt different from everyone else my whole life, and since my family doesn't understand me, it makes me and others believe that something is fundamentally wrong with me. They keep their distance when I'm around so I moved far to not be around.

I just want to be somewhere else or nowhere. I'm not very religious but there's gotta be more than this life. When I can, I imagine what that might be like, just for a moment to not feel this pain, and is it worth walking into traffic for?

I'm tired of trying so hard to feel better only to end up in the same place, ashamed, anxious, and alone. I know I can improve my skills and my circumstances, but I'm exhausted by the fact that the pain and shame just piles up and never seems to go away. There is no home to settle in. I just want to be someone else. Being alive feels like being on fire (or worse) and I wish I could just put it out. I feel like that's what I need. Like it's what is best for me but I "know it's not" or so they say.