(TW) Everything Everywhere All At Once... Sensory and Life Overload
I know I only tend to post silly or thought-provoking stuff, and nothing really about me, so this feels out of character in a way… But I guess I should post this.
I am… a trainwreck. I’m in the dark depths of a MAJOR mental health crisis… I put on a mask (figuratively and sometimes physically), trying to hide my emotions. I have deep depression, stemming from multiple kinds of abuse and neglect. I’ve been mistreated by men (and physically hurt by one). I lost both my birthdad and my stepdad in the past year; they were the ones who abused and neglected me, and I didn’t really know how to feel when they died. I am my mom’s caretaker, and have been since I was a child… I know the inside of hospitals way too well. I became numb and apathetic to protect myself from the deep panic attacks that ensued on her worst nights… I always feel like I’m never enough for anyone, and yet I’m also always too much for people. I’m too emotional, too needy, too loving, too detached, too talkative, too quiet, too intense, too lazy, too… everything. I crave love and yet I feel unworthy of love for many reasons. My ex left me the night we went to pre-premarital counseling. It broke me and I gave up on true love. I’ve been dealing with MAJOR sensory overload and overwhelm lately, too many thoughts and emotions and numbness and longing and loneliness… I also deal with things too deep to mention publicly.
I just want to feel worthy and loved… To know I make a difference. To know it’s ok to rest. To know others struggle with what I struggle with. I just want to be seen. Known. Loved. Wanted…
@jesusredeemedme2425 Hey :) Can I say how Incredibly proud I am if you right now? It takes a lot of courage to admit that you're struggling
@mytwistedsoul
Awww thank you… I wish more people told me they were proud of me <3
I think hiding the pain sometimes feels worse than the pain. But mostly… The pain hurts like heck. The numbness comes in clutch with protecting me… But it’s not a good thing overall and it makes me not care about things I should care about.
I didn’t get to see either one before they died. I got closure with my dad before he died… He called me once.. I almost ignored the call. I wasn’t in the mood. He died a matter of days after that… I have to live with the guilt and pain that I almost missed my last phone call with my father before he died… Simply because I didn’t feel like answering. That thought hounds me…
Maybe it’s like… I’m an adult and I shouldn’t be this overwhelmed and emotional. So I plaster on a smile and lie every time I say I’m ok. I don’t want people to know how deeply I’m hurting… What I’m struggling with…
I think part of the problem is just that… People always admiring how “strong” I am. My family and I were homeless less than a decade ago, then my parents got divorced, then my mom and I were homeless again. People always told me how strong I was for enduring the insanity of homelessness. I think it made for an unspoken, impossible standard: Keep up that persona of constantly being strong, even when you’re dying inside. That has broken me so much over the years…
Do I really make a difference here? I just make a lot of goofy posts…
I haven’t found a counselor yet. My last one had anger issues. I’m not particularly keen on therapists… Because of her and others that I just didn’t mesh with well enough.
I try to do self-care… Art and self-led learning and movies and 7Cups and such… But it all feels meaningless. Everything feels meaningless…
I feel like I never do enough, even when I have mental health rest days. I feel the constant urge to be productive, even though what I REALLY need is to rest and regroup and get my bearings… I forgot how to rest. For that matter, I forgot how to have fun. I legitimately don’t know how to really have fun anymore, beyond hanging out with friends and reading (which is hard to focus on because my ADD has gotten so much worse lately). I default to my phone because IDK what to do that’s fun anymore.
I just want “me” back. The me I was when I was 4… Happy and healthy and free from mental illness. The me I want to be… She’s still there. I just need to find her again. <3
@jesusredeemedme2425 I think it hurts more too. It feels like you're denying the things you went through. And you're right about the numbness. It can help protect us when we're overwhelmed but it comes at a cost - not caring about anything
@jesusredeemedme2425 , Hello , I had joined cups only a few days ago. I got to come across few forum posts you made . It's clear as a day that you post thought provoking posts. When I was in a really bad mood lately , I went to your profile and tried to answer each of your queries to calm myself. I have never typed out an answer , I will try to , next time . I am not sure if anyone does that. But I am certain that for many of us here , your posts are one way to find happiness during there day. Please don't be under the impression that it's silly
@Dirtshine
Awww thank you! <3
Please join in the conversations! We'd love to have you <3
@jesusredeemedme2425 , thanks 😄
@jesusredeemedme2425
you are normal if not exceptionally resilient and perfect and defenetly neither too much nor too less . You have been taking care of your mom since when you were a child yourself , how many adults do that ?? And you do all that , while you are fighting your own battles that's obviously hurt you .
All of us wants to feel seen appreciated and loved . And good people like you deserve it . You deserve to have people around you , whom you can lean , whenever you are too emotional . Who would listen to to you when you want to be talkative and talk ones ears off about your thoughts or anything that spikes your interest. Even the worst kind of people deserve that safety net. But life doesn't work strictly on who deserves what. And one ends up having to shield or numb there self , so nobody's betrayal would hurt them too bad . If you do that sometimes , you Clearly have your reasons for it. Try not to shoulder any blame for that .
You are free to post anything here , as long as it isn't offensive. But I hope you can also remind yourself , that all shades of you are welcome here. You don't need to only share certain parts of who you are unless you want it that way . Aaand you are so much more than a trainwreck. Any person with two functioning braincells can see it through your post itself. But has I been the one in your shoes, , I wouldn't . It's too hard to see the good when life treats you horribly .
@jesusredeemedme2425 in our darkest times, all we need is to know we are loved, seen and heard, that's the best thing anyone can do for us. You come here full of love, fun and empathy, I'm glad you reached out when you need support too ❤first of all a big Thank you for being a carer for your mum. It's not easy but thankyou, your a hero, I really mean that ❤ your a very special friend to have, and I have become very find of you ❤ many of us here have ❤ mental health is not easy😥 so please during this time, take time to look after yourself and always do the little things that make you smile ❤ gives you a giant tiny hug ❤❤I love you ❤everything is gonna be ok ❤